I really wasn't sure if I should post in here, since my emotional qualms aren't very intense, but I figured I'd do so regardless.
I'm an illustrator. My mother is also an artist. Growing up, I always tried to impress her, and she always responded with rude criticism, rarely was it constructive. Even now, I'll show her some of my polished work for a company, and she'll tell me what she hates about it. Never constructive. I honestly don't think she has ever praised me for any of my accomplishments, either. It's a real downer when you pour your heart and soul into something, whether it be artwork or another form of work, just to have it go either un-noticed or downright hated by someone you respect.
This has affected me in an interesting way, I think, because I feel that I'm nearly always searching for some form of praise from others now. I'd love to hear from someone that they're proud of me.
I also refuse to take compliments. I don't believe anyone actually thinks I do well in things, and that they compliment me based off of pity. I think this all stems from how my mom treated me.
TF2 has been... kind of a mess of sorts. I like this game because I can very easily see my own improvement. However, when I got into competitive, my first few seasons were very degrading for me. My teammates often talked down to me and verbally abused me, telling me that I didn't deserve to talk during scrims, and berated me for topscoring. Weekly, they would try out a new player to replace me (I played Medic at the time). They would go into a lobby and teamstack against me with their tryout on their team, and I had to Medic for the random lobbygoer team. If the new guy scored higher than me, I was out. I never got replaced. However, it was very stressful, and I thought it was the norm. I would pour all of my energy into learning strategies, listening to players in higher divisions talk about their games, and working to improve my own game. It was very upsetting for me to do all of this, just to have my teams tell me to shut up and try to replace me.
Sorry for the tangent, there... It's just weird to play on teams now where that sort of attitude doesn't exist. I had no idea that there were teams and people out there who were actually supportive and nice. I'm still shocked by it from time to time. I feel absolutely lucky to be able to play with my current teammates. I wish I could express my appreciation better, for they deserve the utmost praise.
However, It's gotten to the point where I have very little confidence in myself as a player. It's really sad for me, because I think that maybe I could be decent if I weren't so hard on myself. I'm currently working to try to overcome this, and it's very difficult for me. TF2 means a lot to me, and I hope that someday I can reach my goals in it.