First off, I am not a mayo monkey. I think this term is not only indignant, it is inaccurate. In fact, I would venture to label myself as an admirably adventurous member of the Caucasian species. How so? Well, unlike 99% of those with a meager amount of melanin, I have decided to start implementing hot sauces and different spices with my cooking, and whatever I may be eating out. Por ejemplo [for those uninitiated (most white people), this is Spanish for "for example"]: On Saturday night, before I went out drinking with my polo t-shirt wearing, birkenstock yielding, flat-brim hat-wearing snow ape friends of mine (what a DISGUSTING lack of culture), I decided to get a cheap bite to eat. Where else but McDonalds? Using the McDonalds app, I was able to acquire 2 McDouble hamburger sandwiches, 1 for the regular price, and 1 for only $1! A steal if I have ever seen one (however, I grew up in a suburb, so perhaps I have not seen one, but it is nonetheless a good deal). However, instead of allowing ketchup and mustard to be on the burger, I made a request for the workers to not apply the condiments on my sandwiches. Now, Mr. "akari-", you might be thinking to yourself: "McDonalds? With no condiments? This might be the WHITEST thing ever!" and in normal circumstances, you would be correct. However, for those who think I am a willy-white cracker, in my pocket laid a curveball. Well, not a real curveball, but instead some Yellowbird Sauce brand Habenero Condiment sauce, rated between 15,580 to 54,535 Scoville heat units (SHU). I flipped open the top buns, lathered on the sauce to my liking, placed the buns back on, and enjoyed myself a mightily sniffly snack dare I say!
So, what can you learn from this? Perhaps that you should not be so quick to address a person like me a mayo monkey—perhaps my tolerance to capsaicin is greater than yours, Mr. "akari-". And if this is true, what do you have to say to yourself? I would feel shame.