Are you saying you're ready to rock?

This took more time and effort than I expected it to, but hopefully is an interesting read.

read here

Chaaz, as a nurse, if your therapist and psychiatrist are not actually helping you, please look for different doctors. You're incredibly brave for going to doctors, taking medication, and reaching out to people. It's very frustrating when you're doing everything you can and trying so hard to feel better, without getting any relief.

I can't/won't give medical advice over the internet, but there are so many things that leaped out at me from your post. First of all, you're a person with hopes, interests, and struggles, like anyone else. You are not your illnesses. You deserve to be as happy and healthy as possible.

If your therapist isn't helping you for whatever reason—you don't trust them enough to open up, you don't feel heard, the things they say aren't helpful to you—find one who will. There are many different types of therapists and therapies, and finding what works for you can be the difference between night and day. Cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT), which is basically identifying thoughts that lead to unhealthy behaviors and developing coping methods to overcome them, helps a lot of people with anxiety and mood disorders, but it doesn't help everyone because people are unique and have different needs. Ultimately, the point of therapy is to help YOU; if it isn't, keep looking, because you deserve to get the support you need.

I don't know the exact medications you're on, but if your suicidal thoughts and depression have increased over the last few months, something is wrong and should be addressed immediately. You mentioned being on different meds—antipsychotics can increase suicidal thoughts. Please tell your psychiatrist if your current medication has made you feel worse. It should NOT do that. It must be so frustrating to try different medications, experience side effects that can be unpleasant, and not feel helped by any of them. Major depression and OCD are illnesses, and there IS a treatment that can help you, but finding the right medication and dosage may take time. Your health is worth the time and effort.

I'm not just pushing more doctors and meds; I'm encouraging you to use every resource at your disposal. Health is holistic: it's your mind and body, your emotional and physical well-being. Do the things that make you feel happy and more stable, from running to playing TF2 with friends to playing the guitar to taking your puppy for walks every day. No single thing constitutes your illness and no single thing will lead to your wellness, but pursuing your passions, keeping your body active, and spending time with the people and things you love will greatly help.

One of the most difficult aspects of illness is how isolated it can make you feel. When people say things like, "I'm here," what they're really saying is, "I care." That doesn't mean they know how to help you, and not knowing how to help you doesn't mean they don't care. It means that if they haven't gone through what you're going through, it can be very difficult for them to relate. Some of them may be scared, and disappear. Some of them might want to be there for you, but not know how. You mentioned your mom and sister. They, and more people than you realize, including complete strangers, care immensely about what you're going through. It might be helpful to try group therapy or meetings, where you can listen and talk to other people who can relate to your struggles.

I can't say strongly enough that suicide, drug abuse, and murder is not the right answer. Please do not harm yourself or others. If you feel like you are imminently going to, STOP and call for help first. 1-800-273-8255 is the national suicide prevention line. Suicide and murder won't make anything better for you; they'll make things infinitely worse. Please don't let it get to that point: get the help and treatment that you need and aren't getting, ASAP. Call your psychiatrist today. Look for a group meeting today. Go to the park with your puppy and call your mom and tell her that you're struggling a lot, today. Mental health is a scale. There is no tipping point that denotes "sane" or "crazy". This may be a time when you feel worse. You CAN feel better again.

You posted here because some part of you does care. Reaching out is incredibly difficult. You called it a battle, and it is. It must be exhausting at times, but the mere fact that you're here right now is a victory. You're fighting for your life, your health, and your happiness, and ultimately, there is nothing more important than that. Please get the support you need to help you with your battle.

Sorry that this is so long, but you sound like you're really hurting Chaaz, and you should know that you're not in it alone.

One of my favorite quotes from Sagan: “Every one of us is, in the cosmic perspective, precious. If a human disagrees with you, let him live. In a hundred billion galaxies, you will not find another.” In a hundred billion galaxies, there won't be another you. Please don't give up, or harm yourself or others.

It seems silly to be fine with it, because cevo's policy is that every FFW is rescheduled against another team who also has a FFW. It would have been more efficient to try and find a workable time with Jaguar, rather than give them a FFL and still have to play that game at another time, now.

That really sucks Jaguar, sorry that happened to you guys. Off the top of my head, something simple that would prevent things like this would be:

Default time 10 EST
Team A proposes different time.
Team B has 24 hours to reject it; if they don't, match time is changed to proposed time.

Right now, like you said, the system seems to favor a team that chooses not to communicate or make a fair effort to find a time that works for everyone. It should facilitate playing video games, not getting FFWs.

That was a great cast, good chemistry and funny!

I had fun with last week's write-up and decided to continue this week. Thanks for the kind words and helpful critiques!

read here

I like reading the articles people write about the different divisions, so I decided to step up and write one for CEVO-O. It covers the top 15ish teams, with a bit about the first two weeks of games and a quote from most of the team captains. Good luck to everyone competing, hopefully it's cool to learn a little more about each other!

read here

Really chill, super knowledgeable about the game, excellent taste in music! :]

I genuinely don't know how anyone could get sick of you. :3 Fox is the happiest, friendliest person. I wish we were on team together because nonstop giggle comms would be terribly amazing/amazingly terrible!

Kent is a really good player who works constantly to improve! He never says no to a scrim, pug, mge, or ultiduo (we'll find people to do it with someday, buddy!). He offers constructive feedback, doesn't take critiques personally but does work on them, and is just a nice, super solid team player all around. :)

Cons: terrible accent, just the worst.