landunderwave's Profile

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SteamID64	76561198059112102
SteamID3	[U:1:98846374]
SteamID32	STEAM_0:0:49423187
Country	Singapore
Signed Up	November 10, 2019
Last Posted	November 10, 2019 at 6:30 AM
Posts	2 (0 per day)

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uberchainGeel9I feel, in some way, responsible for my role -- such as it is -- in legitimizing Dashner through Ready Up / Rewind / etc. I know these are just a small part of his involvement in TF2, and my ability to "legitimize" someone isn't... much, but Ready Up was funded because of me and is still hosted on our YouTube. I'm open to thoughts as to what, if anything, to do on that front -- it wasn't solely Dashner's project, but he is listed prominently in the credits.This was probably the wrong decision but by his request, I allowed Dashner to continue working on the film's post-process editing, even after our break-up, the alcoholism, the manipulation and gaslighting, and after being informed that a sexual experience I had with him was rape. Constantly I was told to get out and stop putting myself through it, but I wanted to make sure it was something that the TF2 community could watch and feel proud of, something that would really show how dedicated and passionate our scene is.

Dashner at the time seemed like the only answer since he was there with me during the birth of Ready Up as an idea. I knew he'd put in the most work and make sure it was really good, because that's what he cares about. I did like how Ready Up came out as a final film, regardless of the involvement of Dashner, and I think Dashner and Loris did a fantastic job with it since I had no professional film editing experience myself. But several things happened during the Ready Up process that felt terrible, and they were:

vacations like ESL NY 2017 being turned into business ventures when realistically we should have separated that, complicating and straining our relationship, because holy shit Redeye interview pog
collapsing under the weight of an expensive as fuck camera on a tripod at i58 because I'm a shrimp of a human being, filming Sideshow's production tour walkthrough that we couldn't even use because the LAV mic Ash lent us was broken
Dashner lashing out at Tagg for not doing enough work, rather than consider the limitations of how i58's venue was dark as fuck even for our expensive as fuck camera, which is why the only i58 photos that exist are players dragged onto the caster stage which was the most sufficient light source
Tagg denouncing his friendship with Dashner and his involvement with Ready Up because of how unorganized it all was and for being yelled at and demeaned for free work, and then telling me that maybe I should reconsider my relationship with Dashner and me not listening
Dashner asking if I had just gone to i58 just for the free LAN experience, accusing me of just using his money for vacations, and not to actually work only because he saw photos of me having fun without him at i58's afterparty (he would then later tell me when I expressed wanting to go to i61 either we both go to i61, or none of us go)
Dashner asking me last minute at Frankfurt on the way to i58 if I can turn around and fly back to Ontario to see him, but me saying I had to go and film for Ready Up, and holding it against me
Me agreeing with Dashner we need to bring on Loris because in my mind there was a chance this could go tits up if Dashner decided to have another Fuck TF2™ moodswing during editing
Dashner buying into an Adobe Premiere peer-to-peer deal for him and Loris despite not asking Geel for it first, and then realizing it was yearly, stressing he wouldn't pay for it and made it seem like the only sensible option for co-editing with it (it probably was), so I offered even though I made the lowest working wage on Ready Up's team
Me having to ask for my logo at the beginning and Dashner guilting me for it
Me being unable to ask for editing changes and Dashner telling me it was a pain in the ass to re-render (it is) and he and Loris should have full editing autonomy
Me being told that I disappointed Loris and Dashner when I said the ending could have gone in a different direction and Dashner guilting me for it
Dashner calling me useless
Dashner telling me Ready Up wouldn't have happened without him
Dashner telling me I didn't do enough work for it
Me still believing he was right to this day and being unable to work on that documentary without feeling like I wanted to kill myself

I almost decided not to go to Rewind 2 for the premiere of Ready Up because I didn't know if I could afford it after paying the buyout. But at the time because my mind was focused on "do it for TF2, they deserve nothing but the best" (which was learned during the Dashner era of production, coincidentally enough), all the pros to going seemed to make up for the cons. There was a bunch of people crowding me to hug me and tell me I did a great job when I burst into tears and bawled like a baby after the credits rolled. That wasn't pride and happiness that it was finally complete. That was me naively thinking, as I stood on stage next to him and had to hug him and thank the people that went to LAN that finally, I was free.

All of these decisions were probably the wrong ones to make, and I'm sorry for not informing you earlier about this and for thinking that this project took priority over not just me, but the community. I was part of the problem, and I see that now. I let superficial things like good production quality and making sure TF2 is represented well blind me to considering what would actually be healthy and right. To this day I still wonder if I should have just cancelled it and disappointed you, if I would've been capable of editing it if I had tried more, if I deserve to have my name on it still, if I should have let Loris do it by himself when I realized Loris was just as good as Dashner was with the advantage of actually still liking TF2. It's also why I'm sympathetic if Loris, who had spent a lot of time with Dashner, had been led by him to believe Dashner's side of the story over mine. And likewise, while I heavily disagree with what she did and am absolutely fucking torn about her dismissing me for Dashner and incredibly upset and angry for ignoring events pertaining to him and Nursey, I understand Sami riding or dying for TF2 because I've been there.

And despite everything, I understand Console's caring for him, and I wish Dashner had meant what he said when he claimed he would work on becoming a better person after I left. I wish he had actually become a better person. I still hope he does rather than keep hurting people, and keep running away from it all.

There's been moments where I felt like I lost Ready Up to my abuser and lose the right to say it was mine. But now that we're here, as co-director of Ready Up, I'd like for it to stay uploaded publicly. While people might sympathize with my experience but disagree in terms of how much actual involvement I had with it since I ended up not being part of the editing process, and most of my ideas were changed for Dashner's direction, I also worked hard on it, tried to film what I could with what limited technical knowledge I had, prepared interview questions and a skeleton storyline, and spent a good chunk of my life for the past few years focused on the film.

I don't want Dashner taking Ready Up away from me anymore. But I understand if you refuse to have his name associated with your brand.

upon reading this I created an account. I'm so sorry this happened to you, uberchain. I hope you realise/remember how much you have contributed to this community, and how much we value you. it's not easy talking about what has happened, but thank you. I wish you peace <3