NFC North:
Chicago Bears
Projected Record: 10-6
It feels like the Bears’ brass only watched their playoff loss to the Eagles and used that to fuel their entire offseason. They congratulated themselves on reversing the Cody Parkey curse, then got complacent and forgot the group had much bigger issues swept under the rug. I mean, sure, you had the best front seven stabilizing what was arguably the best shutdown defense in the league, but having to carry your paralytic offense in the most clumsy 16-game three-legged race of the season is going to put undue wear and tear on Kalil Mack. In fact, the cracks are already starting to show in your cheat code of a defensive foundation: Vic Fangio left to chase Rocky Mountain highs, leaving your defensive talent without the strong leadership that allowed it to thrive. Pray Trubisky develops (I swear we say this every year as if it’s actually going to happen) and a painful Wild Card loss on a missed field goal might be in your future. P.S. Thanks for exposing the Rams and teaching the Pats how to waterboard Jared Goff.
Minnesota Vikings
Projected Record: 8-8
I list this team as 8-8, as that is what they strive to be this season. First, the team announced the definition of .500 to start at quarterback for the second season in a row, after he bitched out his receivers on the sidelines and subsequently outed himself as a team cancer. Next, the team doubles down on their mediocre golden goose and spends valuable draft capital on offensive line depth, giving Cousins just enough time to find that open Bears cornerback. As per South Park, the third step of their rebuilding plan could accurately be “?????”, as I’m sure they have about as much of an idea what they’re doing as we do. I suppose this third step could also be replaced with “waste Adam Thielen’s career” with very little changing to the end product. And no, the Packers will hit their field goals this time. Channel the Purple People Eaters and do everything you can to keep them out of range.
Detroit Lions
Projected Record: 7-9
Another day, another ex-Patriots coordinator trying to rebuild the empire with players randomly generated on Madden. You have, however, made interesting moves to cobble together something resembling a McDaniels offense. T.J. Hockinson looks like the most interesting product to come out of Detroit since the Firebird, though I have my doubts as to if Matt Patricia’s coaching style of “force them through the mold like Play-Doh” will be enough to turn Hock into the next Gronk. Supplemented by Danny Amendola at tiny slot receiver and Jesse James at… other receiving tight end, Matthew Stafford might have just enough weapons to torch defenses the way he’s paid $27 million per year to do… so long as he doesn’t overthrow them. Truth is, Stafford is just a quarterback that is built to throw deep, and with Patricia at the helm, he’s forced into a system where neither the plays nor the receivers can allow him to reach his full potential. This team will not achieve the success it wants until it finds Stafford a tall, lanky, big-bodied, fly-route running champion whose name rhymes with “Candy Floss.”
Green Bay Packers
Projected Record: 6-10
Captain Rodgers: Civil War just hit the box office to rousing acclaim, only to be outdone by the highly successful Avengers: Endgame. Aaron Rodgers can not exist in a world where anyone, let alone Thanos, is a bigger figure than he is. This season, he’s going bigger, bringing in a new puppet head coach to free himself of his horrible McCarthy shackles and rule with an iron fist/belt/Discount Double Check. He is the God King, this is his empire, and he will fiddle as it burns. That or Matt LaFleur will try to teach Rodgers some modesty, in which case the former will be out of a job by January. In an optimal timeline, Davante Adams gets traded to the Lions, so that both he and Matt Stafford can make the most of what careers they have left. Bang on that drum harder, it might save you from a wide left.