TheVillageIdiotHi all, Lain's brother Sam here. I apologize if this post seems disjointed, I'm a little all over the place tonight.
Not a TF2 player myself, but I used to play a lot of Counter-Strike: Source, GO, and CS:2. I struggle with symptoms of chronic fatigue syndrome (with chronic pain), so I'm not online gaming as much as I used to be as I ration my energy and struggle with taking care of day to day activities sometimes (lots of naps after work). Like many other people, I also struggle with depression and anxiety, though I try to manage the best that I can.
I got in touch with Aeryn through Steam (thank you to her for the kind words on Lain's obituary page) tonight, and I wanted to say thank you to those who shared experiences and kind words here.
Mental illness is a tough, sometimes invisible battle, that comes in many forms, both permanent and temporary. Whether it's depression, anxiety, body dysmorphia, an eating disorder, sleeping disorder, addiction of any type, or anything else, even the grief after a breakup or loss of a loved one - it's something that many of us human beings struggle with at some point in our lives.
I understand that some people online many not have been exactly kind to Lain, and in some way I will say this is understandable as Lain may not have been kind to everyone she met either. She wasn't always kind to me either, but that doesn't mean I didn't love her.
Lain began struggling with schizophrenia symptoms around a decade ago, and had since fought a long battle with it. Schizophrenia can manifest in several forms and of varying severity, but the TL;DR version of Lain's symptoms were auditory hallucinations and paranoid and grandiose delusions (delusions of being persecuted, belief that the person experiencing symptoms is famous or respected by people who don't know them, etc.) This can sometimes include a belief that a person or group is harming or harassing the person experiencing this, or that a person or group have negative (or sometimes positive) ideas about them that don't reflect reality. Lain was also affected by borderline personality disorder, which often caused large mood swings and impulsive behavior (money spending, risky decision making).
Lain lived with my parents and was cared for by them. I live not too far away, and would try to visit when I could, but I work in a stressful IT job and had distanced from my own family some in recent months, because I was facing my own financial burdens and extreme stress. Lain would sometimes get into arguments with my parents with words said that weren't very nice, and I was often pulled in to mediate. With my own stress / medical problems, I just couldn't handle it anymore - it didn't mean I didn't care, I just couldn't take care of myself.
For a while, multiple years, actually, Lain's symptoms were relatively in control - but within the last 12-24 months or so did we see a regression, which came after some medication switch ups due to dyskinesia, which Lain thought was being caused by her medication. I also suffer from dyskinesia (mostly tics and muscle tremors in my limbs/hands/feet), and thought this might be hereditary, but was unable to convince her to try the old medication again. I am aware that she told some people about the dyskinesia, and may have referred to it as parkinsons online - not quite the situation, but similar.
I am aware of some stories and accusations that have been spread from/about Lain and for some of these, if unwarranted, I apologize. I am not going to get into it in detail, but sometimes she would have bad interactions between substances and her medications / mental illness, and sometimes bad days with the mental illness itself - ... regardless, I will say - if Lain ever hurt or wronged anyone who didn't feel they deserved it, please know that she was mightily struggling. It is hard to imagine almost every hour of your life being bombarded with overlapping voices in your ear, saying the craziest things imaginable, believing that you are being spied on or conspired against by people who love you, and etc.
...I hope this information can help some of those who misunderstood Lain, or help those who may be struggling as well, with themselves, a friend, or a family member. Please treat them with care and try your best to remember their good moments.
People can be mean to each other. My own life motto is to always be nice to others and never try to take my pain out on someone else. Everyone is fighting their own battles, big or small, and none can really be compared to someone else's.
My parents and I are doing the best we can right now. I wish that I could help my parents financially, as they are struggling with medical debt from multiple ambulance / hospital stays, past impulse spending (on their credit cards) and paying for arrangements. I am doing my best to be there for them emotionally, even if I am unable to help with their expenses, and we are all taking things a day, an hour, or a minute at a time right now.
In closing, I hope this message found you all well, and thank you to those who shared kind words, stories, and memories. In case any of you are struggling as well, please reach out to someone. I know personally what it is like to close off from people, be it friends, or family, or feel like you aren't doing well enough.
And most of all, please be excellent to each other and party on.
https://i.imgur.com/FhUY6aS.jpeg
I'm very late here, not a TF2 player, I don't really use this website.
I just wanted to say my last piece because in the past year I spent quite a bit of time with her in the past year.
She was very upset after being cast out from multiple communities, either from conflict she had or from bullying she was struggling with and I sympathized with this. I've dealt with similar treatment before and tried to help her cope with it.
People on the internet can be incredibly cruel and abusive, cling to drama and turn a blind eye to the damage they inflict on their mental health and well being.
Everyone deserves a second chance and a place to heal, she found her way into my community, I made sure it was a positive space where she would always feel welcome.
We played quite a few games together (Quake, Diabotical, Fortnite, even a tournament for Fairlight 84) There were a lot of great memories.
She was not perfect (no one is), but despite her troubles I just wanted to say she was a very kind hearted person deep down that even stepped in to help me at my very lowest.
I was always concerned about her episodes, tried to reach out to multiple friends/organizations she was involved in to try to get her help.
We had an argument shortly before she passed, I was encouraging her to find help because some of the things she was saying were really concerning me.
I have some guilt over this for not being able to do more.
I am not in the best situation myself financially but I do have a channel with a fairly good reach throughout the community.
If you would like to organize a gofundme to help with the bills, getting this out there is the very least I could do.
Please let me know.
RIP Lain.