Wtf, I'm English and have never used some of these words in my entire life. Did you use word to find synonyms and use them?
also I think the comparison to a fictional character isn't suitable in this, just my opinion. It seems like you forced another two sentences to reach the character limit.

He is continuously making progress and even venturing into new fields such as artificial intelligence as of late with his most recent company OpenAI.

Into

He is continuously making progress and is, as of lately, even venturing into new fields such as artificial intelligence with his most recent company OpenAI.

It sounds more fluid and adds more complexity to the sentence.

I recommend you look into complex and compund sentence structure to help here.

Cool, thanks!

Yeah, I did research a lot of those words via the Internet just to sound more educated. I know it's cheesy but it won me the competition last year, our teachers just seem to love strange words. Problem is with structuring the sentences as you said cause they never really taught us how to properly use commas and thus I'm kind of lacking in that regard.

Gonna drop the last paragraph as well as you said. I knew it didn't really fit just when I started writing this I thought it might make a cool ending but that didn't really go as planned.

Any material you could recommend that would help me with the commas and sentence structure?

Just be careful when using synonyms because they might mean something similar but dont make sense when in a specific context.

Any material, just google complex sentence structure.

A quick overview is
Main clause - Makes sense when saying it on its own
Sub clause - Doesn't make sense on its own, but does when accompanied by a main clause.

Simple (one main clause) - I went to the shop
Compound (two main clauses) - I went to the shop and I bought some chocolate.
Complex (One main clause and a sub clause) - I went to the shop, that is up the road, and bought some chocolate.

If you said "that is up the road" on its own it doesnt make sense
But if you say "I went to the shop, that is up the road..." it makes sense.
The tricky thing about complex sentences is that the sub clause is in the middle of the main clause and is seperated by commas.

The way were recommended to know if its a complex sentence is to read the whole sentence and ignore anything in the commas:

Eg. I went to the shop, that is up the road, and bought some chocolate. If i remove the commas it becomes
I went to the shop and bought some chocolate - it still makes sense and is therefore a main clause.
While That is up the road doesnt make sense at all on its own but does when with the main clause.

Kinda confusing, hope it helps.

summoning vanguard

Yeah, I get that. Thanks.

It's quite similar to my own language. We just use commas more and create super-long sentences whereas an English speaker would rather use a dot and start a new sentence. That might have affected my essay as the first paragraph is essentially 3 sentences.

As to the synonyms, I really tried to research the words' meanings and usage in sentences so that it fits the text well. Although, I'm not a 100% sure with all of them.

Honestly I dont think any of the synonyms dont match just saying be wary:) In english super long sentences are seen as bad and simplistic. To be advanced just use commas. If you wanted to be super advanced you could use colons, semicolons and hyphens. Although I think colons, semicolons and hyphens are a lot easier to use and understand than complex sentences:)

yes hello

If you do still desperately want or need help with this add me on Steam, I feel these things are easier to work through with a real-time discourse so there can be some back-and-forth, rather than just listing a whole bunch of stuff at you.

I am not a linguist (nor Australian, unfortunately), my qualifications basically boil down to enjoying writing and the English language and people telling me I've apparently done written good thing a few times, but I'll help as much as I can if you need it. To clarify a little, from an initial skim through I actually think there's very little I'd suggest changing and most things are minor details, some of which are dependent on the context and intended "feel" of the piece anyway. Still though, hit me up if you do wanna go through a few things.

Edit: these are just minor grammatical things so I don't think I'll be biasing any later reviews by posting the corrections publicly here. Also, you should totally listen to me because I'm Australian, not for any other reason...

I'm assuming this is english as a second language.. damn, man, I really envy euros sometimes. Some minor grammatical and flow errors:
1.

I would use 'however' rather than 'although', as 'although' sounds like you should be continuing the previous sentence. The alternative is this, but it makes for a rather long sentence which I wouldn't recommend:

2.

I get what you're trying to say, but it's not worded correctly. I would change it to:

3.

should be

4.

should be

(and I would change 'self-confident' to a different positive epithet, you used it two sentences earlier and it doesn't really fit here)
5.

should probably more accurately be

6.

aspirations isn't quite used in the right way here; you can't 'earn' someone else's aspirations like you can respect. The first alternative that comes to mind is

but there are a lot of ways you could rewrite this. (perhaps

)
7.

you forgot the definite article again, I've noticed a lot of non-native speakers do this heaps, it must be different in other languages:

8.

doesn't quite sound right, I'm not sure if it's technically correct but I don't think so. Some alternatives:

,

,

9.

should be 'matters' not 'matter'

sorry if this doesn't read that clearly, it's 4am, but hopefully some of these help. Your essay is pretty decent otherwise, although you do look like you've tried a little too hard to find 'hard' words -- which is probably not an issue in a competition like this, though; as long as you can use them correctly then you only stand to gain.

Thank you so much for proof-reading the whole thing, especially at 4 am lol. I'll be sure to get you something if I manage to place top three.

PS: Yeah, articles are one of the largest problems 'cause my language doesn't have any at all.

http://vignette2.wikia.nocookie.net/disneycreate/images/c/c1/Donald-duck-face-tumblr-i16.jpg/revision/latest?cb=20140430235439

Okay, I was gonna look over the whole text, but right now I don't have time for all of it, sorry. But here are the things I noted in the first two paragraphs. These are mostly just grammar and vocabulary things, and not touching on any large-scale or structural issues there might be; since I haven't really read it all yet.
Maybe I'll go over the rest and add impressions here later.

Disclaimer: I'm German, that's about as far from Australia as you can get. So decide for yourself whether you think what I say makes sense.

In general, there are two things that I'm noticing throughout the whole thing. First is, there are a lot of synonyms and "hot air" phrases that I can't see earning you any extra points; see more on that below. Secondly, you're glorifying Musk to a frankly ridiculous extent, and idk if this is your assignment for the essay; if so, fine, but it would be a weird assignment, and if not, you really might wanna consider making this a more balanced and realistic discussion, which would make the whole thing much more worthwhile to read. And I think that would get you points.

Note: That full sentence is still extremely bloated and would benefit from a rewrite. Changed "besetting" to "prevalent" because I think that's more like what you're trying to say. Nothing wrong with "problems" btw, just changed to "issues" to avoid the alliteration (prevalent problems). The "to" was doubled with the one earlier in the sentence.

Besides being factually wrong, this sentence is pure air, comically so. I have never been in such a competition, but I'm pretty sure bloated sentences will be considered a negative. You're supposed to be precise in your use of vocabulary and still produce readable and informative sentences. Don't make your text read like this:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6DE3wZnitJE&index=1&list=PL4zcHoozG8jmZ8DA9IRMgyATL-Ahi92eM

(or if you do, make it even funnier)

"persistent perseverance" is a double, only masked but not removed by "sanguine" in the middle. If you wanna keep that word, I suggest doing it like this. "Skills in the field of innovation" is air so I'd leave it out. Extra "his" for flow.

The sentence is flawed because "bold and inspirational" is supposed to relate to his actions, but grammatically, it relates to the outcomes, which doesn't work as well. Rewrote the luck part because "partial fortune" doesn't sound like it's a thing. But I'd consider rewriting this one.

Also, I hope this doesn't come off as dissing your essay, no intention to do that. I genuinely think if you make it more concise, it'll benefit from it. Also good luck with the competition!

Thank you as well, kind sir.

I do realise the excessive usage of fancy words might hinder the essay, but I still wanna use a wide range of vocabulary. Since the people reviewing this are gonna be 2 highschool English teachers and a former highschool student, I think bloating the text a tad might make it more appealing and freshening. I don't really believe they assess essays the same way a university teacher does.

Also guys I think you got that Australian part kind of confused. This competition has nothing to do with the Aussies, it's just that my friend got an Aussie linguist to help him correct his essay.

EDIT: It would help me if you guys knew any negative things about Musk 'cause as the301stspartan said I really came of as a huge cocksucker. I still respect the guy but it's hard trying to show him in bad light.

DIdn't read other people's edits, but you asked about a different ending; this is something to consider:

In spite of all these accomplishments, Musk strives for more. He is continuously making progress, such as his recent venture into the field of aritficial intelligence with the company OpenAI. By decreasing the price of electric cars, distributing complimentary solar panels, and uncovering new, cheaper ways of space travel he has rightfully earned respect and embodied the aspirations of many. When looking to his achievements, we all cannot help but be inspired to also work towards the preservation and protection of our planet.

Many environmentalists argue and preach in the vain hope of changing the attitutde of the general public. Musk, however, takes matters into his own hands and whistled for a cab, and when it came near, the license plate said “fresh” and there were dice in the mirror. If anything I could say that this cab was rare, but I thought “naw forget it, yo home to bel-air!” I pulled up to the house about seven or eight and I yelled to the cabbie “yo homes smell ya later!” Looked at my kingdom, I was finally there. To settle my throne as the prince of bel-air.

That one literally got me laughing, props to you man.

Anyhow, I actually deleted the Tony Stark part and came up with this