I play with an american who calls:

"burger" The medium healthkit room near grass on snakewater
"cuckshed" Closet / hut on badlands / most huts
"highlander spot" The defensive rock on viaduct

snakewater shed is also cuckshed

.

"im going for a spy play"
"ok no one else die"

Quote from Hems

If the enemy team is in "kitchen" - "they cooking something"
Asking for an arrow - "throw me a bone dawg"

'Their shit soldier/scout/demo is alone, lets 2v1 him' or 'they're weak and we have number ad, lets go in'

followed by

'shit, get out'

Summarised by this:

https://youtu.be/XcxKIJTb3Hg?t=97

i blame the hitreg every time i miss an easy shot

my old team used to call lower connector of reckoner between mid and 2nd minecraft

If I hit like 3 people with splash I always call "they took mega damage".

i always heard this as 'throw me a bow, doc'

"Click on the other team until they're not on our screen anymore"
I'd Is how I try and word playing shooters. I figure if I make it seem really simple it'll be easier for everybody but it never works out that way

My team knows when I'm fragging as apparently I sing quietly to myself...

the best calls
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bTD3wDofIDY&t=29s

"They can't fucking hit me" when I get out of a situation I have no business getting out of
"Their scouts just stare at me"
"Fuck it I'm bombing anyway" usually follows the previous statement when I get bored of stalemates.
"I'm speedy" when I do my rollout really well
"He has like 10 health" he has 110 health

hes CRUSHED - when i hit any class for half their health
watch this.. nevermind dont watch, advert your eyes - when i try to bot in for a play and end up feeding
dont ever jump at my team again - when i deny a soldier
this guys having a bad day - when I snipe someone two lives in a row
*quietly repeating* "buffbuffbuffbuffbuffbuff" next to my medic when i have crit heals
you're so lucky im bad - when i lose a fight i shouldn't lose
heal me or ill kill myself - building with med

calling the shed on snakewater mid the "retard shack"
when i'm pissed at someone - "you're ACTUALLY RETARDED"
when i want to sac - "i've got a theory"
when i splash a scout - "he's weak"
when i direct a scout - "he's molested, shoot him"
when i just want a buff - "i have crit heals, sike"
when it's garbage time during a scrim - "i dedicate this bomb to papa"

i also have a tendency to make terrible analogies such as "crispy is like a mattress sale, he comes and goes often but everyone is excited when he's around"

i say every fight is winnable when it definitely isnt
my scout likes to stand very far away & behind 2 walls & in direct enemy fire and shout "get me" as if i can somehow heal him

Extra viper quirks: warning toxic.

where the fuck is "im doin' massive damage"????

He's lit as opposed to he's raped as opposed to he's crushed for me.
I know jaguar's team called banana on metalworks mid "terrible". Ex.) Soldier in terrible.
Way back in hl my friend Pumodi had everything on ashville food related. Under bats was "sausage"
My first season of 6's we called lower IT Dexter's lab and upper IT Dexter's house.

Edit: some do this some don't but 2ND point process is spire to me.

Enough.

when we have ad "we have advertisement"
when i want a buff "i am critical heals"
when i fuck up a jump/in the middle of sacking "ah fuck... shit... ah ah fuck... fuck"

one i dont do as much anymore but still a classic
when i enter mumble a high pitched "hello? team?"

you also forgot "you're ACTUALLY retarded"

"i am fully doctor/ready to medic" when i have uber and i fuck up masking
"where is my <x teammate>" when i don't know where someone is
"SHARPLY INHALEEEESS" when someone hits an airshot i don't expect them to

i have been revived from the dead

our ubers at 69% ayyyyyyy - we're close to uber
PFFFFFFFTTT ohhh nooooo - teammates been airshot
thats a great idea- if we do this we're all gonna die
i say we do it- we shouldnt but this is gonna be funny af
stickies here- lol we actually walked in here
oh no my demo is dead- retreat maybe immanent
soldier behind/jumping - im gonna die
check for offclasses- ignore this call im dying regardless
i got this - stop me immediately
im out- i left earlier lol yall still fightin?
clutch- i failed whatever i was doing

"he's not wrong" when somebody makes a stupid but technically true argument.

something like you miss all the shots that you miss or if we defuse them bomb we win.

Yelling "My Ultimate Is Ready" when I have uber

i like to call lobby lobster so ill say things like "yo were pushing left lobster"
ive gotten into the habit of calling each class its own stupid name:
scout = scrout
soldier = sloldier (or alternatively shoot-floor class)
pyro = peeeero
demoman = demon man (or demonstration derby expert)
heavy = pootis
engineer = egniner (or egnis for short)
medic =
sniper = shnooper
spy = shpeenis (or shpee for short)
theres also the meme of pronouncing weapons wrong like jarate as jear-rateyy (rhymes with bear, and the end of karate)
also i like to amuse myself by making anagrams of stuff, i.e., shotgun = shtognu, drop = dorp, seanbud = sneabdu, sentry gun = sentry gnu, etc.
then there's the classic, "they're McRaped" or "they're McDicked on"

there's a voice line for tf2 (i believe the keys are x and then 8(voiceline 1 7) and i think the line is "Activate Ubercharge." whatever i thought the line was caused me to start saying "activate" or "deploy" uber

hes up yonder
hes in the backyondersphere
im gleesh walking to mid

"Rat attack" - used when my team pushes lower right on badlands.
"Let's gangbang them" - used when my team does a specific type of uber trade pushing granary second.
"I'm trash" - used whenever I am in the trash area of badlands. Daffodil usually responds with a, "Nice to meet you trash, I'm Daffodil."
"They're Weak Sauce" - used when I deal lots of damage.