i try to convince myself that im good because i can kill gonzalez.breakfast2006 in a pub

i was trying to do an snd_restart in console and i accidentally restart a year's worth of stats i gained after my last reset and now i'm sad

I was talking to my physc today about how I feel and "who I am" since I have no fucking clue who I am and she told me a good analogy of what people think I am and it hit me hard. she described me as a piece of glass and each person sees a different piece every time, but there's too many broken pieces that it becomes very hard to put back together. as gay as it sounds it is very true, although it's a good analogy I still find I hard to have any sense of self.

hi

ill never be as good as my friends but ill never be good cause i hate every team i get on cause they arent my friends and all i want to do in this game is play with my friends and it makes me really sad cause ive been at the same level for like 6 months and i dont feel like my dm is improving at all

play medic

I still think TF2 is great even with shitty updates like mym.

deep

people hate me even tho i dont hate them

my parents think i should go back to college for broadcasting and a lot of my friends say i have the voice for it but at the end of the day broadcasting is a performance art and i already made that mistake once with music
at the same time i want to go back to school within the next year but i cant think of anything else that im actually interested in

i am rly rly sad :( bc my 10 month old mobo died on me and i rly need a new one. emergency for school work!!!

i would rly like to buy steam games for ppl in exchange for paypal money to help me in my time of need.

edit: deleting this post

quest you can correct me, but I dont think you ever played on a 6s team esea or ugc apart from playing on highlander one season as soldier. so of course you're gonna feel that way compared to your friends who's been playing for longer than you have and on stable teams. Yeah I often have those thoughts as well and self doubts. I think to myself "why should I continue when i'm so far behind?" I often regret not starting competitive earlier when I first started playing tf2 on my potato laptop 2013. and I get thoughts all the time about quitting tf2 when I'm not doing good, but there's nothing you can do about the past, best thing is to work to improve and think about it in the long term. also finding a good team that in which everyone wants to improve helps.

Im in college and i'm best friends with a drug dealer and I have no self control, i've been in a kush coma for the last like two weeks AHHHHH.

i probably spend more time changing my config and hud and testing it than actually playing the game

i regret shitposting and making people i enjoyed the company of dislike me

I like u, u goofy retard.

The anger and hopelessness is just overwhelming and I'm just spending day after day hoping it will fade away. Everything feels like a grind and I can't stop overanalysing past events that led to my worsened mental health. The anger and irritability keeps me up at nights and affects my school performance. I'm trying so fucking hard right now but there is no end in sight for the struggle I'm going through. I am scared that I will some day lose it and break the façade I've been upholding, but that would cause irrepairable damage. I just want to be rational and reasonable, but I just can't forgive. It's so painful.

Holy shit this is so fucking relatable

I'm still very unhappy and I don't know how to fix it besides waiting until I forget.

I went home after TotH feeling incredibly empty and lost but also very full of love. The last two weeks since I got home were spent holed up in my room when I wasn't at work. Even my coworkers noticed I was uncommonly quiet. Being around the people there at ESA made me feel both wonderful and terrible. Part of me is happy to be around people that have common ground, but part of me is convinced I'm always in the way because I'm nothing compared to these other people and I've snaked my way into something good. I keep convincing myself that people will instantly hate me because I'm annoying or whatever. But it was so easy to talk about all this personal shit to them, and I don't know if it was because we were all a little drunk, but I had never been able to talk so freely about things to somebody. And now I'm back home. There's a tendency where I close off and put on a face for my friends and pretend I'm okay, I even do this to my boyfriend though he sees through my bullshit right away. I'm always scared to talk to friends too much because I'm afraid once the time comes that I need to talk about some heavy stuff they'll think I'm a handful and just leave. So I keep people around a safe version of me. And there isn't even that much shit going on in my life that's terrible besides feeling like I'm running towards a goal that doesn't exist. I work 6 days a week so it keeps me occupied but once my contract ends I'm not sure what I want to do or where I'd want to go. The 6 years I spent in school have made me not want to go into the field that my major points towards, and it feels like I've wasted all that time finding out that I didn't want to work in a studio after all. TotH made me feel useful for a bit but in the long run I don't know what my purpose in this world is, if there was one for me.

I also looked at photos and videos of myself and was very unhappy with how I look. There are things I can change with work (weight, clothing, hair) but there are things I can't and it just hurts because even though plastic surgery is a thing it's still quite a commitment. It's part bullshit-self centered thinking but I can't NOT stop thinking about all this and it's killing me.

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over the past 2 and a half seasons my interest in playing tf2 in esea has been steadily waning due to a feeling of a lack of improvement coupled with a disaster of a season, being the last ever season of esea-im, and a lack of motivation to grind the game and keep playing now that esea tf2 has gone two seasons without an im division, which marks a clear and present decline into death for esea tf2

with that, i'm starting to come to terms with quitting esea tf2 for the foreseeable future and i honestly don't know how i feel about it because i feel that i'll leave without ever really bringing all my hard work and dedication to a close, and at the same time i really do want to keep playing the game because deep down, i do really enjoy it and i love the rush of a real serious game, something i haven't really felt since my team's last regular season match in s25

actually playing the game would be easier if i could actually get onto a team that's dedicated and shares my goals, but i haven't found that team since s23 due to my sometimes unbearable personality traits and how i've done irreparable damage to my reputation on numerous occasions due to my emotions taking precedent over my logic and reasoning

also the only game i would want to quit for: quake champions, is either super buggy and laggy as fuck or broken with shitty hitboxes every other update and it makes me really sad to know the only two games i really want to enjoy are both dead or dying at a competitive level

I want to get better at demo but feel like I suck with the class, I also have this horrible mentality where if my damage is lower than the enemy demo, as demo, I feel as though I didn't contribute anything to the team regardless of the games outcome.

Well viper to make you feel a little better, I fucked up hard s24 open, since I was technically the worst team in open besides all the def teams. And I wished to myself I could have got into competitive early and start out tf2, with a much better computer than a potato computer that couldn't do anything other than browse on the internet. I would have put alot more time and effort into tf2 initially if I had much more stable computer. Also it took a player 10 fucking seasons to reach IM. Won't specify who though. Point is, keep your head up and chin straight. You're in the same fucking boat as alot of people. Including me, since I got cut early in the season.

u know if i didnt care about school i wouldve been right there grinding with u bro

im so sad despite not having any reason to be. i occasionally go thru really bad mood swings but its mostly when im alone. this sucks. i feel so alone in the world sometimes

I hope you feel better! You aren't alone; remember that! I know how it feels to be sad sometimes, it fucking sucks but just know it'll always get better! Bad never lasts!

You are a great person and you are valid!!

I love you, feel better!

x

i've been getting really frustrated with tf2 because ive been playing forever but i still don't feel like i'm respected as a player. I don't really care about being "invite", i just want to be a player that others are scared of. It sucks when you've been playing for years but people still give you shit about being a throw pick on your main in pugs that arent even that high level. I know that when I'm playing at my best I'm a lot better than i think im given credit for, but I get tilted more often than people seem to realize because I try really hard to hide it. My silly, goofy, attitude hides a lot of my inner frustration and I'm so concerned about being liked as a person that I'm afraid to let people know i'm not in a good mood. Its not that i get angry, though i certainly do, its more that I get anxious which makes my aim really erratic and makes me focus on how well i'm doing instead of comms. in fact. i've noticed that i often click so hard out of anxiety that I unintentionally move my mouse >_< tbh, the whole reason why i made that direcile dysfunction thread is because i have legit tf2 performance anxiety.

I have a lot of trouble properly understanding calls when things are hectic in mumble which makes me look like a bot even though all that really happened is that I thought someone said "push!" when they really said "we should push". I tend to do a lot of things that aren't necessarily stupid, but they're dumb because I haven't been paying attention to where my teammates actually are and i'm just assuming where they should be.