I'm having fun with tf2 again and it feels like the pugging scene is kinda dying in NA
rarely will there ever be a pug with 4 invite scout playing their mains, or 2 invite medics playing their main (and when there is I rarely get picked bcus better invite players wanna offclass on roamer xd)
it's pretty sad bcus it feels like the only way to practice is to scrim which is fine but u only get to do that for like 2 hours a day on certain days

and its even more sad bcus pugs used to be popping and so fun BEFORE THE FACEIT NATION ATTACKED, I never thought I'd want to see b4nny pugs come back this bad
feels like the game really is dying before our eyes

i wish i had the motivation to play this game again
i agreed to play w/ faint b/c i wanted to prevent them from having another team dying mid season but as i play i'm having more and more trouble finding the motivation to make it to scrims, which sucks and makes me feel bad b/c i know that a portion of the team wants to try
before this season i had made it a point to never skip scrims but i find myself skipping scrims regularly now
i had the motivation at the beginning of the season, lost quite a bit of it due to events (preseason + the team i joined before faint) but still thought i had some left; with a combination of making friends at school and a lot of school work i think ive drained all my motivation to play (which is honestly so weird cuz i used to have so much motivation to just grind this game)
what sucks is that next season is almost for sure my last season to attempt to play seriously (ill be on east coast = 15 ping instead of 80 + shit home internet, only 1 class; every semester onward ill have really difficult schedules) but i just don't think that i can bring myself to play even though i know that it's my last chance to have a good shot at doing anything in this game and i just dont know what to do

also one of my good friends removed me without any reason a few weeks ago and im still sad abt that
i usually think that my friends don't like me and when something like that happens it just makes me rlly sad (even though its confirmation bias im a retard)

idk y im ranting on tftv at 4:30 in the morning

when she told me she loved me back she was lying

the president of my country is the dumbest motherfucker to ever step on this planet

generally feeling more lonely than ever

RIP Brazil

F

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It gets better, it really does. I don't care how empty that sounds right now, but it does. If you just stick it out, no matter how much it sucks, you can get to a place where life is amazing You have a choice, please. I love you, don't give in to despair.

Gf broke up with me. She said it’s nothing personal but she wants to go to a university that is in another state and she doesn’t think she can handle a long distance relationship. It’s a weird feeling breaking up with someone and not hating them.

im constantly chasing past versions of myself that i deem were better and will hate myself until i outdo previous iterations of me, and i will hate myself until i accomplish it, it feels like my personality is in constant flux and im a new person every 6 months. although ive been doing better than i have in the past year, it still eats away at me that im doubting myself that in my self-confidence and happiness it all may be a facade. :)

being down over a girl lol have some respect for yourself

sqd

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u ok?

i work 6 days a week and skip meals most nights so that i can feed my younger sister, and yet my unemployed mom still calls me a useless wageslave and threatens to put me out on the street. despite my best efforts, my little sister has no friends and is suffering a myriad of severe unknown health conditions. shes my best friend in the world and i really dont know what else i can do to help her or myself.

I wish i didnt get into TF2 so late I will always remember the day that I put it aside for COD:BO2 because it was too "cartoony". There is just no other game quite like TF2. It really sucks since the game hasnt gotten a major update in what feels like a year and whats worst is that this game has so much potential to be greater than it currently is.

I even picked up L4D2 recently after all these years and what an amazing game it is and to think that Valve is pushing out games like "Artifact" almost hurts.

I'm at the lowest of low and i'm not quite sure how to feel about it.

edit: I'm just really depressed.

i know the path to my own personal success but im too lazy to follow through :/

if you legitimately have an underaged sibling and food is a question in your house you should look into getting government assistance.

i would need tax returns from legal guardians for government assistance of any kind, and we do not have access to those due to a really complicated and unfortunate circumstance (non U.S. located employer that did something illegal and then screwed all his employees over). so atm we're living quite below the poverty line without welfare or anything. my other sister recently fell off a lime scooter and knocked both her front teeth out and it was a huge trouble to scrape together enough money to convince a dentist that we could make the monthly payments.

I had to quit my team because I have to work very early in the morning and can't devote time to the game and it makes me sad. I think after sucking so hard in invite, I had a lot more motivation to try hard and get back there to get another shot at it, but having only 4 hours of sleep isn't really practical.

on one hand, it's nice to have a consistent job with steady hours that pays well over minimum wage, but it sucks to give up this game I've been playing for nearly 7 years at this point. makes me regret not playing comp sooner. it also kills most of my motivation to continue playing, considering that NA pugs seem deader than usual and I won't be able to play on a team. I hope the game is still kicking once I graduate and I can devote time to it again

The only way is up then mate. :)

papa franku come back the world needs you :/

I'm just bad enough that high invite players don't want to play with me

I'm just good enough that I get irritated easily playing with IM teams

Plus I made that spy thread so people hate me

Plus I'm running out of time left to play this game

Also like tojo said NA pugs have sucked ever since faceit died

e: Also totally forgot, my sleep is absofruitly FUCKED where I can't get to sleep or stay asleep. Trying new meds and my boss on campus seems to be intentionally not understanding and getting mad when I struggle making it to my morning shift

Epilepsy isn't as cool as you'd think dude, I would not recommend getting it.

Why do I keep losing interest in things I'm so passionate about and happy with?

I know this is meant as a troll but I can, weirdly enough see the positivity in this statement. To be honest I've been really down all week about it. I think just putting myself in her shoes has helped me come to terms with it though. I think I just put so much love and care into her and the relationship that I lacked care in myself. I'm finding it hard to see how I'll love anyone the same as I loved that girl but I know time will come. I haven't ruled out the possibility of dating her again but her degree finishes in 4 years time..people change a lot with 4 years apart. So I'm kind of just taking it as it comes and slowly trying to better myself as a person

A loooong while back I posted about feeling paranoid about what my friends thought about me and it made me overanalyze everything they said and did which led to bad situations that could have been avoided very easily. The worst part is that I was only paranoid about people I cared for, so my brain kept telling me these people were being fake or didn't actually like me and it made things really bad several years ago.

Well, the past couple of years that has almost never been an issue and I've never gotten truly depressed in that timespan. The catch is that it's because I spent so much time being busy with my career and school and eventually even when I had a lot of free time on breaks and even now, I just stopped catching up with most of my friends. Can't very well analyze what people do or say if you don't talk to them in the first place, right? It makes me miss my old friends even when I try to catch up since I never talk to any of them the way I used to, the only real time I spend a decent amount of time with them is if I go to parties with them and chill for a while but it's usually months before I do it again with them since i usually hop from friend to friend irl. It's MUCH worse for all of my online friends.

Idk, it seems super lame to get really upset about not feeling the pain I felt years ago, but in some ways it happened because I had some really really good and close friends both irl and online that I felt a strong connection to. I miss that connection and in some ways it was well worth feeling paranoid sometimes. It's a really weird balance that's difficult to explain and some people would likely find kind of stupid especially if they think "hey, just talk to them then. you aren't shy or awkward, and you just need to remember that they're your friends". I wish I knew why I couldn't just fix everything despite that truth.

Nowadays I could coast along how I am, continue a great and lucrative career, and be relatively happy most of the time. I'd imagine a lot of people would love to he in my shoes, but I'd trade it all for a cheap life with an ok job and some really close and special friends by my side again (but without the paranoia, if I'm giving stuff up I need SOMETHING better than what I had before).

anyone want to swap brains ?

my brain includes:
- Scottish twitter quotes
- Still Game & Burnistoun quotes
- electrical & electronic engineering shite
- bad music taste
- minor alcohol addiction

Feel free to offer. No lowballs !!!