im a failure in every aspect in life and i lost the only thing that motivated me to better myself and now i feel completely lost and worthless
none of my friends seem to really enjoy having me around and i always feel pushed back
i will never be good enough for the person i love and i cant seem to get over them no matter how hard i try
i started taking opioids and drinking again because thats the only thing that helps me become numb to all the shitty things that i think and feel
i probably shouldnt even be posting this here and get some real help instead but i just feel like im too far gone

i have not had a good time at LAN

there is no such thing as too far gone. help is always worth seeking

You should stop these shits the fastest you can. It will become worst and worst very soon. Find you a hobby you like.

.

did you not apply to multiple?

i hate when people piss me off to the point i wanna commit murder or suicide. not only that, but im also pissed im basically in-game jobless as what im doing currently is torture, i can't cast games that are good anymore, im stuck with a disgrace of a league i created 2 years ago, and it goes on and on and on and i just feel like i dont belong which makes me mad at myself for actually believing what other people say when in reality they are shitcocks in the end of life itself!
all i am here for in team fortress 2 is to make friends and have fun, and what the fuck do i get? bullshit, cuntfucks, shitcocks, asswipes, just flat out hate crimes against my autism, and every single time i even chat in TFTV, i instantly get like negative 10 frags and later on potentially negative 80 which makes me wonder, i try to be friendly, i was a freshmen who was always in a bad mood from assholes like everyone in existence, and it got me a bad reputation for that and the money over 2 years ago. im a junior, i learned my lesson, and people still abuse the negative frag option here. can i have one post, ONE FUCKING POST, that is positive frags? its making me want to break legs in 13 different places.

My LFT thread got down fragged and I am only now realizing how much emotional investment I have in other people's opinions of me. I can't tell if I'm just being bandwagoned or if I actually deserve all (I've earned some of it myself) of the shit I'm getting. Taking responsibility to legitimate critiques doesn't seem to get me anywhere either- it looks insincere.

i cant tell if you're mocking me or not so im gonna say im sorry for your loss.

i love you buddy. i upfrag you when you're at -80.

Nonono, not mocking you at all. I really am having that issue myself. None of that was directed towards you.

i dont play tf2 anymore but seeing esea getting rid of tf2 after this next season really PISSES me off

Lan is over and i feel like shit

Oh well

lan is over and I feel like i let people down
i feel like i didn't try hard enough to prepare my teams, to scrim or get maptalks or even just sit around and talk to them as much as i should have beforehand so we could maybe have done better, had an even better time
i'm ashamed that they trusted me to lead their teams & i couldn't manage that properly

this is not true - i don't know anyone on your teams that was upset with you and rightfully so since LAN is about meeting people and having fun, not about the tournaments (unless you are a prem team ofc)

One team leader to another, when shit goes wrong you will have this feeling but at the end of the day tf2 teams have 5 other people on them. Feelings of responsibility are good it's what makes you a leader. But it is never your fault (solely) if things have gone wrong, at least in 99% of scenarios. That 1% is reserved for people who have to lead teams to even play, pieces of shit no one wants to associate with except out of desperation or necessity. Learn to separate responsobility and fault and you're golden. İt won't stop the situation from being any shittier but it will lessen the strain on your mind. Stay strong brother.

Yo, I already said something similar earlier, but I personally didn't feel like that. I honestly think you're doing a pretty solid job leading, organising etc. and it's true that it can become annoying or stressful, especially when your teammates tend to have a lot of other stuff to do making scheduling a giant mess at times but you shouldn't take all of those factors on you only. I agree that our preparations weren't optimal but I think that was way more due to people not being avaiable very often and I'm also pretty convinced none of our players feels what you described. I appreciate the dedication from you there, just a little heads up though, it's totally fine, love you man! <3

Leading a team is hard. The failures are kept to ourselves and the victories go to the guys, even if you are one of them too. Theres always that little bit more of effort that could've been placed in this one area that would make everything else so much easier, no matter how much you actually do put in. The worst thing you can do to yourself and the team is be a boss, unfortunately i'm being able to say that from experience.

The best bit though-other than winning your div 8)-, i think, is the connection you develop with players where the team worked. I've found i recall memories less by the iteration of that roster or the team itself, and more of the guys that chose to stick it out that season or that i brought in from past. Those are what I'm really glad for.

no matter how much i do its just not enough

im tired

w

i recommend following https://twitter.com/IntThings f*ck the haters bro

ty

heads up king trust in the process

finished a 5 hour long lab experiment at uni and my lab partner is absolutely impossible to work with, he limits himself to the easiest first part of the experiment and acted extremely territorial about it so that he can spend the remaining harder parts of the experiment sitting down on his mobile in a corner, he then comes back to berate me for doing things wrong when I was infact doing them correctly, delaying our assignment and then annoying the fuck out of me by not doing the things I ask him to do because in his eyes I'm doing everything wrong even after I double check with our professor.
In the end we actually finish the experiment and the professor went to comment about each of the groups' results, when ours comes up she points out that a small but common error might've happened at the end but it was completely insignificant because we got the expected end results anyways and this asshole just gets all smug and blames me for it.

no wonder nobody wanted to be this useless fuck's lab partner

Probably doesn't mean much coming from me but on a real you're always one of the players I look at on pugchamp to play with. Sometimes I look at players on my team and I'm like FFS but not for you man.

Like in terms of tiers in pugs you're like an A pugger in my mind, none of that B tier pug shit, keep ya head up

Jokes aside i have a coke addiction and there is nothing i can do about it. I have told people and done that kind of thing and people did care but i just cant quit man i don't know what to fucking do and its making me sad and angry at the same fucking time shit is real rough man

I'm unemployed again and even though most of my work colleges were super nice, the manager was just a horrible human being. I know i'm not the only who felt this as I just found out that a few of my colleges also left shortly after I had for the same reasons. I would never be told what to do and how to do it, I would only ever be yelled at for not doing something that I had never been taught to do. I worked my ass off at that place and yet I was expected to do things that no one had ever taught me (despite me asking).

From what I can tell most of my co-workers have also left by now but still I don't have a job once again and finding one job was hard enough and now I have to find yet another one.

Spoke to your doctor? GP wise theres programs to help you out of this situation like rehab. Might be embarrassing or "shameful" but your doctor wont think like that and would just want to help

the police would be all up in me i cant risk that only one that can help me is me at the moment

I didn't want to offer up anything without making sure first, because I was 99% positive theres doctor patient confidentiality here. I was on placement at a GP last year for university and stayed in contact with my attached GP. I asked him about drug use and patient confidentiality and this is what he said
https://imgur.com/a/jTMPLTz
He then goes on to say about how the next step for the UK is decriminalising drug use and how to treat addiction etc.
Its obviously up to you what you do next, but good luck to you man <3