My confessions:

These are things I'd like to get off my chest. They are all ancient history, but may still be a good story and a cautionary tale of what to avoid.

I’d like to start off by saying that I am a high functioning autist. I have been on SSI for nearly a decade. This meant I had nothing to do but play TF2, the first real social aspect of my life. My first friends were all digital. When people I knew stopped playing to go focus on work or homework, I thought to myself. “Thank you for stopping by, this [TF2] is my home. I live here.”

I did some bad things. I’d like to illuminate them in order to find peace. I had a lot of beef with a lot of people, and I was usually in the wrong. This isn’t my self-defense, it is my confessions.

Let’s start with the fact that when a player and I had differences about team direction when I was running, I heard him make a joke about how his wallhacks didn’t work on cp_orange. Being autistic I didn’t understand it was a joke, and started a rumor campaign to get him banned. I eventually learned he was joking, but never gave the campaign up. I contacted the admins, went through demos with his team captain, the whole works. The poor player (Last name I knew him as was toxic, I don’t remember his name before that. Might have been “Cookiemonster.”) had a breakdown when I ran into him in a lobby. I’m sorry, toxic.

BRB.U

Here is an interesting one, I had beef with another highlander team captain, who I met through the brb.u community, and had a member of that community on my team, as my engineer. They made a thread about how they were splitting up, and not playing anymore. I jokingly told my engineer on steam: “I should post a picture of a trainwreck in that thread.” He responded “No, do it! Do it for real!” And so I thought to myself, “It’s not my community as much as it is his, I can do that for my soldier, a good captain has his soldiers back; that’s what a good captain would do.” So I did, and he followed suit. I lost a lot of friends there, but what hurt the most was my engineer telling them I twisted his arm, and not the other way around. I’m sorry BRB.U. I think the team captain was Don Coelite I’m sorry.

Communist Unicorn:

I’m so sorry. I did everything wrong. I started by moving you, my scout to pyro because I wanted 2 good players on my highlander team instead of one. (The one being him, I wanted to replace my pyro who refused to switch from backburner to degreaser) I wanted to replace my backburner loving pyro with one who would actually use the degreaser. I should never have done that. When you expressed concern about it, I should have immediately moved you back. Maybe you’ve moved on but maybe someone will show this to you. I had a great secret that motivated my actions to be irrational. I had a crush on you.

Anyhow this wasn’t the worst of it. I eventually moved to 6v6 and formed a team with him, and heres where it gets good: Firstly I had a toxic personality, but most painful was when I asked him if he knew a scout, he referred me to linkuser, who had never been on a team before, and I had commie move to pyro on my HL team and welcomed Linkuser to the scout role, cutting my long time pyro friend from the team, another thing I apologize for, I should never have done that to those people.

Continuing the trend, I scrimmed this team I liked, “brushie” regularly, they were about our level, a bit better than us actually, and one day, after losing a match, I got high on my prescribed painkillers, (I had a chronic and painful illness, which also helped cloud my thinking and conscience. (I still have it but it’s no longer painful.) Anyway I got high and jumped in their mumble to talk to them, unaware, and thanks to my painkiller high, uncaring, that they were in a match. I got banned from the mumble.

I got mad at them for this, and heres the next thing I did wrong: I wanted this pyro, named sorceress alice on my team. Brushie got to them first, so, inspired by a trash talking song I was listening to, and another opiate high, I got them in mumble and tried to get them to join my team by spending about ten minutes trash talking brushie. If only I could take that back and just congratulate them both on becoming a far better team than they were. Oh but this is not the doozy. The doozy is when my demomans computer died, and I needed a new demo. I knew that there was a player on brushie who wanted to move to demoman from scout, and I wanted to quit HL and focus on 6s. I hired him, and picked up another scout commie knew. “Fascist,” Truly a wonderful player, as everyone on brushie was.

I was scrimming with this roster for some time, and my old demos computer started working again. (This is painful to write and remember, my greatest mistake,) I wanted to play with my old friend so badly I thought I would have one scrim with him, and invite our new demo back in. I didn’t explain this, or check to see if it was alright, I just scrimmed. When I was done, commie, fascist, and lints a lot had all unfriended me. I found this out when I went to tell lints that he could join now.

I used to play for “Gangsta gang 6s” for a very short time. I was highly unqualified. I was just out of iron HL and this was my first taste of 6s. They were high open. It was also a short amount of time after I stopped using a trackball. I have almost as many hours as b4nny, but most of them were spent on pub spy with a trackball. I used to have to wildly spin the ball around in its socket to backstab. I got this habit from my gamer dad.

I was worse than terrible, my k2d was always negative, and my mic was so shitty I couldn’t call a scout had gotten behind.

I was cut, and I stalked my old team captain, Swiper, through the GG mumble repeating this mantra “Give me another chance” I was a backup on their team at this point. Cole, the streamer was on this team, he eventually joined with paddie and the 3 people that rightfully fired me and began streaming with them, I used to watch his stream happily before that, but now it was mainly insults to my character, and well deserved ones too.

At some point when joining a server with commie, I heard in the background a rap song created by a TF2 rival I had beef with and I urged players to go to his youtube page (Rainbro dash) and tell him to end his life. I repeated this often. “No, I think you can really get him to do it!” I said. I now live in a special house for people who hear voices, and the voices never stop telling me to end my own life. I reflect often on how just this is, that I should find no cease to the same sentiments, I deserve them. I deserve this constant torment.

I built my own 6s team and prayed that we wouldn’t be matched up, but we were. Viaduct week. My team had been historically good at DM maps. I had a few tricks up my sleeve and we pulled off a win.

First we had the IRL friend of our roamer, being an IM scout whose team had died. I paid his open fees, and in exchange he played scout for one match for us. I saw an old video on an invite teams strategy for 6v6 viaduct, they ran no soldiers because they took up so much heals for very little power on this map. This allowed us to switch our scout main (Who loved sniper more) to sniper, he did work. And have linkuser and benk on scout, plus our soldier on heavy. Since rollouts were immaterial, we did well with this lineup. (cont)