Hey man,
I'm very sorry to hear you're going through this. This sucks. No doubt about it, it's no kind of fun to be where you are right now. I hope very much that you can find the road out!
I've dealt with some form of depression or anxiety for most of my life.
I know exactly what you mean when you say you can't control the obsessions. I've had violent intrusions since I was about 5.
I know that with depression, too, it's so easy to get caught in a self destructive loop of thought. It's so terrifying. Myself and my disease are capable of making me feel completely worthless at a moment's notice.
I have had low points. I have begun to believe that there was no way out. Because down there, near rock bottom, it looks like you're impossibly far from happy.
The good news is that the way out isn't a 10 mile leap. It's just one step after another. And I promise that there is always a way.
If you want to make the climb, sometimes it will be hard. Sometimes it will be lonely. Sometimes it will seem like no one cares. Sometimes you will wake up and it will be a struggle to even get out of bed.
But sometimes, you will make progress. You will see how much better things can be. You will find people who extend a hand or drop you a rope.
And it won't always be perfect, but there is life after survival.
That I promise.
There is always, always a road to recovery.
As long as you're alive, it is never too late. You are never too far gone.
With 100% honesty I can tell you that I believe you are capable of doing it.
I wish you the best of luck, and the greatest of futures.
May you find your way out.