How do you catch a polar bear?
You cut a hole in the ice and surround it with peas. When a bear goes in to take a pea, you kick him in the ice hole.
heard that when i was like 8 from my dad. shit killed me.
Know any good jokes?
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How do you catch a polar bear?
You cut a hole in the ice and surround it with peas. When a bear goes in to take a pea, you kick him in the ice hole.
heard that when i was like 8 from my dad. shit killed me.
You cut a hole in the ice and surround it with peas. When a bear goes in to take a pea, you kick him in the ice hole.
heard that when i was like 8 from my dad. shit killed me.
It was starting to get really crowded in Heaven, so, for one day it was decided only to accept people who had really had a bad day on the day they died. St. Peter was standing at the pearly gates and said to the first man, "Tell me about the day you died."
The man said, "Oh, it was awful. I was sure my wife was having an affair, so I came home early to catch her with him. I searched all over the apartment but couldn't find him anywhere. So I went out onto the balcony, we live on the 25th floor, and found this man hanging over the edge by his fingertips. I went inside, got a hammer, and started hitting his hands. He fell, but landed in some bushes. So, I got the refrigerator and pushed it over the balcony and it crushed him. The strain of the act gave me a heart attack, and I died."
St. Peter couldn't deny that this was a pretty bad day, and since it was a crime of passion, he let the man in.
He then asked the next man in line about the day he died. "Well, sir, it was awful," said the second man. "I was doing aerobics on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment when I twisted my ankle and slipped over the edge. I managed to grab the balcony of the apartment below, but some maniac came out and started pounding on my fingers with a hammer. Luckily I landed in some bushes. But, then the guy dropped a refrigerator on me!"
St. Peter chuckled, let him into heaven and decided he could really start to enjoy this job.
"Tell me about the day you died?", he said to the third man in line.
"OK, picture this, I'm naked, hiding inside a refrigerator...."
How many tickles does it take to make a squid laugh? Ten-tickles
Have you heard about the guy who got his entire left side torn off in that freak accident? They say he's gonna be all-right.
It was starting to get really crowded in Heaven, so, for one day it was decided only to accept people who had really had a bad day on the day they died. St. Peter was standing at the pearly gates and said to the first man, "Tell me about the day you died."
The man said, "Oh, it was awful. I was sure my wife was having an affair, so I came home early to catch her with him. I searched all over the apartment but couldn't find him anywhere. So I went out onto the balcony, we live on the 25th floor, and found this man hanging over the edge by his fingertips. I went inside, got a hammer, and started hitting his hands. He fell, but landed in some bushes. So, I got the refrigerator and pushed it over the balcony and it crushed him. The strain of the act gave me a heart attack, and I died."
St. Peter couldn't deny that this was a pretty bad day, and since it was a crime of passion, he let the man in.
He then asked the next man in line about the day he died. "Well, sir, it was awful," said the second man. "I was doing aerobics on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment when I twisted my ankle and slipped over the edge. I managed to grab the balcony of the apartment below, but some maniac came out and started pounding on my fingers with a hammer. Luckily I landed in some bushes. But, then the guy dropped a refrigerator on me!"
St. Peter chuckled, let him into heaven and decided he could really start to enjoy this job.
"Tell me about the day you died?", he said to the third man in line.
"OK, picture this, I'm naked, hiding inside a refrigerator...."
How many tickles does it take to make a squid laugh? Ten-tickles
Have you heard about the guy who got his entire left side torn off in that freak accident? They say he's gonna be all-right.
The man said, "Oh, it was awful. I was sure my wife was having an affair, so I came home early to catch her with him. I searched all over the apartment but couldn't find him anywhere. So I went out onto the balcony, we live on the 25th floor, and found this man hanging over the edge by his fingertips. I went inside, got a hammer, and started hitting his hands. He fell, but landed in some bushes. So, I got the refrigerator and pushed it over the balcony and it crushed him. The strain of the act gave me a heart attack, and I died."
St. Peter couldn't deny that this was a pretty bad day, and since it was a crime of passion, he let the man in.
He then asked the next man in line about the day he died. "Well, sir, it was awful," said the second man. "I was doing aerobics on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment when I twisted my ankle and slipped over the edge. I managed to grab the balcony of the apartment below, but some maniac came out and started pounding on my fingers with a hammer. Luckily I landed in some bushes. But, then the guy dropped a refrigerator on me!"
St. Peter chuckled, let him into heaven and decided he could really start to enjoy this job.
"Tell me about the day you died?", he said to the third man in line.
"OK, picture this, I'm naked, hiding inside a refrigerator...."
How many tickles does it take to make a squid laugh? Ten-tickles
Have you heard about the guy who got his entire left side torn off in that freak accident? They say he's gonna be all-right.
Three guys got into a car crash and all died. They all get up to heaven and meet St. Peter at the gates. St. Peter said "Okay everyone can come in, but whatever you do don't step on a duck." The gates open and there are ducks everywhere, all over the floor, on tabletops, everywhere. The first guy walks in and accidentally steps on a duck. St. Peter comes along and handcuffs him to the ugliest woman in all the world and says, "Now you must stay handcuffed for all eternity." The other two see this and do their best not avoid the ducks. The second guy goes months and months without stepping on any duck. Then one morning he wakes up and as he is getting out of bed he steps on two ducks. St. Peter comes over and handcuffs him to the most atrocious looking and smelling woman and says, "Now you must stay handcuffed to each other for all eternity." Now the third guy goes years and years and doesn't step on any ducks in all that time. Then one day St. Peter comes along and handcuffs him to the most beautiful woman he as ever seen. St. Peter says, "Now you must stay handcuffed to each other for all eternity." The guy happily says, "Oh my God, what have I done to deserve this?!" And the woman says, "I don't know what you did, but I stepped on a duck."
One day a blonde decided to go horse back riding.
After a very long search, she finally found a beautiful horse she thought she could ride. Things started off well enough, slowly trotting along, but soon the horse started going faster and faster, despite her best efforts to slow down.
Being new to horseback riding the blonde started to fall off. She tried everything, grabbing the mane, then she tried to grab the saddle, but could not hold on. She grabbed onto the horses' tail and it went mad, as her seemingly lifeless body continued to be pummeled in by the creature.
Mere moments before death, as she laid eyes closed on the ground, Johnathan, the Walmart manager, comes and shuts the horse off.
Three guys got into a car crash and all died. They all get up to heaven and meet St. Peter at the gates. St. Peter said "Okay everyone can come in, but whatever you do don't step on a duck." The gates open and there are ducks everywhere, all over the floor, on tabletops, everywhere. The first guy walks in and accidentally steps on a duck. St. Peter comes along and handcuffs him to the ugliest woman in all the world and says, "Now you must stay handcuffed for all eternity." The other two see this and do their best not avoid the ducks. The second guy goes months and months without stepping on any duck. Then one morning he wakes up and as he is getting out of bed he steps on two ducks. St. Peter comes over and handcuffs him to the most atrocious looking and smelling woman and says, "Now you must stay handcuffed to each other for all eternity." Now the third guy goes years and years and doesn't step on any ducks in all that time. Then one day St. Peter comes along and handcuffs him to the most beautiful woman he as ever seen. St. Peter says, "Now you must stay handcuffed to each other for all eternity." The guy happily says, "Oh my God, what have I done to deserve this?!" And the woman says, "I don't know what you did, but I stepped on a duck."
One day a blonde decided to go horse back riding.
After a very long search, she finally found a beautiful horse she thought she could ride. Things started off well enough, slowly trotting along, but soon the horse started going faster and faster, despite her best efforts to slow down.
Being new to horseback riding the blonde started to fall off. She tried everything, grabbing the mane, then she tried to grab the saddle, but could not hold on. She grabbed onto the horses' tail and it went mad, as her seemingly lifeless body continued to be pummeled in by the creature.
Mere moments before death, as she laid eyes closed on the ground, Johnathan, the Walmart manager, comes and shuts the horse off.
One day a blonde decided to go horse back riding.
After a very long search, she finally found a beautiful horse she thought she could ride. Things started off well enough, slowly trotting along, but soon the horse started going faster and faster, despite her best efforts to slow down.
Being new to horseback riding the blonde started to fall off. She tried everything, grabbing the mane, then she tried to grab the saddle, but could not hold on. She grabbed onto the horses' tail and it went mad, as her seemingly lifeless body continued to be pummeled in by the creature.
Mere moments before death, as she laid eyes closed on the ground, Johnathan, the Walmart manager, comes and shuts the horse off.
whats sad about 4 black men driving a car off a cliff?
THEY WERE MY FRIENDS
whats sad about 4 black men driving a car off a cliff?
THEY WERE MY FRIENDS
THEY WERE MY FRIENDS
Newspaper Headline: Tornado rips through cemetery, hundreds found dead.
Newspaper Headline: Tornado rips through cemetery, hundreds found dead.
i recently took up ice sculpting. last night i made an ice cube. this morning i made 12, i was prolific.
i recently took up ice sculpting. last night i made an ice cube. this morning i made 12, i was prolific.
spac3yo mama so fatShow Contentwe are all concerned for her increased risk of cardiovascular disease
why does michael j. fox make the best milkshakes?
Show Content
because he uses all the finest ingredients
what do you call a black man on the moon?
Show Content
an astronaut
[quote=spac3]yo mama so fat
[spoiler]we are all concerned for her increased risk of cardiovascular disease[/spoiler][/quote]
why does michael j. fox make the best milkshakes?
[spoiler]because he uses all the finest ingredients[/spoiler]
what do you call a black man on the moon?
[spoiler]an astronaut[/spoiler]
[spoiler]we are all concerned for her increased risk of cardiovascular disease[/spoiler][/quote]
why does michael j. fox make the best milkshakes?
[spoiler]because he uses all the finest ingredients[/spoiler]
what do you call a black man on the moon?
[spoiler]an astronaut[/spoiler]
What do you get if you insert human DNA into a goat?
Banned from the petting zoo.
What do you get if you insert human DNA into a goat?
Banned from the petting zoo.
Banned from the petting zoo.
Yo mama like a gas station, pump and pay
Why did the man go to 7-Eleven? To get a slurpie
Yo mama like a gas station, pump and pay
Why did the man go to 7-Eleven? To get a slurpie
Why did the man go to 7-Eleven? To get a slurpie
(While driving by a cemetery)
"Hey, try to guess how many people are dead in that cemetery?"
Show Content
All of them
(While driving by a cemetery)
"Hey, try to guess how many people are dead in that cemetery?"
[spoiler]All of them[/spoiler]
"Hey, try to guess how many people are dead in that cemetery?"
[spoiler]All of them[/spoiler]
why didn't the chicken cross the road?
because it was disabled.
why didn't the chicken cross the road?
because it was disabled.
because it was disabled.
Being an england supporter is like being the over-optimistic parents of the fat kid on sports day.
Why is 6 scared of 7?
Show Content
Cause 7 ate nine
Being an england supporter is like being the over-optimistic parents of the fat kid on sports day.
Why is 6 scared of 7?[spoiler]Cause 7 ate nine[/spoiler]
Why is 6 scared of 7?[spoiler]Cause 7 ate nine[/spoiler]
An American fig farmer hired a young Chinese child to harvest figs and carry them from the trees to storage. While the child was a good climber, he lacked the strength to carry the figs efficiently, and the farmer hired a second boy, a Mexican, to transport the figs while the first child picked them. The second boy fared better, but was not moving figs fast enough to keep up with the rate of picking. A third boy, a German child, observed the situation, approached the farmer and said "I can do better than him." The farmer replaced the Mexican with the German. While the German did indeed do better, he still couldn’t quite keep up with the rate of picking. A fourth boy, of Irish descent, approached the farmer and said "I used to be a caddy for my father’s boss, I can do better." The farmer replaced the German with the Irishman. The Irish boy fared better yet, and could almost transport all the figs that the Mexican boy picked, but not quite. A travelling salesman noticed the situation and approached the farmer.
"Look, I have a robot here that specializes in load transportation. He can even communicate with humans!"
The farmer, with a skeptical eye, turned to the robot and said "You think you can do better than all of my previous helpers?"
The robot turned his head, took a look at the Irish boy, who was so exhausted that he was sleeping on the dirt path with figs strewn about him. He looked back at the farmer, and his robotic voice uttered:
"BETTER THAN FIG CADDY MICK."
An American fig farmer hired a young Chinese child to harvest figs and carry them from the trees to storage. While the child was a good climber, he lacked the strength to carry the figs efficiently, and the farmer hired a second boy, a Mexican, to transport the figs while the first child picked them. The second boy fared better, but was not moving figs fast enough to keep up with the rate of picking. A third boy, a German child, observed the situation, approached the farmer and said "I can do better than him." The farmer replaced the Mexican with the German. While the German did indeed do better, he still couldn’t quite keep up with the rate of picking. A fourth boy, of Irish descent, approached the farmer and said "I used to be a caddy for my father’s boss, I can do better." The farmer replaced the German with the Irishman. The Irish boy fared better yet, and could almost transport all the figs that the Mexican boy picked, but not quite. A travelling salesman noticed the situation and approached the farmer.
"Look, I have a robot here that specializes in load transportation. He can even communicate with humans!"
The farmer, with a skeptical eye, turned to the robot and said "You think you can do better than all of my previous helpers?"
The robot turned his head, took a look at the Irish boy, who was so exhausted that he was sleeping on the dirt path with figs strewn about him. He looked back at the farmer, and his robotic voice uttered:
"BETTER THAN FIG CADDY MICK."
"Look, I have a robot here that specializes in load transportation. He can even communicate with humans!"
The farmer, with a skeptical eye, turned to the robot and said "You think you can do better than all of my previous helpers?"
The robot turned his head, took a look at the Irish boy, who was so exhausted that he was sleeping on the dirt path with figs strewn about him. He looked back at the farmer, and his robotic voice uttered:
"BETTER THAN FIG CADDY MICK."
4 brothers, raised without a father, grew up to be successful lawyers and all became rich. It's Christmas, and the brothers are holding a meeting to discuss what they plan to buy for their mother.
The first brother says: "Well, to show how much I love Ma, I'm going to buy her a new Ferrari. I'm sure she'll like it."
The second brother says: "I'm actually going to buy a big house for her, she'll love all the nice rooms."
The third brother says: "That's a good idea! I'll install her very own movie theater in that house."
The fourth brother says: "Very nice, lads. You know how Ma loves reading the Bible? Well lately her eyes have gotten a lot worse and she can't read well anymore. Recently I met a pastor who told me how there is a parrot that knows the entire bible by heart. Say a chapter, and he'll tell you. It took 20 pastors 12 years to train him, and I had to promise the church an enormous amount of money annually, but Ma raised us so well, she deserves it.
After Christmas, all of the boys receive a letter from their mother about the presents.
Letter to the first brother: "Thank you my dear for the new car. I unfortunately can't use it much, as my eyes have really gone downhill. I usually walk to the supermarket now. Thanks anyway!"
Letter to the second brother: "Thank you my dear for the amazing house. I had to hire 5 cleaning ladies to keep the rooms clean though, it's so huge, I can't do it myself with my bad back! I'm not sure if I can afford this without more financial aid. Love, mom"
Letter to the third brother: "Lovely cinema dear, unfortunately I can't enjoy it with my bad hearing and eyesight. Most of my friends can't either. It's tough getting old. Thanks anyway!"
Letter to the fourth brother: "Harry, you are the only son who truly knows what I wanted. The Christmas turkey was delicious, thank you so much!"
4 brothers, raised without a father, grew up to be successful lawyers and all became rich. It's Christmas, and the brothers are holding a meeting to discuss what they plan to buy for their mother.
The first brother says: "Well, to show how much I love Ma, I'm going to buy her a new Ferrari. I'm sure she'll like it."
The second brother says: "I'm actually going to buy a big house for her, she'll love all the nice rooms."
The third brother says: "That's a good idea! I'll install her very own movie theater in that house."
The fourth brother says: "Very nice, lads. You know how Ma loves reading the Bible? Well lately her eyes have gotten a lot worse and she can't read well anymore. Recently I met a pastor who told me how there is a parrot that knows the entire bible by heart. Say a chapter, and he'll tell you. It took 20 pastors 12 years to train him, and I had to promise the church an enormous amount of money annually, but Ma raised us so well, she deserves it.
After Christmas, all of the boys receive a letter from their mother about the presents.
Letter to the first brother: "Thank you my dear for the new car. I unfortunately can't use it much, as my eyes have really gone downhill. I usually walk to the supermarket now. Thanks anyway!"
Letter to the second brother: "Thank you my dear for the amazing house. I had to hire 5 cleaning ladies to keep the rooms clean though, it's so huge, I can't do it myself with my bad back! I'm not sure if I can afford this without more financial aid. Love, mom"
Letter to the third brother: "Lovely cinema dear, unfortunately I can't enjoy it with my bad hearing and eyesight. Most of my friends can't either. It's tough getting old. Thanks anyway!"
Letter to the fourth brother: "Harry, you are the only son who truly knows what I wanted. The Christmas turkey was delicious, thank you so much!"
The first brother says: "Well, to show how much I love Ma, I'm going to buy her a new Ferrari. I'm sure she'll like it."
The second brother says: "I'm actually going to buy a big house for her, she'll love all the nice rooms."
The third brother says: "That's a good idea! I'll install her very own movie theater in that house."
The fourth brother says: "Very nice, lads. You know how Ma loves reading the Bible? Well lately her eyes have gotten a lot worse and she can't read well anymore. Recently I met a pastor who told me how there is a parrot that knows the entire bible by heart. Say a chapter, and he'll tell you. It took 20 pastors 12 years to train him, and I had to promise the church an enormous amount of money annually, but Ma raised us so well, she deserves it.
After Christmas, all of the boys receive a letter from their mother about the presents.
Letter to the first brother: "Thank you my dear for the new car. I unfortunately can't use it much, as my eyes have really gone downhill. I usually walk to the supermarket now. Thanks anyway!"
Letter to the second brother: "Thank you my dear for the amazing house. I had to hire 5 cleaning ladies to keep the rooms clean though, it's so huge, I can't do it myself with my bad back! I'm not sure if I can afford this without more financial aid. Love, mom"
Letter to the third brother: "Lovely cinema dear, unfortunately I can't enjoy it with my bad hearing and eyesight. Most of my friends can't either. It's tough getting old. Thanks anyway!"
Letter to the fourth brother: "Harry, you are the only son who truly knows what I wanted. The Christmas turkey was delicious, thank you so much!"
What's the difference between Tim Howard and Jesus?
Show Content
Jesus had 11 people he could depend on.
What's the difference between Tim Howard and Jesus? [spoiler]Jesus had 11 people he could depend on.[/spoiler]
Not everyone's type of humor: http://www.reddit.com/r/dadjokes
Not everyone's type of humor: http://www.reddit.com/r/dadjokes
I raped this girl last night.
It sucks she gave me AIDS.
Flow does a 9 year old get
AIDS?
I guess my little sister
hangs out with the wrong
crowd.
I raped this girl last night.
It sucks she gave me AIDS.
Flow does a 9 year old get
AIDS?
I guess my little sister
hangs out with the wrong
crowd.
It sucks she gave me AIDS.
Flow does a 9 year old get
AIDS?
I guess my little sister
hangs out with the wrong
crowd.
What's red and bad for your teeth?
A brick.
What's green and when you get it stuck between your teeth, you die?
A tractor.
What's white and can't climb trees?
A fridge.
What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back?
A stick.
Two dyslexics walk into a bra.
Want to hear a clean joke? The boy took a bath with bubbles. Want to hear a dirty joke? Bubbles was a man.
/ stolen from http://goo.gl/gypDp
What's red and bad for your teeth?
A brick.
What's green and when you get it stuck between your teeth, you die?
A tractor.
What's white and can't climb trees?
A fridge.
What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back?
A stick.
Two dyslexics walk into a bra.
Want to hear a clean joke? The boy took a bath with bubbles. Want to hear a dirty joke? Bubbles was a man.
/ stolen from http://goo.gl/gypDp
A brick.
What's green and when you get it stuck between your teeth, you die?
A tractor.
What's white and can't climb trees?
A fridge.
What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back?
A stick.
Two dyslexics walk into a bra.
Want to hear a clean joke? The boy took a bath with bubbles. Want to hear a dirty joke? Bubbles was a man.
/ stolen from http://goo.gl/gypDp
jackalapplesI raped this girl last night.
It sucks she gave me AIDS.
your sense of humor is less than abysmal
[quote=jackalapples]I raped this girl last night.
It sucks she gave me AIDS.[/quote]
your sense of humor is less than abysmal
It sucks she gave me AIDS.[/quote]
your sense of humor is less than abysmal
I'm no weather forecaster, but you can expect a couple inches tonight
I put the STD in Stud all I need is U
I'm no weather forecaster, but you can expect a couple inches tonight
I put the STD in Stud all I need is U
I put the STD in Stud all I need is U
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