same dude my image is ruined because i did really bad in a pug group and i was toxic with people who kept fucking with me now im toxic and thats all everyone says on my lft post

i thought i would be moving into college for my sophomore year today, but i just found out my grandmother has stage 3 stomach cancer so instead I'm helping her move into my family's house, and taking at least this semester off to help care for her. it's really crazy how all my plans are on hold for now and I haven't lost a family member before so i'm feeling totally out of it right now

I just lost my grandpa a couple of months ago, first close loss since my Papa when I was 8 and wasn't really aware. It sucks. I don't have much advice because there isn't much to give, but don't be afraid to reach out to friends and family. They really do care about you and will support you.

My confession is that my lack of self-control is turning me into a bad person. Not a lazy person or an unmotivated person, but a bad person. I am going to be getting help this semester. Thank God my university has free mental health services.

it weighs down on me how i cant vent my frustration and sadness to my close friends sometimes. because i keep them as motivated as possible and i always try to keep them trying their hardest when they are feeling down, i cant show them that im feeling bad like them or i feel like im being a bad example
i wont ever satisfy my parent's expectations because im not into finding a wife or having kids at any point, and it makes me sick to think that if my family knew me better they would all dislike me

'fake it til you make it' is real, in way of confidence. your attitude begets your experiences. if you spend most of your days thinking angry thoughts, doubting yourself, thats what youre going to get. if you build yourself up in your head, tell yourself you are a winner, that you got this, that youre going to roll people in game, you will approach that reality. you cant let yourself be taken down by a few losses or some trolls online. youre here to frag hard and have fun, right? remember why youre here, dont let others bog you down along the way. stay above the negativity, itll make you stand out.

I was in the same position as you last year for my sophomore year, like literally the same exact situation. My family knew my grandma was sick, she was having trouble walking and breathing. I was supposed to move in the on the Sunday before classes started, the Saturday before we got a call saying she was in the hospital. I don't know the exact details but she was in spectic shock and we were told she had a most a week. My sisters and I used to always go to her house when we were kids and even when we were older we drove over (she lived about an hour from us) for one week during the summer i drove over there everyday to help her around the house and just spend time with her. So when we heard the news that she was in the hospital and not going to make it I was devastated, I still moved back to school the next day unlike you and halfway through the first week of school she had passed. I was just thrown out of it and didn't feel like doing anything for almost a week.

It sucks to lose a family member, it sucks to even have the scare of losing a family member. Both my parents had cancer as well and it was some of the scariest days of my life not knowing if they were going to make it through or not. Spend time with her and remember it all. It's terrible to lose someone close to you. Hope your grandma, you and the rest of your family can pull through it

I've been eating shit in the game recently but I don't want to take a break from it. I know that a break is absolutely what I need right now with school starting in 2 weeks, but I want to keep improving.
Although at the same time it's been feeling like that process is just me bashing my head in a wall

every single team i've every made or lead has died within a month and i feel like its because im such shit at scheduling anything or keeping myself composed ingame. I have adhd and i take ritalin for school so sometimes that helps a little with focus ingame and in setting up scrims etc but usually i just forget/leave scrims till the last minuite or zone out. I've notcied it recently getting back into medic where i'll space out and then fuck up a surf of something and die without realizing what just happened.

im a mediocre medic trying to climb my way through open but when someone criticizes me i just start feeling really shitty. like i think im a pretty nice guy and ive learned a lot from people yelling at me and im grateful for it but ive ended pugs legitimately feeling sick cuz i hate confrontation and im such a people pleaser. and the worst thing is that most of the issues arent even tf2 related its like i need to fix them irl so that when i get criticism i can keep it in mind without taking it personally

perhaps the reason that many of you are living lives that you don't want to live is because you each make the choice to live that way each day

has anyone actually improved their own quality of life in the long run by complaining about their problems in tf.tv threads? it seems to me that this thread is just a ton of people making a conscious effort to remain sad about insignificant issues despite the large amount of time they've been given to improve upon their situation. if you were serious about improving your life youd make a change instead of vehemently defending your shitty decisions and lying to yourself about what is and isnt your fault

none of you were born in shithole countries like india or afganistan and man have you all taken advantage of that. team fortress two, depression threads and dwelling in ones problems; now thats the life :D

stop absolving yourselves of responsibility for each of your actions and get out of this cesspool of a circlejerk. none of you are going to feel better by defending decisions that you know are shitty

^ i didnt make the thread for people to pat themselves on the back about being sad. it didnt have to be anything sad at all, i guess there are just a lot of people here who feel similarly. i made the thread so people can give advice and encourage others and try to be helpful toward one another. i completely agree with you about people needing to be proactive about bettering their lives, but everyone starts somewhere, right? opening up and admitting your feelings is the first step. would you go to the gym and yell at a fat guy for trying to exercise? i know youre just trying to help too, deep down, but the way you worded it is kind of condescending.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fallacy_of_relative_privation

http://lostallhope.com/suicide-methods/jumping-under-train

I wish I was dead. Not in a crazed desperate sad way. But just thinking about my future and current events just makes me not want to deal with it anymore. Kinda wish life had an off button.

the fuck

mannn i know you dont want death. nobody wants to die. dying is the worst result you can achieve and the entire point of existence is survival, aka avoiding death. there might be some circumstances going on that make it seem like dying is the easiest way to cope, but dying is not going to solve anything. even if you could hit that 'off' button, you cant ever turn it back on once you realize "oh shit... maybe i shouldnt have done that".

maybe if you werent a toxic bind spammer people would respect you more

voice_enable 0 retard. If you're getting offended by random people in a video game you probably shouldn't have a computer.

I have an incredible ego and try and take credit for a lot of things that are only half truths, despite knowing what I am saying is wrong. I shittalk tons of newer open players who will honestly probably be better than me with the same experience, and that definitely already have better DM skill. I play on iron/steel teams as a mentor because I genuinely think I can teach them something, only to end up attempting to carry them because of my poor teaching ability and lack of experience on scout/demoman.

I am way to trusting with people, and should be more cautious with whom I trust information with. My server RCON is pretty much public within everyone I know, anyone I've tried to do anything with has fucked me over in the end, (Extreme PUGs Katie, Gold-IM PUGs Puppy, That wierd eSports org thing with that one shady dude whose name slips my mind). Only recently have I actually attempted to make myself stop looking like a mongoloid by attempting to do things like make a PUG group for new maps to benefit mapmakers. Even then my trust seems misguided, as one of my admins didnt even bother to properly host pugs when I told him in advance I'd be gone.

At the same time though, I feel like so much is out of my hands. I have a shitty mouse, so my shitty aim is potentially caused by that for all I know. I have a 144hz monitor, but can't really utilize it since my video card doesnt have outputs for 144hz 1080p. I have the money to buy new shit, but I can't use it, as it is in my tax return checks. I would cash them, but I have no bank account and can't create one because my parents lost my social security card and though they claim it is in the mail it is a week past the expected arrival of it. Because of this I can't get a job either, which is incredibly frustrating because my parents won't allow me to get a learner's permit unless I hold a job, and also because they constantly bother myself and my brother about it.

I probably have AD/HD as well, though my parents think I'm a retarded self-diagnosing 16 year old (despite consulting my therapist and friends with the disorder about it). Anything that would be usually seen as a "symptom" they seem to construe as "my son is a pathetic idiot who doesn't care about anyone but himself." Shitty focus and trouble remembering assignments/chores/appointments? Na, he just doesnt give a shit. Poor grades in school and homework incomplete, however not by refusal or inability? Lazy fuck. I've gone over the survey that they've given my parents to take and for them to give to my teachers, and I ring the fucking bell for every possible symptom. Either I have some sort of other brain damage, or AD/HD. But what do I know, being the edgy 16 year old that I am :P

http://statusmind.com/images/2014/03/Death-Quotes-34911-statusmind.com.jpg
quote-img.site2quotes.com/quotes/trust-quotes-cicero-644.png

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6exK3f3cJs0

https://pbs.twimg.com/media/Ck2MtAhWkAAkUo-.png

edit: voice_enable 0 does not work in mumble and nor does local muting when people change certificates afaik

keep pursuing therapy. you are still young and maybe your parents dont want to accept that you have some sort of mental health issue. you know what is best for you, and you will find a therapist that believes in your case enough to make a strong argument for you. at the very least you will be 18 soon and then you have a bit more freedoms in pursuing better health. also, hound your parents for your social security card daily. you need that shit to do anything in the US basically. get on their backs about it, it will also prove you arent 'lazy' if you keep inquiring about something so important. in all honesty i think you should just save your money for something better like a car or moving out of your parents house instead of dumping it into computer stuff so you can continue to play an outdated game. i was gaming on a piece of shit laptop with an old razer deathadder mouse for a long time, while i do agree having inferior gear hurts gaming performance, i do know that it is somewhat of a mental limitation if you tell yourself "i suck because my mouse/computer sucks". you can definitely still learn and make progress and become a better player even if you are gaming on a low-tier setup.

i'm an adrenaline junkie and i live in constant fear that i'll get myself killed in any of my future endeavors,i worked too hard to get the perfectly balanced lifestyle that i have right now to just let it all go away for being a dumb asshole

a friend of 6 years died in a freak show accident around 3 weeks ago,i can't help but feel like i could have prevented it,half way through the third day of his funeral i went back to my car and cried for what seemed like an hour

i think you know deep down what you want. if you have the ability to pursue pro sports, i would do it while youre still young and (im guessing) in shape. at least try to go as far as you can now before youre a middle-aged hasbeen who looks back and says "ahh i could have been great!" (im thinking of uncle rico from napoleon dynamite here l0l)

comes off as sarcastic maybe thats why youre getting -'d but i think poor performance in video games should not be something to let yourself get depressed about. i always tell myself "im not as good as other people at this game, but at least i havent wasted as many hours as they have".

Im afraid to try and kill myself again because ive convinced myself that its just another thing ill fail at. I used to act depressed for the meme, but then I got sad. I have 0 reason to be sad and I have the greatest parents that send me all over the world and buy me nice stuff and I take them for granite. I use to love to write, and have like a book and a half done but havnt worked on it for a year for no apparent reason. I spew garbage, think im way better than I am, invite myself into steam friend groups where I shouldnt be, im clingy, annoying, and need constant stimulation or I go crazy. Im extremely gifted when it comes to school but am too fucking lazy to finish the college applications that my mom already had someone half do. Im pretty much a shitty person.

i think you might benefit from walking away from the computer more often. it sounds like you enjoy the world and have some creative outlets. the internet has a way of making people really shitty and depressed for no reason. im convinced that long periods of time spent on the internet drain a person of their energy and force them into negative headspaces. and dont kill yourself. nobody is going to like that, and its not going to help you with your issues. finish your goddamn college applications, sooner the better. i wish i didnt slack off in that area. i wanted to apply to a bunch of schools but wound up only applying to two. i didnt even go to either of them despite being accepted. if you are gifted in school then ride that train for as long as possible. its going to be the best thing going for you in life, i promise.

This was unexpected

<3