I wish I didn't have this panic disorder.
I wish I didn't have social anxiety.

I've skipped out on so many things because of this shit.
I can barely go outside anymore.
I just wish I could be okay.

zz

i wish i wasn't such an awful person most of the time

i either joke around too much and push people away because they're annoyed, or i'm too cold and angry towards people that could probably be genuinely good friends and make them not want to interact with me ever by blowing up a small issue into a huge situation by making myself look like a giant ass

i really don't want to want to be disliked, i'd like to be a friend or acquaintance with the majority of the community and enjoy interacting with people on here, but i've put myself in this social bunker where i don't really like to let people in unless i know that they'll be an actual friend, and not someone who will just trash me behind my back, which i've had happen to me too often for me to let my guard down, to the point where i really don't want to try meeting new people in this community anymore

because of this, i just push way too many people away than i let in, and it's miserable at times

also, fuck ocd, i've tried everything in the book to help ease it's effects aside from heavy medication, but i always fall back to my old self

some days it's ok and i get through the day perfectly fine, but there's some nights where i literally have to spend an hour and a half just straightening the positions of my mousepad, keyboard, and the angle of my monitor or i can't concentrate at all

if anyone else here lives with ocd, no matter how debilitating, tips and help managing it would be greatly appreciated, i really do hope i can beat it one day

experimenting with drugs and alcohol is a normal part of life, especially beginning in teen years. ive done drugs/drank on and off, despite knowing that almost every single person in my family has addiction problems and that it puts me at a huge risk. i am sober now, but very recently i was still struggling with alcohol and marijuana, as well as occasional hard substance use. im not sure what to tell you to get you to quit drinking, other than if you really want to stop then you will find a way, and that i think if you are coming out and admitting to alcoholism then it is time to give it up. i just want you to know youre not alone in your struggle and that it does not make you not-normal. you are still a normal human being, you are facing something that cannot be understood by people who have not also had trouble with alcoholism or other addictions. if you want to talk further about it you can add me on steam or continue here, ill try my best.

> when u win a pug but you get so triggered by how ur team plays you wanna quit tf2

I thought this was a safe space

take pugs less seriously

problem solved

6 month old since last post, but just want to get it off my chest. Just disappointed in myself with irl relationships and everyone posting on Facebook how fucking great their lives are. Even though I know it's the best representation of yourself or aspect of your life that your posting on Facebook, and the fact that I have become distrant with other people or I burned bridges in relationship. Always leaves me sad inside when you see a person that you had good relations with, but something happened that left everything sour. I also regret not speaking to my dad's grandma more and trying to talk to her more despite me not knowing much korean at that time, worried she might just die off real soon without me getting to know her. Edit: also I made a lot of fucking stupid mistakes as a first time leader, like being indifferent and sort of aggressive dummy to my team in the beginning of s24. And cutting our medic at the start, but had such huge roster issues after that and made me realize how nice it is to have a medic that was actually motivated to play tf2. And huge fucking arguments near the end of the season. But I learned and hopefully if I ever make a team in the future, I'll try to be honest as possible.

i upvote my own stuff because i'm insecure, but i post stuff anyway to pass the time.

everything i do is predisposed to self-hate no matter what
i can't stand myself
i want to be a different person, not better or worse, but just someone else entirely
maybe i have a loose sense of self to constantly chase that fantasy

I have boner all the time

i've been playing tf2 for 6 years and i'm not good at it

i've been editing videos for 2 years and i'm not good at it

i've been in school for 12 years and i'm not good at it

i'm convinced my parents don't like spending time with me

i don't have very many friends

im not very well liked

my situation blows and its almost entirely my fault

i get pissed when i read this thread because my life is fucking amazing and yet ive still never once had anyone close to a friend and thats the one thing everyone else has

since i was a kid ive always wanted to become an animator and learn how to draw but i never learned to draw. even today i cant draw for shit and i doubt ill ever learn now

ive always wanted to get good at tf2 but never could get good at it because im bad at it. im just slowly losing interest in tf2 and games in general.

i dont enjoy my family because they got so burnt out by my two older sisters they stopped caring for me, turned into narcissists, and they dont enjoy me

i dont have any friends because im a terrible person who isnt funny or sociable

i shouldnt be upset, im in a good situation and yet i let all my dreams slip past me and ive spent the last 12 years doing nothing but dreaming about the future ill never get to experience because i never worked for it. i dont even know if ill be able to regain all of the years ive wasted doing nothing and i doubt i ever will

Well how many of that time was spent on competitive? And when did you start tf2 competitively and ESEA for that matter. I wouldn't worry to much, like other people said. continuing to play with other people who are willing to improve and dedicate time together will get you good and give you game sense.

derealisation is fun

If you are over the age of 18 and are legally an adult, and you NEED a safe space, your parents have coddled you too much and are failures. You don't need a safe space to live, you don't need a safe space to operate, people have ben surviving for thousands of years without a safe space.

http://i.imgur.com/A2T6ndK.jpg

i wish my friends liked me as much as i liked them.

-

I really should stop being a lazy cunt

My life hasn't been shitty but I don't know if it's been all that great.

I don't know if my views of the world are correct and I keep having to fight to keep my views heard and active.

I'm so tired of fighting.

I'm about to leave high school but I still feel like a child who has no control over their future.

I just want to not be depressed and destroyed and I want to be in control of my life.

I wish I did not have epilepsy, it actually gets my head to hurt like crazy sometimes and won't stop, thank God I don't suffer for major seizures.

alright i regret apologizing to you s23, i think your kinda of a shit head now.

i feel like compared to the amount of people i enjoy being around, nobody enjoys being around me. both in tf2 and irl. i would consider myself averagely social in real life, but that nobody makes an effort to try to talk to me - i feel like i always have to be the one engaging a conversation and it sucks because i don't know if people like talking to me or if they're just acting like it to be polite.

-

I know its retarded, but for some reason I'm so nervous around my girlfriend and I don't feel as if I'm good enough for her. Ive thought about breaking up with her but that would put me where I was before, a complete mess. I feel trapped.

if she agrees to be ur gf surely ur good enough for her :)

Listen, motherfucker: your girlfriend is an independent human being capable of her own thought process. Let's assume you're not some manipulative dickhead who's holding her emotions hostage in a self-absorbing display of egoism. If you are then there's your problem, but I know you're not that. Perhaps you may get this impression because you see yourself in such a negative light and her in such a positive one that you simply cannot fathom why anyone like her would ever love you if not because they were being held against their will, but odds are that this is wrong and you're being paranoid. Point is: if she didn't reciprocate some form of affection, she wouldn't be your girlfriend now would she? She's capable of making her own decisions and acting upon them. If she's still by your side then odds are she considers you at the very least "good enough".

That's a step above complete lack of self-esteem now isn't it?

Ah but you want to be more than just "good enough". The idea of dancing along the line of being the bare minimum to keep the relationship afloat terrifies you. You feel like it could break at any moment. One small little bullshit on a particularly bad day and bang, it's over. This stresses the fuck out of you. You don't want it to be so unstable.

You should begin by coming to face with some truths:
1) Most people consider themselves to be worth less than they actually are
2) You have unlimited access to all the bullshit that you've done wrong, because you lived it
3) You don't have unlimited access to all the bullshit other people have done wrong

Believe it or not, but odds are part of her wonders what makes you think she's good enough for you. Just like you are competing with a million other men that she could be more interested in, she is also competing with a million other women. She could find someone stronger, taller, more confident, more wealthy, more funny, who dresses better, who lives a more interesting life. Likewise she believes you could find someone who's more beautiful, sexier, wittier, ambitious, confident. At least some form of fear is reciprocated because love is essentially the desire of wanting someone else to accept you. This goes both ways.

This should hopefully make you more confident. Confidence goes a long way and I emphasize it here because self-doubt if your enemy. Confidence, even without reason, automatically makes you stronger. Self-doubt, even without reason, makes you weaker. If you let yourself fall into this vicious circle that you should doubt yourself because you're (in your mind) undesirable, this in turn makes you appear even weaker and thus less desirable. This is why you feel like being nervous is a rational reaction when it isn't. You look at all the ways you're sabotaging yourself without being conscious that the source of this sabotage is precisely your self-doubt.

Ruminate long and hard on these points and eventually you will see that you will have few reasons to be nervous and see that all and any problems will be nothing more than obstacles that you can tackle and solve directly, as opposed of feeling as if they are insurmountable by nature.

You will also come to realize that breaking up with her (and thus causing misery for the two of you) instead of working to improve your situation is idiotic. It's understandable that you feel that way, you love her and want what is best for her above what is best for you, but that doesn't make it any less stupid.

I failed a handshake so bad last week I can't get it out of my mind :(

end it all, there's no coming back from that low