If you search back far enough into my history, you can see the parts where I was raised on Highlander and UGC values, when I would try to preach to an also equally as catered-to TF2 crowd about "play fair, play nice" values in order to try and recruit new players into competitive. I thought a majority of people here were volatile. I thought TFTV was a perfect example of self-fulfilling prophecy where idiots complained about why they weren't getting any love and attention from Valve and then they notice people shitting on their casual playerbase. I thought Invite players trying to preach to "get over it" were full of themselves and were too far up top to realize what they were saying was incredibly damaging to the newer audience.

I remember teaching to new people, other than my low-level game knowledge, that you should avoid TFTV or 6v6 elitists who told you that you were unable to play whatever you wanted because fuck it, play what you want. That if there was shittalk on your team or something that was making you uncomfortable with a teammate, you needed to talk about it and if they didn't comply to what you said, you needed to cut them to teach them it wasn't acceptable in your team. Or if you thought it was unchangeable, you needed to leave because if Valve never noticed competitive TF2 because of toxicity, that was entirely their fault, not Valve's. I thought a handful of 6v6 people were ungrateful, obnoxious, and sometimes insensitive, before I wondered if it was overly sensitive because of their inferiority complex at how much they never got attention. And in my mind I thought "ha, and they wonder why" and laughed at their hubris.

Then after volunteering for TFTV and being sponsored to LANs I learned about esports - and I gave up.

Anybody who has played with me recently knows my flaws and can tell you my flaws. Anybody who played with me back in the day also knows my flaws. They also probably know my fear. I didn't have thick enough skin, I've been too afraid to play again, even lobbies and pugs that don't matter. I hated being screamed at by PUG-star pockets if I took the beam off them for one second. I hated people in lobbies being aidslords who asked me how long I idled on a server for my Medigun points. Out of all my drops, my bad movement, my inability to learn from my mistakes, the worst thing I did in regards to playing the game was that I gave up.

In my head, I just didn't want to justify that behaviour or enable it to continue happening. In my hands, I didn't want to justify putting in time and effort to a grind where I had to go through that again. In my soul, I knew as a player I had lost long-term. There are people who got over it, ignored it, even indulged in it, and then put in the grind for days upon days and made their way to the top. Ondkaja told me that if you tilt, you deserve to lose, and you will be stronger if you can come out of it. Nursey taught me that you can literally go through hell on Earth, and still get to the top if you really wanted to get there. I didn't strive for stronger or the top, I didn't even strive for better. I tilted, I wasn't as committed as I thought. I gave up. As much as I want to go back and prove people wrong, or stick with "I love this game mode and I want to play again", it's not for me.

I get self-conscious now when people are surprised when I said I've played, or if they notice me in a pickup or lobby if I decide to surface to practice again. Fuck posting this alone is like I'm so afraid I'm just going to be judged for this negatively. As much as I enjoy playing the game mode that taught me competitive and made me want to stay involved even if I couldn't play it - I'm not cut out for it. I didn't grow a thick skin, but I didn't grow as a player either. But I know better people than me who have seen more in this community and have told people here to fuck off for less.

But where do we draw the line when it's all built on volunteers?

I've watched volunteers go through questioning the "teach if you can't play" attitude, and questions their self-worth by asking "if I'm not good at the game, does that mean I deserve to contribute to the competitive TF2 scene". Writers, casters, video editors, artists, who have played and might still play. Maybe they aren't cut out for it as much as their other calling. I see players who have also contributed stop or not focus as much on volunteering in order to focus on getting to the top - Stark and AMS, who did things like frag videos, casting, mapping, are people I can think of who dedicated a lot to their game.

But I used to get anonymous messages telling me I was doing more harm than good for competitive TF2 in my early days of trying to market it to the newbies and casuals, and I needed to stop. Volunteers have left or have refused to keep helping competitive TF2 growth because some of the top players' attitudes or egos are no longer justifiable to support the effort it takes to constantly keep trying to keep everything together. The few committed sponsors we left have made it clear they are dissatisfied with bad sportsmanship. And yet we're still here supporting a game where a consistent second place top 6v6 team is infamous for a shit-binding, shit-talking player who loves putting people on tilt. That's probably a constant x10 in other top scenes, though.

After checking out CS:GO and Overwatch's communities and what it's like up there and down in the vast wider range of it all, having to deal with more casual-sided people who argued they hate blanket nerfs and buffs that their game's competitive community forces upon the players and how esports is ruining how games are being balanced or build, or how vapid and toxic other games' communities are or how some extremists of video games push "you need to play video games for FUN, not sport" - I wonder about toxicity's grey side a lot more. Wonder what falls under "it's for the sport, don't kill the sport" versus "it's just abusive language, deal with it".

I tried to avoid spoilers until today but holy fuck it was impossible, all y'all being upset about it made me terrified of watching this shit and when I did I felt the cringe just as much as the next person who wasn't down for this was, and I was down for it since the moment I realized Ashi was going to be a love interest

then I slept on it, woke up, realized it was satire, realized somebody's going to fucking die or tragic romance fuck, and I was okay with it like shit dude this is like shipping makorra all over again