In 618 words you have 54 commas, and in 26 total sentences you have 21 that contain at least one comma. That's way too much. They butcher the fuck out of your writing and make it difficult to follow. You need to both cut the commas that don't need to be there and rework sentences that don't need them, because you shouldn't end up with anywhere near that many commas.
And since you added the prompt, you seem to be a bit off topic with it. You need to make it clear first off how you're going to answer the prompt. Make it directly clear what the community you're talking about is first off (in a tasteful way, but make sure they know right off the bat). Keep descriptions of your community and your involvement sane--they should be related and avoid meaningless descriptors that aren't involved with anything else. You were sorta doing that but the link between what your community is and what you did felt forced, not to mention a bit rude to other people (you don't want to look like an asshole, you accomplishments should speak for themselves without having to put anyone else down).
and with intelligence in our DNA.
I want to nitpick this because you really shouldn't send this. It just seems jerkish/arrogant (and having this right after saying "caucasian" doesn't help much, just sounds like psuedo-neo-nazi shit then). Idk if this was added in as a little joke thing but if it could be interpreted the wrong way, it will be, and it's hard to interpret it in a good way too. I'm 99% sure when it says intellectual heritage, it's referring more to how your thinking got influenced through your life, and not some genetic/racial superiority.
e: ninja'd with the upbringing, but the 'most other people wasted their lives and did nothing while I was a select few who did something' is another thing to look at too.