Rated 13+

The way you're writing shows how old you are. Sorry.

I get the kind of writing style you were going for, maybe a David Foster Wallace-esque way of describing settings and emotions with no dialogue? I don't know, but the way you wrote it seems like you just used a thesaurus on every other word. Don't write like that.

You don't need fancy words to make a good piece of writing. Look at this story by Heiko Julien: http://thoughtcatalog.com/2013/sex-is-real-and-it-affects-the-future/

Notice how he describes the settings, emotions, and everything else without using insanely complex words.

Moving past your word usage, the entire styling of the story is kind of...unnecessary?

Not unnecessary in a sense, but the writing style does NOT fit at all. The way Heiko writes in his story works because, in the story, he is high off of cough syrup and goes to a mall. Writing in a jumbled, stream-of-consciousness manner works in that story because he can't even think straight.

You, on the other hand, are writing about going to a LAN. You don't need to write like this. You can, and I think you could pull it off, but judging from what I just read, I think you need to try a lot harder.

Try rewriting it, and instead of using needlessly complex words, try using words that are simple but flow with all the other words. That's the key to writing a good piece in the style you're going for.

edit: http://www.writing.com/main/view_item/item_id/1929199-LAN-The-Experience

Oh, god. What happened?

Hey now, this kind of barbed feedback is how people drop their pencils and never pick them up again. If tutoring English has taught me anything, it's that self-esteem is much harder to fix than grammar, spelling, or style.

This is poking me the wrong way now because I finished an essay clinic with a student whose English vocabulary could have very well consisted of her first name and the phrase "I can't." Just ease up a bit.

He was asking for raw criticism; SBARROHOTTOPIC was responding as he asked.

TJB, don't take criticism personally, take it with the goal of getting better. The fact that SBARROHOTTOPIC gave very solid criticism means that your work has merit and potential.

It's got nothing to do with that. I got what I needed, and I'm not someone that like to leave stuff lying around that people can pick up several days/weeks/months later. I posted, I got, I left.

it would have been good if it about some gay ass nature mountain shit and not going to a lan to play video games.

SBARROHOTTOPIC has actually given some really solid constructive criticism here. It's a very good way to consider how to change your writing style to suit the occasion.