Although I post very rarely, tonight I wanted to type out something to help myself relax a little bit. Talking about different things, whether it be my past or current state generally help me to calm and fall asleep.
Specifically though, I'm going to share a big part of my life story, with the events that have led me to developing myself as a person today.
I'll start with as far back as I can remember with my parents, around the age of 5~6. Although only snippets of memories remain from this time, I still remember a few things. Growing up, my family has had its fair share of issues, same as any other family might have. My father lived in another state at the time, separate from my mother and myself along with 5 or 6 of my siblings. He was doing school as well as starting up a business to support our family. However, because of the time commitment and distance that my father had between my family, things had trouble functioning properly.
My mother is blind, and has had a history of dealing with a few different mental illness's, although she is currently doing well and working hard to overcome them. With this burden she had during that time being mostly a single parent alone, it was difficult for her to cope with things. As her state deteriorated over time, the effects became apparent as she took out her frustrations on the people around her. She had anger problems as well as emotional, which led to her being very unpredictable and volatile. As a young child, and up into my teenage years I didn't truly understand this. I thought my family was "normal" in the sense that we functioned the same as most families did. I wouldn't realize the difference until Jr. high.
Back to my mother. As I said earlier, she took out her frustrations on the people around her. Unfortunately, that meant myself along with my siblings. During the time separated from our father, my mother was abusive physically and mentally, using different methods of punishing us when she was upset. This ranged from beating us in different ways, humiliating us through mocking and screaming, to locking us in rooms for almost entire days alone. The relationship I had with my mother at this time was mostly of fear, due to not wanting to endure the wrath that she would have upon us. I did not realize what she was doing was wrong, however, as she kept us almost entirely at home except for the essential things like school, grocery shopping, etc. Along with this came times where police had come to visit our home, due to the conditions people would see us in as we traversed in public. This also only led to a fear of policemen as well as government officials, as I believed they would take me away from the people I loved and cared about.
Around the age of 10, my family moved to the state that my father worked in, and we lived together in the same house. At the time, I thought it was the most wonderful thing to have, seeing as my entire family was living together again. I had rarely seen my father in times before, so I was very excited and optimistic towards the future. This didn't happen though, and things within my family only worsened. My mother not only continued just as she had before with her abuse, but also would constantly fight with my father. Along with this, my father ignored all the abuse that my older sisters tried to talk to him about, and only assured them that my mother loved us. The fights that my parents had would concern neighbors who called authorities. Police visited our house several times along with Child Protective Services to break up fights and check on the welfare of myself and my siblings. But I still didn't trust anyone outside of my family, and lied constantly to them so I wouldn't be taken away.
Because the move caused me to be "home-schooled - We had not had schooling for 3 years" during 2-4th grade, I actually missed out on all schooling during those years. By a miracle, myself and my two older sisters took placement tests and made it into the proper grades when we returned to school. (I went straight into 5th grade from 1st) I will never know how we managed to do so, but I will always be thankful for this. School was alright, but it began to unravel something I had never seen before, and made me question how my family functioned. After making a friend and actually socializing with people, I saw something that left me almost shocked. I had a sleepover with my friend, and was absolutely astonished to see that his parents didn't yell at each other all the time. The mother didn't constantly explode in fits of anger, and didn't punish the children in ways that my mother did. This left me confused for a time, up until 9th grade when my family deteriorated and fell apart.
Despite the past several years of abuse, fear, confusion, etc. that I had, I still had faith with my family. This changed when my mother finally snapped completely and did something that has scarred my family. All of my younger siblings (I had 8 at the time) were kidnapped by her on a Sunday, and taken away in a pickup truck without us knowing. We realized something was wrong that day, but didn't know where they all went for a few days. My mother finally called my dad and revealed what she had done, and where she was. She had taken my siblings and hid in another state, and was not going to come back. My dad got involved with several different organizations at this point, including police, CPS, and a personal investigator. They were all working to bring home my family and to prevent my mother from doing something to harm my siblings. Again, my mom changed location after promising to return, coming back to our own state and hiding an hour away form us, before revealing she had split up my siblings and sent them all into different illegal foster homes so we would never see them again. Her eventual plan was to ship them all out of America, so that we would have no chance of possibly recovering them. However, by another miracle, she turned up in a court that my father had summoned her with, and won full custody of my siblings due to her being completely mentally unstable. This allowed us to bring home all of my siblings, after about a 6-7 month period of not seeing them.
Since this time, my entire family has been working to recover. My mother, father, and most of my siblings so far have been to counseling to work out all the things we have struggled with due to the years of struggle. I forgave my mom about 2 years ago, and am helping her with my siblings. My dad is much much more involved in my family and apologized for everything that happened. Both my parents understood their mistakes, and the impact it had on my family. All of us are working our best to help each other and fix what has been hurt of lost. It's been a few years since the incident, and there are still many holes that are apparent.
For myself personally, I have struggled with a bit of depression, hiding my emotions, not building relationships with others at all, and shutting myself into a bubble that turns all blame for situations upon myself. I've been going through some therapy to work through these problems, and so far am doing well. As the oldest boy in my family, I also am a huge support for all my sisters and younger siblings. They usually prefer to talk to me first, rather than either of my parents. I'm here as a person they can trust to understand and love them no matter the situation they're in. Despite my family's issues, I love all of them dearly and wouldn't trade them for anyone else.
This was a very rough outline of some of my life, but I wanted to write tonight to help relieve some of the anxiety on my heart. Sometimes I just start panicking and have trouble calming down without talking to someone. Writing is a good way to do that. Thanks everyone.
Although I post very rarely, tonight I wanted to type out something to help myself relax a little bit. Talking about different things, whether it be my past or current state generally help me to calm and fall asleep.
Specifically though, I'm going to share a big part of my life story, with the events that have led me to developing myself as a person today.
I'll start with as far back as I can remember with my parents, around the age of 5~6. Although only snippets of memories remain from this time, I still remember a few things. Growing up, my family has had its fair share of issues, same as any other family might have. My father lived in another state at the time, separate from my mother and myself along with 5 or 6 of my siblings. He was doing school as well as starting up a business to support our family. However, because of the time commitment and distance that my father had between my family, things had trouble functioning properly.
My mother is blind, and has had a history of dealing with a few different mental illness's, although she is currently doing well and working hard to overcome them. With this burden she had during that time being mostly a single parent alone, it was difficult for her to cope with things. As her state deteriorated over time, the effects became apparent as she took out her frustrations on the people around her. She had anger problems as well as emotional, which led to her being very unpredictable and volatile. As a young child, and up into my teenage years I didn't truly understand this. I thought my family was "normal" in the sense that we functioned the same as most families did. I wouldn't realize the difference until Jr. high.
Back to my mother. As I said earlier, she took out her frustrations on the people around her. Unfortunately, that meant myself along with my siblings. During the time separated from our father, my mother was abusive physically and mentally, using different methods of punishing us when she was upset. This ranged from beating us in different ways, humiliating us through mocking and screaming, to locking us in rooms for almost entire days alone. The relationship I had with my mother at this time was mostly of fear, due to not wanting to endure the wrath that she would have upon us. I did not realize what she was doing was wrong, however, as she kept us almost entirely at home except for the essential things like school, grocery shopping, etc. Along with this came times where police had come to visit our home, due to the conditions people would see us in as we traversed in public. This also only led to a fear of policemen as well as government officials, as I believed they would take me away from the people I loved and cared about.
Around the age of 10, my family moved to the state that my father worked in, and we lived together in the same house. At the time, I thought it was the most wonderful thing to have, seeing as my entire family was living together again. I had rarely seen my father in times before, so I was very excited and optimistic towards the future. This didn't happen though, and things within my family only worsened. My mother not only continued just as she had before with her abuse, but also would constantly fight with my father. Along with this, my father ignored all the abuse that my older sisters tried to talk to him about, and only assured them that my mother loved us. The fights that my parents had would concern neighbors who called authorities. Police visited our house several times along with Child Protective Services to break up fights and check on the welfare of myself and my siblings. But I still didn't trust anyone outside of my family, and lied constantly to them so I wouldn't be taken away.
Because the move caused me to be "home-schooled - We had not had schooling for 3 years" during 2-4th grade, I actually missed out on all schooling during those years. By a miracle, myself and my two older sisters took placement tests and made it into the proper grades when we returned to school. (I went straight into 5th grade from 1st) I will never know how we managed to do so, but I will always be thankful for this. School was alright, but it began to unravel something I had never seen before, and made me question how my family functioned. After making a friend and actually socializing with people, I saw something that left me almost shocked. I had a sleepover with my friend, and was absolutely astonished to see that his parents didn't yell at each other all the time. The mother didn't constantly explode in fits of anger, and didn't punish the children in ways that my mother did. This left me confused for a time, up until 9th grade when my family deteriorated and fell apart.
Despite the past several years of abuse, fear, confusion, etc. that I had, I still had faith with my family. This changed when my mother finally snapped completely and did something that has scarred my family. All of my younger siblings (I had 8 at the time) were kidnapped by her on a Sunday, and taken away in a pickup truck without us knowing. We realized something was wrong that day, but didn't know where they all went for a few days. My mother finally called my dad and revealed what she had done, and where she was. She had taken my siblings and hid in another state, and was not going to come back. My dad got involved with several different organizations at this point, including police, CPS, and a personal investigator. They were all working to bring home my family and to prevent my mother from doing something to harm my siblings. Again, my mom changed location after promising to return, coming back to our own state and hiding an hour away form us, before revealing she had split up my siblings and sent them all into different illegal foster homes so we would never see them again. Her eventual plan was to ship them all out of America, so that we would have no chance of possibly recovering them. However, by another miracle, she turned up in a court that my father had summoned her with, and won full custody of my siblings due to her being completely mentally unstable. This allowed us to bring home all of my siblings, after about a 6-7 month period of not seeing them.
Since this time, my entire family has been working to recover. My mother, father, and most of my siblings so far have been to counseling to work out all the things we have struggled with due to the years of struggle. I forgave my mom about 2 years ago, and am helping her with my siblings. My dad is much much more involved in my family and apologized for everything that happened. Both my parents understood their mistakes, and the impact it had on my family. All of us are working our best to help each other and fix what has been hurt of lost. It's been a few years since the incident, and there are still many holes that are apparent.
For myself personally, I have struggled with a bit of depression, hiding my emotions, not building relationships with others at all, and shutting myself into a bubble that turns all blame for situations upon myself. I've been going through some therapy to work through these problems, and so far am doing well. As the oldest boy in my family, I also am a huge support for all my sisters and younger siblings. They usually prefer to talk to me first, rather than either of my parents. I'm here as a person they can trust to understand and love them no matter the situation they're in. Despite my family's issues, I love all of them dearly and wouldn't trade them for anyone else.
This was a very rough outline of some of my life, but I wanted to write tonight to help relieve some of the anxiety on my heart. Sometimes I just start panicking and have trouble calming down without talking to someone. Writing is a good way to do that. Thanks everyone.
Not telling the girl that I love her even after 3 years
Not telling the girl that I love her even after 3 years
My dog of 10 years suddenly got sick a few weekends ago, so I took him into the vet. He underwent surgery and later that night I got a call from the vet that he apparently had been very sick for awhile and was experiencing complications from surgery. When I rushed to the vet to see him, he took all his strength and laboriously stood up one last time to see me, then laid back down and went into organ failure and he was put down while he was in my arms. That was by far the saddest moment of my young life.
My dog of 10 years suddenly got sick a few weekends ago, so I took him into the vet. He underwent surgery and later that night I got a call from the vet that he apparently had been very sick for awhile and was experiencing complications from surgery. When I rushed to the vet to see him, he took all his strength and laboriously stood up one last time to see me, then laid back down and went into organ failure and he was put down while he was in my arms. That was by far the saddest moment of my young life.
When I was 12 I spent most of my summer at my aunt and uncle's farm to do some work around the place and make a bit of money. My mom didn't want me being driven with my aunt because she had suffered from brain cancer years ago and sometimes has zone-outs for around 15 seconds where she would lose focus and rock back and forth. She takes medication for it and is allowed to drive just fine.
One day she asks me if I could go with her to to some nearby town to pick up some groceries. At that point I'd already been driven places by her several times and I just wanted to get out of the house, so I decided to go. Unfortunately I made the horrible mistake of not asking her if she took her medication before she left (which she didn't). While we're on the road she starts talking to me about her ex husband who was an overall awful person who beat her frequently and was definately a big contribution to why she started developing brain tumors. She generally zones out when she's in a state of fear, which I hadn't realized at this point. After she finished the story, the car was silent for a bit and I'm looking out the window until I begin to hear moaning. I turn around and she was zoning out. I suddenly became scared as fuck and had a bit of a panic attack. I had no idea what the best thing to do was in this kind of situation so I just tapped her really hard on the shoulder. She quickly came back and looked back on me, then let her focus back on the road, and then it was just like nothing had happened. I was still freaked out inside, realized how close my aunt and I were to getting killed, and didn't get much sleep that night. Never told my uncle or my mom about it and still wonder wether or not I should have.
When I was 12 I spent most of my summer at my aunt and uncle's farm to do some work around the place and make a bit of money. My mom didn't want me being driven with my aunt because she had suffered from brain cancer years ago and sometimes has zone-outs for around 15 seconds where she would lose focus and rock back and forth. She takes medication for it and is allowed to drive just fine.
One day she asks me if I could go with her to to some nearby town to pick up some groceries. At that point I'd already been driven places by her several times and I just wanted to get out of the house, so I decided to go. Unfortunately I made the horrible mistake of not asking her if she took her medication before she left (which she didn't). While we're on the road she starts talking to me about her ex husband who was an overall awful person who beat her frequently and was definately a big contribution to why she started developing brain tumors. She generally zones out when she's in a state of fear, which I hadn't realized at this point. After she finished the story, the car was silent for a bit and I'm looking out the window until I begin to hear moaning. I turn around and she was zoning out. I suddenly became scared as fuck and had a bit of a panic attack. I had no idea what the best thing to do was in this kind of situation so I just tapped her really hard on the shoulder. She quickly came back and looked back on me, then let her focus back on the road, and then it was just like nothing had happened. I was still freaked out inside, realized how close my aunt and I were to getting killed, and didn't get much sleep that night. Never told my uncle or my mom about it and still wonder wether or not I should have.
Seeing my mom crying before going into galbladder surgery
Seeing my mom crying before going into galbladder surgery
Linkuser ...After making a friend and actually socializing with people, I saw something that left me almost shocked. I had a sleepover with my friend, and was absolutely astonished to see that his parents didn't yell at each other all the time...
Glad to see that everyone is trying to make things better, i wish my family was that self aware.
I've felt the same way many times before too
[quote=Linkuser] ...After making a friend and actually socializing with people, I saw something that left me almost shocked. I had a sleepover with my friend, and was absolutely astonished to see that his parents didn't yell at each other all the time...[/quote]
Glad to see that everyone is trying to make things better, i wish my family was that self aware.
I've felt the same way many times before too
taggGlad to see that everyone is trying to make things better, i wish my family was that self aware.
I've felt the same way many times before too
I really hope your family is able to work through these issues someday then, and I empathize with how difficult it can be. I was fortunate enough to have my parents admit and address the issues, although it takes a lot of work and time to change. You're a really cool guy tagg. As hard as it is, don't let it completely envelop and affect your life. I wish you the best man.
[quote=tagg]
Glad to see that everyone is trying to make things better, i wish my family was that self aware.
I've felt the same way many times before too
[/quote]
I really hope your family is able to work through these issues someday then, and I empathize with how difficult it can be. I was fortunate enough to have my parents admit and address the issues, although it takes a lot of work and time to change. You're a really cool guy tagg. As hard as it is, don't let it completely envelop and affect your life. I wish you the best man.
Losing the girl then losing a brother to a hit and run a week and a half later. I completely shutdown after that. I still feeling nothing towards anyone except one or two people. I've never felt more cold than when my sister came into my room to tell me my brother had been hit and killed the night before. She came into my room with her face covered in tears telling me that my step-brother who was basically hero to my sister and I growing up was hit i felt absolutely nothing and I just said "ok" and then went on doing whatever it was I was doing. I never called my step-mother who was basically my mother growing up to check on her and see how she was doing. I didn't go the funeral either. I'm not sure if this makes me a bad person or not. I dont feel a single thing towards my family even now as im typing this out. I don't mind saying that I don't care that it happened either. I am however sure that someday down the line that I will regret not going to the funeral and not checking in on my family after that. But currently I just dont care even though its all still fresh having happened just early last month. Am I a bad person for being a cold individual and not caring about others anymore?
Losing the girl then losing a brother to a hit and run a week and a half later. I completely shutdown after that. I still feeling nothing towards anyone except one or two people. I've never felt more cold than when my sister came into my room to tell me my brother had been hit and killed the night before. She came into my room with her face covered in tears telling me that my step-brother who was basically hero to my sister and I growing up was hit i felt absolutely nothing and I just said "ok" and then went on doing whatever it was I was doing. I never called my step-mother who was basically my mother growing up to check on her and see how she was doing. I didn't go the funeral either. I'm not sure if this makes me a bad person or not. I dont feel a single thing towards my family even now as im typing this out. I don't mind saying that I don't care that it happened either. I am however sure that someday down the line that I will regret not going to the funeral and not checking in on my family after that. But currently I just dont care even though its all still fresh having happened just early last month. Am I a bad person for being a cold individual and not caring about others anymore?
My mom's been sick for a while now. Different doctors diagnosing different diseases so it's hard to know exactly what's wrong with her. The only thing that's constant is that she's slowly getting more sick. The worst I've felt is when she broke down in front of me and told me how afraid she was to die, she sounded like she knew she was getting closer to it. I try to put it out of my mind but it's terrifying, I'm not ready to lose my mom.
My mom's been sick for a while now. Different doctors diagnosing different diseases so it's hard to know exactly what's wrong with her. The only thing that's constant is that she's slowly getting more sick. The worst I've felt is when she broke down in front of me and told me how afraid she was to die, she sounded like she knew she was getting closer to it. I try to put it out of my mind but it's terrifying, I'm not ready to lose my mom.
slinkyI completely shutdown after that. I still feeling nothing towards anyone except one or two people.
Am I a bad person for being a cold individual and not caring about others anymore?
You're not a bad person for reacting this way. The way you reacted was a way for you to try and cope with what was happening. Shutting down and shunning all your emotions as well as other people, rather than addressing them is how different types of people cope. I reacted in a similar way with my family after my mom had snapped. However, after a few years like this I learned it was better not to react this way as it started bubbling to the surface at times despite my efforts stop it. You should try and talk to the people you still care for about how you feel.
[quote=slinky]I completely shutdown after that. I still feeling nothing towards anyone except one or two people.
Am I a bad person for being a cold individual and not caring about others anymore?[/quote]
You're not a bad person for reacting this way. The way you reacted was a way for you to try and cope with what was happening. Shutting down and shunning all your emotions as well as other people, rather than addressing them is how different types of people cope. I reacted in a similar way with my family after my mom had snapped. However, after a few years like this I learned it was better not to react this way as it started bubbling to the surface at times despite my efforts stop it. You should try and talk to the people you still care for about how you feel.
LinkuserslinkyI completely shutdown after that. I still feeling nothing towards anyone except one or two people.
Am I a bad person for being a cold individual and not caring about others anymore?
You're not a bad person for reacting this way. The way you reacted was a way for you to try and cope with what was happening. Shutting down and shunning all your emotions as well as other people, rather than addressing them is how different types of people cope. I reacted in a similar way with my family after my mom had snapped. However, after a few years like this I learned it was better not to react this way as it started bubbling to the surface at times despite my efforts stop it. You should try and talk to the people you still care for about how you feel.
Yeah I get what you're saying and I'd guess for most people it is just a way to cope but with me I had always been a numb person. Back then I wasnt as cold as I am now, like back then if a friend or family member passed away or something I felt kind of bad that that person was gone but it still didnt ruin my day like it did everyone else's. Back then I knew I should feel bad and that made me feel a bit bad for knowing I should feel a certain way. But now I know I should feel bad but I just dont care. It's almost as if I kind of like it a bit. And as far as those two people I still care about I know that one of them I care about just out of habit. Also I was never someone who talked about my feelings, I never cried and I never felt sad about a lot of things, and now I just seem to be reverting back that my old self but a colder and more numb version of my old self. But is it weird that I'm kind of glad that something like that is happening?
[quote=Linkuser][quote=slinky]I completely shutdown after that. I still feeling nothing towards anyone except one or two people.
Am I a bad person for being a cold individual and not caring about others anymore?[/quote]
You're not a bad person for reacting this way. The way you reacted was a way for you to try and cope with what was happening. Shutting down and shunning all your emotions as well as other people, rather than addressing them is how different types of people cope. I reacted in a similar way with my family after my mom had snapped. However, after a few years like this I learned it was better not to react this way as it started bubbling to the surface at times despite my efforts stop it. You should try and talk to the people you still care for about how you feel.[/quote]
Yeah I get what you're saying and I'd guess for most people it is just a way to cope but with me I had always been a numb person. Back then I wasnt as cold as I am now, like back then if a friend or family member passed away or something I felt kind of bad that that person was gone but it still didnt ruin my day like it did everyone else's. Back then I knew I should feel bad and that made me feel a bit bad for knowing I should feel a certain way. But now I know I should feel bad but I just dont care. It's almost as if I kind of like it a bit. And as far as those two people I still care about I know that one of them I care about just out of habit. Also I was never someone who talked about my feelings, I never cried and I never felt sad about a lot of things, and now I just seem to be reverting back that my old self but a colder and more numb version of my old self. But is it weird that I'm kind of glad that something like that is happening?
dang at first i was going to post something clowny as usual but seeing some of these responses would only make that inappropriate of me. my mom had pancreatic cancer throughout most of my high school years and i had to stay home and take care of her. chemotherapy isn't a pleasant sight to see someone endure that. i slowly watched her waste away before my very eyes. by my junior year of high school, i was more or less living on my own when she had to move to hawaii to seek better treatment. i ended up missing quite a bit of school to go visit her. she then ended up passing away and i had to bury her on her native island of chuuk on my 17th bday. fuck cancer.
dang at first i was going to post something clowny as usual but seeing some of these responses would only make that inappropriate of me. my mom had pancreatic cancer throughout most of my high school years and i had to stay home and take care of her. chemotherapy isn't a pleasant sight to see someone endure that. i slowly watched her waste away before my very eyes. by my junior year of high school, i was more or less living on my own when she had to move to hawaii to seek better treatment. i ended up missing quite a bit of school to go visit her. she then ended up passing away and i had to bury her on her native island of chuuk on my 17th bday. fuck cancer.
slinky But is it weird that I'm kind of glad that something like that is happening?
I don't really know the answer to that question. I think that's something you'll have to figure out yourself or with help from someone that understands the mind or how people function. I wish you the best though.
[quote=slinky] But is it weird that I'm kind of glad that something like that is happening?[/quote]
I don't really know the answer to that question. I think that's something you'll have to figure out yourself or with help from someone that understands the mind or how people function. I wish you the best though.
Today a huge weight was lifted off of my chest. One of the biggest burdens I've ever dealt with is being handled.
Shortly before GXL last year, I came forward with the confession of sexual abuse that had happened to me when I was younger. Shortly after, I went through a few different police interviews to help them fully understand what had happened. Unfortunately, this led to the discovery of multiple other victims and caused the case to grow.
Fortunately, however, today the arrest was finally made. Charges have been filed and a massive amount of relief is sitting in my chest. I'm also dealing with a lot of emotions with my family, but I'm glad this has finally begun to resolve.
I'm not sure if I'll have to appear in court still, but I'm hopeful for the future. Here's the article for what has happened so far. http://m.henryherald.com/news/2015/jul/24/former-commission-vice-chairman-gary-freedman/
A lot of my anxiety problems have stemmed from this, so I apologize to any of my friends or teammates in the past if I've let any of that affect you. Thanks for all the support from people I have talked to about this.
I wanted to write a short message here to help relieve some of the pressure I have right now. Tf2 has been an outlet for me to handle some of the anxiety and stress that I've had, so thank you comp tf2 for helping me with that.
Today a huge weight was lifted off of my chest. One of the biggest burdens I've ever dealt with is being handled.
Shortly before GXL last year, I came forward with the confession of sexual abuse that had happened to me when I was younger. Shortly after, I went through a few different police interviews to help them fully understand what had happened. Unfortunately, this led to the discovery of multiple other victims and caused the case to grow.
Fortunately, however, today the arrest was finally made. Charges have been filed and a massive amount of relief is sitting in my chest. I'm also dealing with a lot of emotions with my family, but I'm glad this has finally begun to resolve.
I'm not sure if I'll have to appear in court still, but I'm hopeful for the future. Here's the article for what has happened so far. http://m.henryherald.com/news/2015/jul/24/former-commission-vice-chairman-gary-freedman/
A lot of my anxiety problems have stemmed from this, so I apologize to any of my friends or teammates in the past if I've let any of that affect you. Thanks for all the support from people I have talked to about this.
I wanted to write a short message here to help relieve some of the pressure I have right now. Tf2 has been an outlet for me to handle some of the anxiety and stress that I've had, so thank you comp tf2 for helping me with that.
LinkuserToday a huge weight was lifted off of my chest. One of the biggest burdens I've ever dealt with is being handled.
Shortly before GXL last year, I came forward with the confession of sexual abuse that had happened to me when I was younger. Shortly after, I went through a few different police interviews to help them fully understand what had happened. Unfortunately, this led to the discovery of multiple other victims and caused the case to grow.
Fortunately, however, today the arrest was finally made. Charges have been filed and a massive amount of relief is sitting in my chest. I'm also dealing with a lot of emotions with my family, but I'm glad this has finally begun to resolve.
I'm not sure if I'll have to appear in court still, but I'm hopeful for the future. Here's the article for what has happened so far. http://m.henryherald.com/news/2015/jul/24/former-commission-vice-chairman-gary-freedman/
A lot of my anxiety problems have stemmed from this, so I apologize to any of my friends or teammates in the past if I've let any of that affect you. Thanks for all the support from people I have talked to about this.
I wanted to write a short message here to help relieve some of the pressure I have right now. Tf2 has been an outlet for me to handle some of the anxiety and stress that I've had, so thank you comp tf2 for helping me with that.
Wow.
I am very happy to hear that this weight has been lifted. I am sorry to hear of the anguish to this point.
One day at a time!
[quote=Linkuser]Today a huge weight was lifted off of my chest. One of the biggest burdens I've ever dealt with is being handled.
Shortly before GXL last year, I came forward with the confession of sexual abuse that had happened to me when I was younger. Shortly after, I went through a few different police interviews to help them fully understand what had happened. Unfortunately, this led to the discovery of multiple other victims and caused the case to grow.
Fortunately, however, today the arrest was finally made. Charges have been filed and a massive amount of relief is sitting in my chest. I'm also dealing with a lot of emotions with my family, but I'm glad this has finally begun to resolve.
I'm not sure if I'll have to appear in court still, but I'm hopeful for the future. Here's the article for what has happened so far. http://m.henryherald.com/news/2015/jul/24/former-commission-vice-chairman-gary-freedman/
A lot of my anxiety problems have stemmed from this, so I apologize to any of my friends or teammates in the past if I've let any of that affect you. Thanks for all the support from people I have talked to about this.
I wanted to write a short message here to help relieve some of the pressure I have right now. Tf2 has been an outlet for me to handle some of the anxiety and stress that I've had, so thank you comp tf2 for helping me with that.[/quote]
Wow.
I am very happy to hear that this weight has been lifted. I am sorry to hear of the anguish to this point.
One day at a time!
I really wasn't sure if I should post in here, since my emotional qualms aren't very intense, but I figured I'd do so regardless.
I'm an illustrator. My mother is also an artist. Growing up, I always tried to impress her, and she always responded with rude criticism, rarely was it constructive. Even now, I'll show her some of my polished work for a company, and she'll tell me what she hates about it. Never constructive. I honestly don't think she has ever praised me for any of my accomplishments, either. It's a real downer when you pour your heart and soul into something, whether it be artwork or another form of work, just to have it go either un-noticed or downright hated by someone you respect.
This has affected me in an interesting way, I think, because I feel that I'm nearly always searching for some form of praise from others now. I'd love to hear from someone that they're proud of me.
I also refuse to take compliments. I don't believe anyone actually thinks I do well in things, and that they compliment me based off of pity. I think this all stems from how my mom treated me.
TF2 has been... kind of a mess of sorts. I like this game because I can very easily see my own improvement. However, when I got into competitive, my first few seasons were very degrading for me. My teammates often talked down to me and verbally abused me, telling me that I didn't deserve to talk during scrims, and berated me for topscoring. Weekly, they would try out a new player to replace me (I played Medic at the time). They would go into a lobby and teamstack against me with their tryout on their team, and I had to Medic for the random lobbygoer team. If the new guy scored higher than me, I was out. I never got replaced. However, it was very stressful, and I thought it was the norm. I would pour all of my energy into learning strategies, listening to players in higher divisions talk about their games, and working to improve my own game. It was very upsetting for me to do all of this, just to have my teams tell me to shut up and try to replace me.
Sorry for the tangent, there... It's just weird to play on teams now where that sort of attitude doesn't exist. I had no idea that there were teams and people out there who were actually supportive and nice. I'm still shocked by it from time to time. I feel absolutely lucky to be able to play with my current teammates. I wish I could express my appreciation better, for they deserve the utmost praise.
However, It's gotten to the point where I have very little confidence in myself as a player. It's really sad for me, because I think that maybe I could be decent if I weren't so hard on myself. I'm currently working to try to overcome this, and it's very difficult for me. TF2 means a lot to me, and I hope that someday I can reach my goals in it.
I really wasn't sure if I should post in here, since my emotional qualms aren't very intense, but I figured I'd do so regardless.
I'm an illustrator. My mother is also an artist. Growing up, I always tried to impress her, and she always responded with rude criticism, rarely was it constructive. Even now, I'll show her some of my polished work for a company, and she'll tell me what she hates about it. Never constructive. I honestly don't think she has ever praised me for any of my accomplishments, either. It's a real downer when you pour your heart and soul into something, whether it be artwork or another form of work, just to have it go either un-noticed or downright hated by someone you respect.
This has affected me in an interesting way, I think, because I feel that I'm nearly always searching for some form of praise from others now. I'd love to hear from someone that they're proud of me.
I also refuse to take compliments. I don't believe anyone actually thinks I do well in things, and that they compliment me based off of pity. I think this all stems from how my mom treated me.
TF2 has been... kind of a mess of sorts. I like this game because I can very easily see my own improvement. However, when I got into competitive, my first few seasons were very degrading for me. My teammates often talked down to me and verbally abused me, telling me that I didn't deserve to talk during scrims, and berated me for topscoring. Weekly, they would try out a new player to replace me (I played Medic at the time). They would go into a lobby and teamstack against me with their tryout on their team, and I had to Medic for the random lobbygoer team. If the new guy scored higher than me, I was out. I never got replaced. However, it was very stressful, and I thought it was the norm. I would pour all of my energy into learning strategies, listening to players in higher divisions talk about their games, and working to improve my own game. It was very upsetting for me to do all of this, just to have my teams tell me to shut up and try to replace me.
Sorry for the tangent, there... It's just weird to play on teams now where that sort of attitude doesn't exist. I had no idea that there were teams and people out there who were actually supportive and nice. I'm still shocked by it from time to time. I feel absolutely lucky to be able to play with my current teammates. I wish I could express my appreciation better, for they deserve the utmost praise.
However, It's gotten to the point where I have very little confidence in myself as a player. It's really sad for me, because I think that maybe I could be decent if I weren't so hard on myself. I'm currently working to try to overcome this, and it's very difficult for me. TF2 means a lot to me, and I hope that someday I can reach my goals in it.
I had cancer in 2007. Testicular cancer. I literally got the news when I was on vacation in Disney World. I had to go through chemotherapy and that was a nightmare. But the emotional stuff fucks you up harder than any physical stuff. Like, they told me I would likely be sterile so I had to freeze my sperm, as a single 22-year-old guy. What a low place I was in.
And my brother died in 2010 at the age of 19. He had a heart transplant about 10 years prior. Losing my brother was such a hard experience, that it made cancer seem like a joke. As anyone who has lost a family member knows, it's that type of sadness that just evolves with every passing year.
I've had a lot of heartbreak with women too like any other guy, and my dad is also shit, but those are the two big ones.
I had cancer in 2007. Testicular cancer. I literally got the news when I was on vacation in Disney World. I had to go through chemotherapy and that was a nightmare. But the emotional stuff fucks you up harder than any physical stuff. Like, they told me I would likely be sterile so I had to freeze my sperm, as a single 22-year-old guy. What a low place I was in.
And my brother died in 2010 at the age of 19. He had a heart transplant about 10 years prior. Losing my brother was such a hard experience, that it made cancer seem like a joke. As anyone who has lost a family member knows, it's that type of sadness that just evolves with every passing year.
I've had a lot of heartbreak with women too like any other guy, and my dad is also shit, but those are the two big ones.
watching my son being born
watching my son being born
My father left the family when I was 4 years old. His salary was small, my mother didn't work - she had to look after me. My father drank away a huge amount of money, often played in casinos, played cards for money. He was a gambling man.
My parents divorced. New home, new friends, a completely new life.
Now I'm 20 years old, and the last time I saw my father was in court, where he was deprived for failure to pay child support. When I went with Mom to the court, we sat next to him and waited for the beginning. After a few minutes, he asked my mother to move away to talk. I didn't know what they were talking about. After the court, I asked my mother, what they were talking about. She replied with his quote "Where is Ritvars? He decided to stay at home?"
Ritvars is my real name. My own father did not recognize me.
Yesterday he died of cancer. I'm crushed. I never lost anyone in my young life.
My father left the family when I was 4 years old. His salary was small, my mother didn't work - she had to look after me. My father drank away a huge amount of money, often played in casinos, played cards for money. He was a gambling man.
My parents divorced. New home, new friends, a completely new life.
Now I'm 20 years old, and the last time I saw my father was in court, where he was deprived for failure to pay child support. When I went with Mom to the court, we sat next to him and waited for the beginning. After a few minutes, he asked my mother to move away to talk. I didn't know what they were talking about. After the court, I asked my mother, what they were talking about. She replied with his quote "Where is Ritvars? He decided to stay at home?"
Ritvars is my real name. My own father did not recognize me.
Yesterday he died of cancer. I'm crushed. I never lost anyone in my young life.
aw man spammy come here i love you :( sorry to hear that, hope you're ok
aw man spammy come here i love you :( sorry to hear that, hope you're ok
reading this thread has made me really sad and grateful that nothing too extreme has happened to me personally (yet) =(
my thoughts are with you guys
reading this thread has made me really sad and grateful that nothing too extreme has happened to me personally (yet) =(
my thoughts are with you guys
Having a mother who I love and respect tell me I'm just like my shitty father.
Having a mother who I love and respect tell me I'm just like my shitty father.
i was off my tits on ecstasy once. it was the balls.
i was off my tits on ecstasy once. it was the balls.
wow you should go post that on erowid man, let the people know
wow you should go post that on erowid man, let the people know
wow, i'd never actually noticed the existence of this thread before.
it's very heartening to read all of the humane reactions of fellow-gamers : ) it's just great to see that a forum for some FPS is able to have a section where people can share their real-life struggles (or otherwise celebrations).
i've dealt with my share of sadness, in my personal life as well as professionally (social work). one thing you quickly learn as a person, is that each day houses a tremendous amount of ugliness; terrible stuff is happening everywhere, all the time.
so.. i do hope that everyone who's experiencing heavy stuff is realizing that he/she is not alone.
i'm already 26, but have been convinced for a while that there's no such thing as getting used to seeing fellow conscious organisms (with respect to our beloved pets) in pain. hence.. i just can not express how cool i think it is to see such sympathetic posts coming out of all of you : )
lastly; there're just too many posts to respond to,
but if anyone ever feels overwhelmed, please know that you can send me a PM about anything. i can't guarantee a fast response, but just sharing your feelings might already lower the weight a bit.
+1 for the compassionate posts, guys!
wow, i'd never actually noticed the existence of this thread before.
it's very heartening to read all of the humane reactions of fellow-gamers : ) it's just great to see that a forum for some FPS is able to have a section where people can share their real-life struggles (or otherwise celebrations).
i've dealt with my share of sadness, in my personal life as well as professionally (social work). one thing you quickly learn as a person, is that each day houses a tremendous amount of ugliness; terrible stuff is happening everywhere, all the time.
so.. i do hope that everyone who's experiencing heavy stuff is realizing that he/she is not alone.
i'm already 26, but have been convinced for a while that there's no such thing as getting used to seeing fellow conscious organisms (with respect to our beloved pets) in pain. hence.. i just can not express how cool i think it is to see such sympathetic posts coming out of all of you : )
lastly; there're just too many posts to respond to,
but if anyone ever feels overwhelmed, please know that you can send me a PM about anything. i can't guarantee a fast response, but just sharing your feelings might already lower the weight a bit.
+1 for the compassionate posts, guys!
I've always had anger issues. i tried to kill my friend once. nigga was fucking my girl at the time. so i caught them at the park hanging out one night when she said she was hanging out with her girlfriends. needless to say, i knocked him the fuck out and kicked him in his face, stomped on his chest a few times knowing he had open heart surgery and left him lying bloody in the mud. broke up with that cunt on the spot. I still have trouble controlling my anger to this day and sorta fear what will happen to the next person that fucks with me.
I've always had anger issues. i tried to kill my friend once. nigga was fucking my girl at the time. so i caught them at the park hanging out one night when she said she was hanging out with her girlfriends. needless to say, i knocked him the fuck out and kicked him in his face, stomped on his chest a few times knowing he had open heart surgery and left him lying bloody in the mud. broke up with that cunt on the spot. I still have trouble controlling my anger to this day and sorta fear what will happen to the next person that fucks with me.
Ive lived in a upper-middle class house and everything has been pretty okay, around the time i was 4 my older brother gave me his ps2 and this made me just the happiest kid alive, i remember just looking at it and i was just so in shock of the fact i had my OWN game console. It was so cool!
My brother has always been extremely nice to me, a nice kid in general, up to middle school where he was repentantly bullied, harassed sexually, and got the shit beat out of him, shortly after his best friend committed suicide by drowning himself in a lake. Which the memorial is still there to this day, and apparently, it broke him, he started to change how he was, more aggressive started doing hardcore drugs and a lot of fucked up shit.
Later that same year i got the ps2, I remember my mom and my older brother were arguing and he attempted to throw a cd at her neck and luckily it missed, and smashed against the wall rather than taking her head off. After this he ran away for about a day or two, we found him on a highway near us so my dad convinced to take him home. Angry and upset he wouldnt talk to almost anyone. Flash forward about ~2 years weve moved into a new house and things are going alright despite the arguments daily between family members and I was sitting on the staircase as i watched my mom and my brother scream at the top of their lungs, and it got to a point where he hit her multiple times, meanwhile my dad wasnt home yet. After that he left, with my mom having a black eye and bruises, to go live with our grandparents some ~100 miles away, dont know how he got there.
It really fucking breaks you to see someone you love, just turn so quickly and get so angry to the point they would harm their own mother. Since that even as a kid I always felt like I should receive the short end of the stick for others, and that my parents favored my little brother more than me. Ive been struggling with anxiety and depression for basically my entire life, and for about ~2 years of it severely.
TF2 and videogames have done a lot for me, even if it was a social regression. I always enjoyed videogames more than sport, per-se. Because I didnt have to be myself, I could a Pirate, a cartoon, a hero, it wasn't me. And it made me happy, maybe it wasnt the best choice to try to constantly put myself into other shoes, but it helped me cope a lot as a kid, and still does today. I play a lot of TF2 because it lets me focus on other things rather than being sad, it lets me essential to a team, and be a big player in it, and I find that just the coolest thing.
sorry for the broken english im really tired and just needed a quick vent for a while.
Ive lived in a upper-middle class house and everything has been pretty okay, around the time i was 4 my older brother gave me his ps2 and this made me just the happiest kid alive, i remember just looking at it and i was just so in shock of the fact i had my OWN game console. It was so cool!
My brother has always been extremely nice to me, a nice kid in general, up to middle school where he was repentantly bullied, harassed sexually, and got the shit beat out of him, shortly after his best friend committed suicide by drowning himself in a lake. Which the memorial is still there to this day, and apparently, it broke him, he started to change how he was, more aggressive started doing hardcore drugs and a lot of fucked up shit.
Later that same year i got the ps2, I remember my mom and my older brother were arguing and he attempted to throw a cd at her neck and luckily it missed, and smashed against the wall rather than taking her head off. After this he ran away for about a day or two, we found him on a highway near us so my dad convinced to take him home. Angry and upset he wouldnt talk to almost anyone. Flash forward about ~2 years weve moved into a new house and things are going alright despite the arguments daily between family members and I was sitting on the staircase as i watched my mom and my brother scream at the top of their lungs, and it got to a point where he hit her multiple times, meanwhile my dad wasnt home yet. After that he left, with my mom having a black eye and bruises, to go live with our grandparents some ~100 miles away, dont know how he got there.
It really fucking breaks you to see someone you love, just turn so quickly and get so angry to the point they would harm their own mother. Since that even as a kid I always felt like I should receive the short end of the stick for others, and that my parents favored my little brother more than me. Ive been struggling with anxiety and depression for basically my entire life, and for about ~2 years of it severely.
TF2 and videogames have done a lot for me, even if it was a social regression. I always enjoyed videogames more than sport, per-se. Because I didnt have to be myself, I could a Pirate, a cartoon, a hero, it wasn't me. And it made me happy, maybe it wasnt the best choice to try to constantly put myself into other shoes, but it helped me cope a lot as a kid, and still does today. I play a lot of TF2 because it lets me focus on other things rather than being sad, it lets me essential to a team, and be a big player in it, and I find that just the coolest thing.
sorry for the broken english im really tired and just needed a quick vent for a while.
first day of my new job, I was broke. hadnt eaten in 2 days, couldnt sleep the night before. I was working in a warehouse, stacking shit for 9 hours, and was mentally and physically drained. At the end of the day, the owner of the company said that one of the temps had mentioned how much trouble I was having, and he gave me 20$ and told me to go get something to eat. Up until that point, I was ready to move back to houston, because I didnt have any money for food, much less rent. But that made me stick it out. My roommates helped me out that month and Ive since repaid them both. also i cried like a little bitch on the way home.
first day of my new job, I was broke. hadnt eaten in 2 days, couldnt sleep the night before. I was working in a warehouse, stacking shit for 9 hours, and was mentally and physically drained. At the end of the day, the owner of the company said that one of the temps had mentioned how much trouble I was having, and he gave me 20$ and told me to go get something to eat. Up until that point, I was ready to move back to houston, because I didnt have any money for food, much less rent. But that made me stick it out. My roommates helped me out that month and Ive since repaid them both. also i cried like a little bitch on the way home.