I could use a laugh :3
Know any good jokes?
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2 skeletons are standing in a graveyard, one turns to the other and says "if we had any guts we'd get out of here."
did you hear about the place off the highway that serves truckers? cannibals love the place.
i understand how batteries feel because i don't get included in anything either
The midget fortune teller who kills his customers is a small medium at large.
2 skeletons are standing in a graveyard, one turns to the other and says "if we had any guts we'd get out of here."
did you hear about the place off the highway that serves truckers? cannibals love the place.
i understand how batteries feel because i don't get included in anything either
The midget fortune teller who kills his customers is a small medium at large.
did you hear about the place off the highway that serves truckers? cannibals love the place.
i understand how batteries feel because i don't get included in anything either
The midget fortune teller who kills his customers is a small medium at large.
so i asked this chick out to prom, right?
i had to get a tux, so i rented one from the local tux place, and there was this huge line
when i got out i remembered i had to buy a corsage, so i went to a florist and there was a long line again
so i had my tux and my corsage and all i needed was a limo, so i went to rent a limo and there was the huge line
and when i got to the place, my date asked me to get her some punch, and there was no punch line
so i asked this chick out to prom, right?
i had to get a tux, so i rented one from the local tux place, and there was this huge line
when i got out i remembered i had to buy a corsage, so i went to a florist and there was a long line again
so i had my tux and my corsage and all i needed was a limo, so i went to rent a limo and there was the huge line
and when i got to the place, my date asked me to get her some punch, and there was no punch line
i had to get a tux, so i rented one from the local tux place, and there was this huge line
when i got out i remembered i had to buy a corsage, so i went to a florist and there was a long line again
so i had my tux and my corsage and all i needed was a limo, so i went to rent a limo and there was the huge line
and when i got to the place, my date asked me to get her some punch, and there was no punch line
why can't you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom
because the p is silent
why can't you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom
because the p is silent
because the p is silent
Why don't ants go to church?
Show Content
because they are in sects
Why don't ants go to church?
[spoiler]because they are in sects[/spoiler]
[spoiler]because they are in sects[/spoiler]
Who can shave 25 times a day and still have a beard?
Show Content
a barber
Who can shave 25 times a day and still have a beard?
[spoiler] a barber [/spoiler]
[spoiler] a barber [/spoiler]
Earlier this year, a Chinese family moved into my small town. The family had two twins who were both seniors in my class, Ving and Ling. Ving and his sister Ling were quiet to start off with, but eventually I made good friends with Ving. After talking to him for a few weeks he revealed to me that he absolutely abhored his name, and that he'd do almost anything to figure out how to get it changed. I asked him what he wanted to change it to, and he said
"Lee, like Bruce Lee or some shit."
I was failing Trigonometry at the time, and so I thought "what the hell," and offered to help him in exchange for him doing my homework. Ling overheard us and chimed in,
"If you do that, father will disown you as our child. That name has been in our family line for generations."
Ving never really listened to his sister though, and he still wanted to go through with the plan. The next day after school, I drove him to the town hall. After we arrived, he had gotten the name-change sheet and was scribbling down information on to it when I saw his face change. I could tell he was extremely conflicted with his choice. Tears began to stream down his face. He finally decided that he was gonna have to cancel his request, and Ling looked relieved. The receptionist let us know that there would be a cancelation fee, and handed the fee waiver to her. Suddenly, A short asian man with neon shorts, ray-bans, and an American flag t-shirt bursted into the room. Ving turned in awe and stared at the man, as tears rolled down his cheeks.
"D-D-Dad?"
With a huge smile on his face, the man ran up and embraced his son.
"Don't stop, be Lee, Ving.
Hold on the that fee, Ling"
Earlier this year, a Chinese family moved into my small town. The family had two twins who were both seniors in my class, Ving and Ling. Ving and his sister Ling were quiet to start off with, but eventually I made good friends with Ving. After talking to him for a few weeks he revealed to me that he absolutely abhored his name, and that he'd do almost anything to figure out how to get it changed. I asked him what he wanted to change it to, and he said
"Lee, like Bruce Lee or some shit."
I was failing Trigonometry at the time, and so I thought "what the hell," and offered to help him in exchange for him doing my homework. Ling overheard us and chimed in,
"If you do that, father will disown you as our child. That name has been in our family line for generations."
Ving never really listened to his sister though, and he still wanted to go through with the plan. The next day after school, I drove him to the town hall. After we arrived, he had gotten the name-change sheet and was scribbling down information on to it when I saw his face change. I could tell he was extremely conflicted with his choice. Tears began to stream down his face. He finally decided that he was gonna have to cancel his request, and Ling looked relieved. The receptionist let us know that there would be a cancelation fee, and handed the fee waiver to her. Suddenly, A short asian man with neon shorts, ray-bans, and an American flag t-shirt bursted into the room. Ving turned in awe and stared at the man, as tears rolled down his cheeks.
"D-D-Dad?"
With a huge smile on his face, the man ran up and embraced his son.
"Don't stop, be Lee, Ving.
Hold on the that fee, Ling"
"Lee, like Bruce Lee or some shit."
I was failing Trigonometry at the time, and so I thought "what the hell," and offered to help him in exchange for him doing my homework. Ling overheard us and chimed in,
"If you do that, father will disown you as our child. That name has been in our family line for generations."
Ving never really listened to his sister though, and he still wanted to go through with the plan. The next day after school, I drove him to the town hall. After we arrived, he had gotten the name-change sheet and was scribbling down information on to it when I saw his face change. I could tell he was extremely conflicted with his choice. Tears began to stream down his face. He finally decided that he was gonna have to cancel his request, and Ling looked relieved. The receptionist let us know that there would be a cancelation fee, and handed the fee waiver to her. Suddenly, A short asian man with neon shorts, ray-bans, and an American flag t-shirt bursted into the room. Ving turned in awe and stared at the man, as tears rolled down his cheeks.
"D-D-Dad?"
With a huge smile on his face, the man ran up and embraced his son.
"Don't stop, be Lee, Ving.
Hold on the that fee, Ling"
So I saw a sign that said "watch for children" and I thought, "That sounds like a fair trade"
So I saw a sign that said "watch for children" and I thought, "That sounds like a fair trade"
Why are there no pills in the jungle?
Show Content
Because the parrots eat em all.
Why are there no pills in the jungle?
[spoiler]Because the parrots eat em all.[/spoiler]
[spoiler]Because the parrots eat em all.[/spoiler]
Boycott shampoo! Demand the REAL poo!
I tried to hang myself with a bungee cord. I kept almost dying.
Boycott shampoo! Demand the REAL poo!
I tried to hang myself with a bungee cord. I kept almost dying.
I tried to hang myself with a bungee cord. I kept almost dying.
Did you hear about the two criminals who stole a calendar? They each got six months.
I saw a television in a store window with a note stuck on it that said "$5, volume stuck on maximum". I thought to myself, I can't turn this down.
Did you hear about the two criminals who stole a calendar? They each got six months.
I saw a television in a store window with a note stuck on it that said "$5, volume stuck on maximum". I thought to myself, I can't turn this down.
I saw a television in a store window with a note stuck on it that said "$5, volume stuck on maximum". I thought to myself, I can't turn this down.
How do you tell the difference between a chemist and a plumber?
Show Content
Ask them to pronounce unionized.
Someone offered me a four-dimensional analogue for a möbius strip.
Unfortunately, I had to deklein.
Why was Jesus pro-choice?
Show Content
You try explaining the loaves and the fishes without Banach-Tarski.
Someone was killed with an ear of corn.
The charge? A salt and buttering with intent to kill.
How do you tell the difference between a chemist and a plumber?
[spoiler]Ask them to pronounce unionized.[/spoiler]
Someone offered me a four-dimensional analogue for a möbius strip.
Unfortunately, I had to deklein.
Why was Jesus pro-choice?
[spoiler]You try explaining the loaves and the fishes without Banach-Tarski.[/spoiler]
Someone was killed with an ear of corn.
The charge? A salt and buttering with intent to kill.
[spoiler]Ask them to pronounce unionized.[/spoiler]
Someone offered me a four-dimensional analogue for a möbius strip.
Unfortunately, I had to deklein.
Why was Jesus pro-choice?
[spoiler]You try explaining the loaves and the fishes without Banach-Tarski.[/spoiler]
Someone was killed with an ear of corn.
The charge? A salt and buttering with intent to kill.
two peanuts were traveling alone in the woods when they were both violently asalted
two peanuts were traveling alone in the woods when they were both violently asalted
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To get to the other side.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To get to the other side.
To get to the other side.
What do my couch and I have in common?
Show Content
we dont pull out
What do my couch and I have in common?
[spoiler]we dont pull out[/spoiler]
[spoiler]we dont pull out[/spoiler]
It's a penguin that breathes by its asshole. One day, he sits down, and he dies.
It's a penguin that breathes by its asshole. One day, he sits down, and he dies.
razkarWho can shave 25 times a day and still have a beard?
Show Contentrick
[quote=razkar]Who can shave 25 times a day and still have a beard?
[spoiler] rick [/spoiler][/quote]
[spoiler] rick [/spoiler][/quote]
Not exactly a joke but I enjoy it nonetheless.
There is a bottle and a cork for sale. In total they cost one dollar and ten cents. The bottle cost one dollar more than the cork. How much does the cork cost?
Show Content
5 cents, and the bottle costs 1.05
You will either get it instantly or it will melt your brain.
Not exactly a joke but I enjoy it nonetheless.
There is a bottle and a cork for sale. In total they cost one dollar and ten cents. The bottle cost one dollar more than the cork. How much does the cork cost?
[spoiler]5 cents, and the bottle costs 1.05[/spoiler]
You will either get it instantly or it will melt your brain.
There is a bottle and a cork for sale. In total they cost one dollar and ten cents. The bottle cost one dollar more than the cork. How much does the cork cost?
[spoiler]5 cents, and the bottle costs 1.05[/spoiler]
You will either get it instantly or it will melt your brain.
Why was 6 afraid of 7?
Show Content
Because 7 was a 6 offender.
Why was 6 afraid of 7?
[spoiler]Because 7 was a 6 offender.[/spoiler]
[spoiler]Because 7 was a 6 offender.[/spoiler]
yo mama so fat
Show Content
we are all concerned for her increased risk of cardiovascular disease
yo mama so fat
[spoiler]we are all concerned for her increased risk of cardiovascular disease[/spoiler]
[spoiler]we are all concerned for her increased risk of cardiovascular disease[/spoiler]
wanna hear a funny tf2 soldier quote?
Show Content
maggots!
Show Content
not my joke
wanna hear a funny tf2 soldier quote?
[spoiler]maggots![/spoiler]
[spoiler]not my joke[/spoiler]
[spoiler]maggots![/spoiler]
[spoiler]not my joke[/spoiler]
mmangachu
http://static-cdn.jtvnw.net/jtv_user_pictures/chansub-global-emoticon-ddc6e3a8732cb50f-25x28.png
[quote=m]mangachu[/quote]
[img]http://static-cdn.jtvnw.net/jtv_user_pictures/chansub-global-emoticon-ddc6e3a8732cb50f-25x28.png[/img]
[img]http://static-cdn.jtvnw.net/jtv_user_pictures/chansub-global-emoticon-ddc6e3a8732cb50f-25x28.png[/img]
What did the farmer say when he lost his tractor?
Show Content
"i lost my tractor"
What did the lawyer say to the other lawyer?
Show Content
"we are both lawyers"
What did the farmer say when he lost his tractor?
[spoiler]"i lost my tractor"[/spoiler]
What did the lawyer say to the other lawyer?
[spoiler]"we are both lawyers"[/spoiler]
[spoiler]"i lost my tractor"[/spoiler]
What did the lawyer say to the other lawyer?
[spoiler]"we are both lawyers"[/spoiler]
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