The config was named Bonus Ducks after my Steam username, Lad Duck.
And now, I present to you, the Bonus Ducks Config: http://pastebin.com/R13NbNM9
The config will also be pasted directly at the very bottom of this post.

I was inspired to make this config after seeing how outdated Chris's Config is. So, I started with his as a base and expanded, and stole commands from most all of the popular configs, and some lesser known configs, added more commands that I had never seen them use before, and out came the Bonus Ducks config.

And now for the direct paste of the config:

// Customizing settings:
// In order to customize settings, you need to know what numbers to use.
// Mostly, these settings can be changed simply by setting them to 0 or 1 (0 being off, and 1 being on)
// However, this can vary for some settings (such as rootlod or mat_queue_mode)
// -1 is usually the safest option for things such as mat_queue_mode or r_fastzreject, as it detects what is best
// what is best for your machine and sets it for you.
// As for the quality of some things, it usually goes from 0 to 2, but if the option "Very Low" is offered, that would
// be 3

// This config takes away much of TF2's glamor without taking away it's style. This config is compatible with
// both dx8 and 9, but lacks some settings that dx9 users may want to turn off for increased performance, as this
// config is aimed towards people who want the most FPS and therefore play in dx8

// This config does not work in Matchmaking for TF2, it will crash your game.

//Ragdolls/gibs (currently turned off, comment this part out if you want ragdolls, don't change numbers)
cl_ragdoll_fade_time 0 // Time it takes for ragdolls to begin fading
cl_ragdoll_forcefade 1
cl_ragdoll_physics_enable 0 // Disables ragdoll physics
g_ragdoll_fadespeed 0 //How quickly ragdolls fade
g_ragdoll_lvfadespeed 0
ragdoll_sleepaftertime 0 //Ragdolls sleep after this time
violence_agibs 0 // Disables alien gibs
violence_hgibs 0 // Disables human gibs
violence_hblood 0 // Disables human blood
violence_ablood 0 // Disables alien blood

//Model detail (0=high;1=medium;2=low)
r_rootlod 2 // Sets the highest level of detail will go to
r_lod 2 // Sets level of detail
r_drawmodeldecals 0 // Setting this to 1 has reported crashes by some people
mp_usehwmmodels 0 //Better looking models, with smaller details. These models would be used in SFM
mp_usehwmvcds 0
lod_TransitionDist 0

//Textures
mat_filterlightmaps 0
mat_filtertextures 0
mat_picmip -1
mat_trilinear 1
mat_compressedtextures 1
mat_mipmaptextures 1
mat_bumpmap 0
mat_fastbump 1
// ** NOTES ABOUT TEXTURES **
// I'm not sure if it's worth noting, but textures at super low usually doesn't give much of an FPS improve. Some
// Have even reported that there's no FPS difference between running on Very High textures and Low textures.
// That being said, I've set the textures to High. Set mat_picmip to 2 for Very Low textures.

//Water detail (1-0; usually higher quality on water will kill your FPS in water-filled areas)
mat_wateroverlaysize 0
r_waterforceexpensive 0
r_waterforcereflectentities 0
r_WaterDrawReflection 0
r_WaterDrawRefraction 0
r_cheapwaterend 1
r_cheapwaterstart 1
r_forcewaterleaf 0
cl_show_splashes 0

// Disable shadows (1-0; doesn't change FPS too much, but if your graphics card is terrible don't turn it on)
mat_shadowstate 0
r_shadowmaxrendered 0
r_shadowrendertotexture 0
r_shadows 0

//Antialiasing (1-0; wreaks havoc on your FPS)
mat_antialias 0
mat_aaquality 0

//Shader detail (1-0)
mat_reducefillrate 1

//Particle Effects (1-0; particles are poorly optimized in TF2, it's better to be as minimalistic with particles
as possible)
//Note: Decals are mainly blood and bullet, and mp and r_decals limits bullet holes
mp_decals 9 // Could be from 0-200; 0 being nothing; 9 can show the spread of a scattergun
r_decals 9 // How many decals are rendered, unlike how mp_decals works, but they should be the same
tf_particles_disable_weather 1 //Disables weather like snow/rain
mat_reduceparticles 1
r_threaded_particles 1
r_threaded_renderables 1 //I would leave this on because whenever my FPS dropped below the refreshrate
of my monitor it go to all kinds of stages of fucky. I wouldn't mess with it

//Lighting (mostly 1-0; less fancy and easy to see, dx9 users will notice a lot more FPS than dx8)
mat_debug_autoexposure 0
mat_debug_bloom 0
mat_specular 0 // Makes ubers non-shiny
mat_fastspecular 1
mat_hdr_level 0
mat_hdr_enabled 0 // Disables high dynamic range
mat_disable_lightwarp 1
mat_disable_ps_patch 1
mat_disable_fancy_blending 1 // Disables fancy blending
mat_autoexposure_max 0
mat_autoexposure_min 0
mat_filterlightmaps 0
mat_disable_bloom 1 // Disables bloom
mat_bloomscale 0
mat_force_bloom 0
mat_parallaxmap 0
r_dynamic 0
r_lightaverage 0
r_worldlightmin 0
r_worldlights 0
r_maxdlights 0
r_PhysPropStaticLighting 0
r_dopixelvisibility 0
r_ambientboost 0
r_ambientfactor 1
r_dopixelvisibility 0
cl_new_impact_effects 0
mat_phong 0 // Phong lighting, helps a lot with dx9 viewmodel lag
r_occlusion 0
mat_colorcorrection 0 // Disables color correction
r_fastzreject -1 // Detects if it's best for your system to use a fast Z rejection algorithm.

//Facial Features (1-0; this can make them look creepy, but it's a small fps boost.)
r_eyes 0 // Disables eyes
r_flex 0 // Disables face flexing
r_teeth 0 // Disables teeth

//Ropes (1-0)
rope_smooth_maxalphawidth 0
rope_smooth_maxalpha 0
rope_smooth_enlarge 0
rope_wind_dist 0.01
rope_subdiv 0
rope_smooth_minwidth 0
rope_smooth_minalpha 0
rope_averagelight 0
rope_smooth 0
rope_shake 0
rope_collide 0
r_ropetranslucent 0

//Misc (1-0)
muzzleflash_light 0 // Muzzle flashes
cl_ejectbrass 0 // No bullet shells
mat_clipz 1 // Reduces some useless things that go flying around
cl_forcepreload 1 // Preloads some things on maps, less stress on your CPU
sv_forcepreload 1 // Server-side command of the command above
cl_disablehtmlmotd 0 //Disables HTML Message of the Day (also gets rid of plugins like Sizzling Stats)
r_3dsky 0 // 3D rendered skybox (doesn't make much of a difference except on big maps)
fps_max 132 // Max FPS -- a steady FPS is more desirable than a simple high one
cl_phys_props_enable 0 // Physics props
cl_phys_props_max 0 // Max physics props
props_break_max_pieces 0 // Max break pieces for props
r_propsmaxdist 0 // Max distance for props
mat_disable_d3d9ex 1 // Increases alt-tabbing and can help people who play in windowed mode
r_pixelfog 1 (fog, only noticeable in dx9)

// Config last updated: 6/29/16

echo "~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~"
echo "BonusDucksCfg loaded"
echo "~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~"