mm-mmm what a delectable, thought provoking piece of literature

Im confused, arent college essays supposed to be college level LOL

In essay 1 u should make the prompt more about yourself than ur group of friends

Essay 2 is p good, wouldn't have phrased some of the sentences like u did but it works and it was a good read

Also u should include prompts so everyone can understand what ur writing beforehand

Also are they supposed to be this short my essays were a lot longer when I applied

You need to go to your writing center, idk if this is your first english class but there are a lot of grade school mistakes in this.

LOL, im not even in college and I can write a far better essay than that

Definitely need to be longer. You need more of an introduction and conclusion. By the time I know what youre talking about, the essay is over.

Many people are shitting on you, but the good thing is that you are looking for help and not just soloing it. Maybe this is not the best place for help but ur on the right track.

Well it's a college application essay so they shouldn't really be a multiparagraph essay so idk why people are criticizing you about that.

Maybe focus on the amount of commas you use, a lot of professors and application essay readers are of the school of the less commas the better.

I don't really have time to provide a more in-depth review, and never having applied for an american school, perhaps I shouldn't anyway. Also, sorry if the following sounds harsh; I think there are some good ideas and some nice writing in your essay.

Just want to point out that if I was an admissions director, this

would instantly make me dumpster the application.

Avoid contractions.

Needs improvement, but not as much as I thought before you added the prompt. I don't fully understand the role of admission essays in the US, so I'll leave matters of content to others.

My main pieces of advice (not all prompted by your essays - don't take them too harshly) are:

• Read your essay aloud to yourself. If at any point you sound like a pretentious asshole, get snipping. If at any point you run out of breath, rethink your punctuation.
  
• Never use a thesaurus.
  
• Don't fucking waffle. Nobody wants to read waffle.
  
• Get a proofreader to point out bad style in your writing. It's very difficult to spot it yourself.

Yeah

I was trying to be as honest as possible with them and tell them my upbringing, but now reading it for the second time it does come across as quite arrogant. There are many other traits i could have put in there talking about my uprbinging, but I wanted to come off as relatble

Whats a waffle?

In 618 words you have 54 commas, and in 26 total sentences you have 21 that contain at least one comma. That's way too much. They butcher the fuck out of your writing and make it difficult to follow. You need to both cut the commas that don't need to be there and rework sentences that don't need them, because you shouldn't end up with anywhere near that many commas.

And since you added the prompt, you seem to be a bit off topic with it. You need to make it clear first off how you're going to answer the prompt. Make it directly clear what the community you're talking about is first off (in a tasteful way, but make sure they know right off the bat). Keep descriptions of your community and your involvement sane--they should be related and avoid meaningless descriptors that aren't involved with anything else. You were sorta doing that but the link between what your community is and what you did felt forced, not to mention a bit rude to other people (you don't want to look like an asshole, you accomplishments should speak for themselves without having to put anyone else down).

I want to nitpick this because you really shouldn't send this. It just seems jerkish/arrogant (and having this right after saying "caucasian" doesn't help much, just sounds like psuedo-neo-nazi shit then). Idk if this was added in as a little joke thing but if it could be interpreted the wrong way, it will be, and it's hard to interpret it in a good way too. I'm 99% sure when it says intellectual heritage, it's referring more to how your thinking got influenced through your life, and not some genetic/racial superiority.

e: ninja'd with the upbringing, but the 'most other people wasted their lives and did nothing while I was a select few who did something' is another thing to look at too.

that was a joke right?

why the fuck does a college want to know about your genetic intelligence lmao

this is really rough dude, probably needs to be fundamentally rewritten.

"I am" sounds clinical, don't avoid common modern contractions unless you intentionally want to sound like a robot.

"This means, for most of my life, etc" dont start a sentence with "this", its a really vague reference to the previous sentence. also chill with the subordinate clauses in commas mid sentence (and just lower the amount of commas in general). <-- this applies to the entire essay

"Most of us are well-off, living in an affluent area, of Christian faith, Caucasian, and with intelligence in our DNA." holy shit man
"most of us" most of who? you haven't referenced a group of people yet, only an area. fix with "most of the residents of etc"
"of christian faith, caucasian" again, you are referring to the area as both having a faith and having a race, this plainly makes no sense.
"with intelligence in our DNA" do you want your college to read your essay and get the strong impression that you are a genuine racist because thats what this clause portrays.

"With all of these traits ..."
your problem arises from verbiage like "so many" (especially used so repetitively). stop speaking in completely vague statements

"For a lot of my fellow..."
you are combining different styles and tones here. fellow implies casual relationship, comrade implies fierce, militaristic bonds. "too worth it" is pure ugly english. worth "it" means nothing, what is the specific worth of the opportunities? worth the life experience earned, the humanitarian feeling of good, the value in reaching out to communities, or the worth of the listing on your college application? also just slapping too on the front of the phrase completely negates the impact of the thought, as if there is actual debate as to whether the opportunities are worthwhile or not. "perfect bubble" again seems racist/classist/generally falsely superior. be proud of where you are from, but do not consider yourself better than others because of it. no college wants a kid riding a high horse about his hometown.

"But I choose to be..."
"smaller sector" makes no sense in context here, a group of people would never be referred to as a sector. the major issue with this sentence though is that you are continuing to portray yourself as someone who believes themselves better than those around them. not only are other communities below your intellectual capacity, but also your peers who idle and waste their time.

"My group chooses..."
"my group" makes you sound as if you founded and operate the volunteer operations. if this is true, expand on it. if it isnt, then make it clear that the group of volunteering students/citizens is just something you are a part of or involved in. the quote in this sentence is incredibly clunky, dump it or slim it down.

"I chose to go down to..."
this honestly seems fine, still sort of clunky feeling maybe swap "go down" with "travel" or "visit"

"We were a group..."
super repetitive, and makes you seem self absorbed. delete this sentence period

"We went to build..."
this is fine.

"We weren’t afforded..." dont make your experience in a struggling community all about yourself, make it about the people you helped. this sentence makes it seem like the focus of the trip was that you had to rough it, instead of the focus of the trip being the good you did for the community.

"We learned so much..."
this is an appropriate place to talk about yourself, but still try to involve the community in some more explicit way

"..."
there is no closing sentence (or at least no strong one), nothing wraps up your experience or relates it back to your hometown and draws a comparison between the communities i.e. what the essay is supposed to be about.

IN GENERAL
avoid specifically speaking negatively about people/groups (even by implication), instead focus on the positive experiences that you have had and maybe those around you who share in your positive experiences. you dont need to specify that your classmates are lazy for not taking volunteer opportunities, you just need to focus on your community and how they have enabled you specifically to take those opportunities. in referring to the volunteer work specifically, dont go on about yourself and how hard it was for you to do, focus again on the community that you helped and how you helped them. the essay is supposed to be about communities, drawing a parallel between your well off hometown and a struggling community could make for a really interesting essay if you dont make it entirely about yourself.

also, vary your sentence structure. the majority of the sentences in the essay are "i verb noun" "we verb noun" "my group verb noun"

im slightly regrettying this lol

This is to be expected when you post a link that allows people to edit/suggest in the TFTV community :D

writing center will tell you the same thing keep the american psycho quotes imo

To elaborate on this, it's not just about the tone of the phrase. You should think about what you're actually trying to say if you believe you're being honest with this.

-Is your faith actually a trait that provides you with more opportunities? Why? Are you specifically applying at a christian college?

-Is your ethnicity a trait that provides you with more opportunities? Why? Is the caucasian/black/hispanic/asian model actually founded and has any real merit? Do you believe the college you're applying to is racist?

-Do you have proof of the intelligence of yourself and your mates? In fact, can you indisputably back up your claim that intelligence is hereditary in the first place (you can't)

These are all things you'd be asked in an assessment talk, if your application hadn't been dumpstered because these are actually not things they want to ask you in an assessment talk.

some people are being assholes, but you've already been given a ton of feedback

don't take the hate seriously. just focus on considering what people have told you in this thread to improve

lastly i'd like to cover some bad advice in this thread

wrong, intentionally avoiding contractions in order to sound sophisticated is sophomoric and pretentious

always use a thesaurus, but never use a word from the thesaurus unless you have a solid understanding of the specifics of the meaning of it. words have subtly different meanings and wholesale swapping from a thesaurus will fuck your essay's tone six ways from sunday

Alright Going to spend the next couple of hours rewriting/tweaking/cutting myself. Ill post a new one in a bit. For now have fun raping my essay.

you don't need a thesaurus if you know the specifics of the word's meaning because that means you already know the word

good luck man, let me know if you have any specific questions about something i said or need help with rewriting clunky bits

the thesaurus is a reminding tool not a learning tool

Holy fuck that google doc.

You use the thesaurus if you know a word, but you want to express a different nuance of it and don't know the exact word you're looking for. Sometimes, the thesaurus reminds you of a word you know that's jsut what you're looking for. If not, you take all the words you don't know, put them in dictionary.com or whatever you use adn read the example usages until you've found the right one.

Also a great way to learn new words, much fun.