downfrags without replies

I've been trying to put time in a game of my own, heavily inspired by 6v6 TF2 when it peaked (2012-2016?), I'm realising it's a huge amount of work and it's getting me questioning.
Up until recently, I had the chance to live with my parents for free, but this year they're getting separated and might need to start working "for real".

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i have no discipline or work ethic and i always torpedo every relationship I’m in because i can’t make long term commitments

I'm in a better place in life than I have been for a long time, and reading through all the different posts here has made me feel even angrier at myself for not feeling better than I do. Instead of being grateful for what I have, it seems like all I can do is obsess for hours over every little social faux pas I make, and then I come home and let that same nervous energy seep into how I play TF2, making me play far worse than I have in the past. It's infuriating that I can't control my own brain, and it just feels like all my negative feelings are compounding on each other. On the one hand, it seems like all I can do is keep working until I die, but on the other, my job's not terrible so things could be way worse, right?

my twisted perception of reality, my irrational persona and general delusions and fights with my own self is whats getting me down

ftfy, if you realize that you could be in control of yourself youre already so many steps ahead of so many people. its probably gonna be a task for a lifetime, but if you manage to control your own mind, you're in control of the (your) world - so to speak.

good luck with that

I feel your pain, I've been dealing with a lot of the subsequent issues that stem from having ADHD (moderate-severe generalized anxiety disorder and severe drug use). I was diagnosed in adulthood even tho I had it my entire life. My ADHD symptoms are still moderate on a daily basis, however now its not as bad as it was for the past 10 years.

The best thing I can offer for you is to try your best to understand yourself: what makes you feel good, what makes you feel bad, what allows you to focus, and how can you keep this up. These can be small things like keeping your space tidy / organized and sticking to a daily schedule. Another great thing that has blessed my mental and physical state is exercise more so cardio. It's really good for the brain. Stop eating junk food too, you need omega 3s, better nutrients and cannot afford trans-fat in your system as this will fuck everything up in your body.

Definitely stay away from drugs (that's my primary problem but I'm holding on).

Lastly, I realized there's a huge mindset thing with ADHD, the system is trying to put us down. I spent 2017 and half of 2018 berating and hating myself for having ADHD but now I've realized its not a disorder, we just think and react to certain situations differently. Our brains are wired differently and now what I feel like what was my biggest curse is now a gift and my greatest weapon, especially in tf2 as a top competitive player :). Keep holding on brother and reach out if you need more advice. I've actually learned a lot and I don't want to see other people like me suffer.

Edit: I spaced this out because holy fucking adhd LMFAOOO

i work 12 hours a day, alone, and after getting my own apartment i now live 40 minutes away from any of my friends
a lot of things have been great for me lately but seeing people i care about feels like it requires a big commitment

Just relised how short I have left till I become an “adult”

Migraines n debt sucks

My mom just got diagnosed with cancer for the second time. But this time it showed up in multiple places in her body :'(

gravity got me down

My band just finished our first little tour thing and it was great. We also made a decent amount of money. The turnouts for every show we played were fucking amazing and we played with a ton of really cool bands and met a lot of cool people. What's got me down is that playing shows where I live sucks and there are hardly any venues that book rock or metal bands even though we have a bunch of great bands and that you make no money doing it. We made more money at any of the gigs we played than we've made total gigging where we live for over a year. Also I just want to get back on the road and play more rock n roll.

I love all of you so much, please don't ever feel like you're alone. Please don't feel afraid to reach out if life is getting to be too much. I love you, you matter, please, it gets better, trust me.

i've been sick for like 2 weeks and all my snot is draining down my throat and giving me unbearably bad breath

also i turn 30 this year and my body isn't standing up nearly as well to the abuse i've been putting it through for the last decade and that's a real fuckin bummer

its 2 am and i cant sleep
5 hr physics exam tomorrow
mega gay

i think my skull has a frozen brick of spaghetti in it where my brain goes and it hurts to think too hard

I can't stop thinking about the one pub sniper who couldn't walk up the crate out of river on upward SWIFTWATER FML cuz he kept falling off
So he did a perfect double bunnyhop along the edge out of frustration
What the fuck dude, that is my aesthetic 100%

My team died and I feel like it's all my fault and I feel terrible for letting everyone on that team down. I feel like shit because I have depression and other stuff, but no idea why or how I have depression. It's been 2 years since one of my friends from online killed himself. I can no longer attempt to work on a phd or get funding for it. I'm in between jobs and it's getting even more difficult to go day by day searching for a job with no communication back. I feel like shit because I play the easiest class and I'm mediocre at it. I don't know who I'm playing the game for anymore. The majority of my friends have either died, stopped playing, or just disappeared. I'm frustrated with the competitive community being really immature and it has me split from leaving the game or to just push past it and ignore what I can. I don't know if I want to play in IM for myself to prove something or if it's because my dead friend had talked about how he wanted to play in that div when I first started taking medic seriously. I don't eat well, my body feels like shit, the majority of my family is pretty disappointed in me, I don't know what to make of this community and where I sit or how I look within it. I can not push past the social block that is how I look and present myself to others online, it may not matter in the long run but I would like to not be too much of a meme so I can atleast play IM once. I have to deal with my father falling more into a deeper depression because of his fathers painful death recently and his Parkinsons worsening. I'm in a ton of debt still from a school I really didn't need to go to, to live with a grill that in the end really didn't give a shit about me or my mental health after 8+ years together. What is probably most embarrassing is complaining about my situation on an online forum acting like a whiny teenager on myspace. Dude, dealing with death and failure really sucks.

My dad got diagnosed with a tumor in his brain during November of last year. It happened out of nowhere and I got to watch my dad slowly lose all semblance of humanity, one day he'd be fine and the next he wouldn't be able to move or stand up. Things got worse and eventually my dad lost the ability to speak normally/construct any sort of coherent sentence. Meanwhile I was so busy with college (exams, projects etc) that I barely had the time to go visit him at all whenever he was at the hospital or spend time with him. Around the last week of January I was almost done with college for a while but his situation got even worse, he fell into a coma and the doctors deemed his situation hopeless, so they decided not to try and feed him anymore as it would just extend his suffering. When I came home just before my week of holidays was about to start, I received the news he had died (he was 59 years old). A month has passed since and I'm still incredibly busy with college. Meanwhile my mother is slowly losing her sanity over all the paper work and administration that needs to be done because of his passing. Things just haven't really been the same at home, I often catch myself doing things like set the dinner table for four people instead of three etc.

tl;dr dad died of cancer last month, staying focused in college is a pain

im not good at anything in life

My studies are almost over and I still have no clue what I actually want to do with my life afterwards

i can't find happiness, i got a job, got a girl, quit gaming as much, but i still wake up everyday wishing i didn't.

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This is not true you bring smiles to peoples faces!

I actually hate math. I just take so much longer to understand simple concepts than my peers. My professor always thinks I'm not listening when I can't answer a question but it's genuinely cause I just don't know the answers. I feel like I study 10x more than everyone else on it so it's so demotivating when I do shit.

What are you struggling with ?
It could just be the explanation of concepts are just not intuitive enough for you
If it's linalg or calculus, I highly recommend watching these: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fNk_zzaMoSs&list=PLZHQObOWTQDPD3MizzM2xVFitgF8hE_ab https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WUvTyaaNkzM&list=PLZHQObOWTQDMsr9K-rj53DwVRMYO3t5Yr

what this does mean