https://i.imgur.com/cZr3UPg.png

i'm going to be completely, 100% honest here: i'm fucking terrified of what might happen next. it's feeling more and more like the world is ending every single day. i'm not suicidal at all, i've gone to a hospital and am seeking help. but with the very real and current threat of a world war or worse, nuclear annihilation, it's looking as if the only thing that i should be doing is hoping to god my death is swift.

sorry for the bump but i have GOT to get these feelings out before i fucking implode emotionally

That sounds really tough and overwhelming. The world does feel like its ending a lot but there have been so many points in history where it seemed like the world was ending and it hasn't yet. Something that is really helpful is cognitive behavioral therapy and dialectical behavioral therapy. If you have the recourses to find a therapist who specialized in those i would recommend. I am very proud of you for seeking help. Sometimes that's the hardest part. Recognizing your struggling gives you the power to change.

I understand that it looks bad but everyone is literally doing everything they can to stop war. The west will 100% not start anything and everyone that works under Putin knows that they can't enjoy their corruption money if the world is a nuclear wasteland. That's a pretty good motivation to stop nuclear war.

The good news about all this is that when russia calms down we're going to be in a way better place lol. Suddenly everyone is very motivated to stop relying on fossil fuels and protect democracy.

for me and the rest of the world's sake, i hope you're right

Found out today that one of my best friends from elementary school died of a drug overdose. Idk if I should be shocked, horrified, or depressed about it, probably all 3.

(Sorry for bumping)

need to get over myself and at least get on medication. iI've been lifting for like the past month and a half and mentally i dontt want to die constantly anymore which is great but its still crawling around in there waiting for me to not have anything to think about and suddenly im wondering if i still have that folder with apology.txt's still on that one usb. and thats on a good day, with enough sleep and no depression shit going on. idk what i wanted to get out of posting this, i just spent the past 3 days laying in bed for like 15+ hours each day. got a bunch of cool stuff i want and have the means to do that dont even require me to leave my room. that mental wall to begin even moving is just fucking me up.

one step at a time king

all my political beliefs and my sexuality have been turned into a highly marketable pop culture punchline all the while the scumfucks we would throw artillery shells at in the 30s and 40s have once again fully entered mainstream politics with pro-western media inventing new cool hip terms to call them because "alt-right", "euro-skeptic" and "anti-immigration" sounds more marketable than a "fucking fascist" and all i can do about it is seethe and watch because leftist opposition is dead and the people in power have a vested interest in keeping the working class believing that it's the fault of their slightly different looking or acting neighbor that they're poor and without any future

insane person rant over back to sucking in etf2l open

https://i.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/newsfeed/001/211/681/b1b.jpg

hit stims in game and irl

about 2 months ago I finally called off a relationship of about 10 months. As I'm continuing to process it I'm only further realizing how toxic and emotionally manipulative my partner was. I feel like I was lured into a relationship with someone extremely welcoming and open-minded, however as time kept going by, this person kept showing themselves to be increasingly demanding to the point of making me feel like I was never good enough, would engage in conflict with me extremely frequently and deny me whenever I'd question if having so much conflict in a relationship was healthy, and use tactics like silent treatment and pouting. I really loved this person at the time, to the point where I felt like all this was a measly sacrifice in the grand scheme of things, but this ultimately meant that I kept enabling this behaviour even further.

As I move forward, I'm very happy to no longer be with this person, but I can't help but feel a lot of anger build up inside me when I think about them now. I look back at the good times and can't help but get angry at myself for not standing up for myself and always playing into their demands, as well as angry at them for taking the liberty of having their way with me and making me feel like I'm always lacking something...

definitely know how this goes i feel for u man

https://i.imgur.com/SnNHgLh.png

life's goin ok for me friends :)

i got a cool new job back in march in the field i majored in. i am having a great time and making a shitload more money

Bald Bill 2024 would go hard

life sucks and its my fault. hackers from the comp tf2 community actually know where i live and who my family are due to several questions they asked me and i actually responded. i've also doe some terrible shit they continuously take advantage of to this day. i try working for a pro wrestling company and that flopped and it was my fault, i tried making a esports team several times in several years and that flopped and its my fault, and i try to actually be rich and instead i gamble everything away when i could have easily gotten a $500+ inventory in csgo.

asf

I got banned from coppah pugs before being able to play one

https://i.gyazo.com/6c3faddee22792d94b8c0c42fb82f31d.png

i fucking hate petty high school drama man

dated a girl a liked for a solid 9-10 months, smartest girl you've ever seen. turns out one of my close friends violated her (called "dom") , so during the relationship her, her friend & my own fucking twin sister decided to cut me off from him, and slowly my whole friend group. eventually during a pep rally "dom" sat next to me (he initiated contact) and my gf freaked out. my sister had some not very nice words to say and tried to tell our parents what a horrible peace of shit i was. of course she broke up with me after a 2 days of complete ghosting and a phone call with her where my brother desperately tried to get me to beg for her forgiveness. i decided against his advice (thankfully) and tried to play it completely neutral. didn't work, she broke up with me calling me a pathological liar and all that. went to an auu tournament literal next day, nearly fucking broke down from the stress of that along with school forcing me to take the hardest courses because who the fuck else can? parents believed my sister up until about a week ago, just started to rejoin all of my friend groups. all was going to go good until my friend hooked up with her (that friend was also never seen without dom lol). been called a cuck, and i cannot go a single fucking day without her looking at me, or my friends saying "man that must suck," not to mention the copious amount of talk behind my back. worst part is i cannot get it out of my head for the fucking life of me.

Fuck these hoes slime stack the commas

I really wanna play another season with my friends but every time i play a season it feels like a terrible life decision in retrospect. Wish there were more cups or something

I know you edited your post, saw the original, but I do hope you end up feeling better man.

cringe warning + spurred cause of the AGE and TF2 thread

actual vent: it almost rubs me raw when i hear/see people who are able to just get out cold turkey and are able to do the whole livin life shindig. 100% i was addicted to the whole dopamine chase of tf2/digging giant fucking holes in minecraft, for... years at best, this whole past fucking decade at worst. like i did the sports (comp swim for 7 years total, managed to get into states weighing @ (fat) 248lb and showed up with "varsity" team @ 300 lmfaooo) i did piano, i had the opportunity to do college with a bit of $cholarship, worked for the past 5 years, long term (ex)gf, good friends online and irl! I went did shit i never thought id dream of going out and doing when i was in almost the same situation, with some of these same people in 2015! I parted out +sold my pc and for like 2 maybe 3 months at that point 0 pc/mobile games. Didn't even interact with any discords all too often till july rolled (lowkey proud of that pun ifykyk) around. I thought I'd be able to be productive, fix my truck, help my dad fix up the house, finally start doing ghetto fab/metal work again, all the cool shit I'd see people leave to do and did what I wanted to do. I even started really looking into mitigating (vs just knowing effects) adhd shit/not being dumb af and was (at some point) excited to put it to use. And i started lifting like 2 months before i sold the pc!
There was a day where i clocked fucking 22 hours 13 minutes of screen time on my phone. the next day? fucking 20ish hours, albeit there was like 7-8 hours of driving and just having podcasts on for that one. I'm pretty sure the only reason the previous day didnt clock 24 is cause i fell asleep for the 6ish hours before i needed to do that drive. most devastatingly crushing 3 months ive dealt with. near the middle-end of july i got poked and prodded by the group to play minecraft and surprisingly it handled aight on my laptop, couldnt move/use the trackpad at the same time however so i just settled for staring at these other gremlins while they played and would say "the watcher sees (player actions)" while standing in the trees or on ontop of a house. Also ran a bit where my wireless earbuds would hear me laughing and giggling like a dumbass but i would refuse to speak in vc, only responding in game (and ofc flaming/annoying the homies ingame).

dopamine addiction/withdrawl/fucking whatever had me by the balls and i hadnt given it the slightest thought about it til i realized what i did was the funniest thing ive ever done in my life, and arguably the best day ive had in a year and some change. Its been like 2 months and i still think i peaked comedy wise, and its still the best day in hindsight. but its a bit sobering to realize why i hold it with such high regard. At least with alcohol you feel the hard check when youre gagging again and almost having to fight taking a drink only a couple beers in, even with pacing it.

idk i was malding earlier and its been 2 hours since i started typing this out. if anyone feels me on this or sees a similarity or whatever, just do what makes you happy man. whos to say I cant look at my truck for 10 minutes and just tidy up some cracked vacuum tubes thatve been sitting aside for 3 years and call that good and head out to a car show to sell stuff with my buddy, its my fucking truck and thats more action the engine bays seen than it has seen in a long time. Mad your server wont boot because HP made the shitass p410i RAID controller and iLO3 is being a pain? drink a beer and just hang out bookmarking stuff that might be useful. it aint getting fixed now and doesnt need to be up soon so take your time and learn about it a bit more. stay yourself, fake it when you need it. masks can be taken off but being miserable is something that sticks to you.

put away some shit in the garage and mowed the lawn.
Noticed that i actually had another (real) post on this page, for continuity i sold my pc pretty much 2 weeks after that post. I'm pretty sure the hit stims in game and irl post was after I did a bump and was playing out of my mind at like 3am PST on EU servers in a cod styled game called Ironsight lmfao

read through the old journal i wrote in when i was 10 and 11 and has been on my floor in various homes for more than 12 years now. havent written in it in 8 years, i just flip through once every two years. It consists, beyond the usual cringe short stories, songs, and doodles a 10 year old puts in their journals, pages and pages of me insisting my parents hate me because they made me shower multiple times a week. i had no friends and spent outsized amounts of time on the internet. i was physically inert and under a bizarre pressure to plan out my career at the age of 13.
yesterday i hiked 12 miles round trip, 4500 ft elevation gain, in 6.5 hours (mt san jacinto via marion mountain trail, a southern california strenuous classic that typically takes people 8+ hours). i have friends i rock climb with regularly. today i threw out the journal. i shower every day.
life gets better. all glory to God.