Long distance is always a pain and most times doesn't work. Unless you both have extreme patience, confidence, and trust. The friction alone and frustration is enough to cause more hassle. You also often miss the things that are local and possibly already in front of you in some cases.
When there are pains here and there, it is one thing. When it becomes a pain and constant, you are better off looking at other avenues. It either works for you or it does not.
Long distance is always a pain and most times doesn't work. Unless you both have extreme patience, confidence, and trust. The friction alone and frustration is enough to cause more hassle. You also often miss the things that are local and possibly already in front of you in some cases.
When there are pains here and there, it is one thing. When it becomes a pain and constant, you are better off looking at other avenues. It either works for you or it does not.
Marriage? Immigration? Neither are things one simply jokes about. They are all serious commitments that must be devoted the appropriate time to plan ahead, prepare for, etc. Both of you overlooked one of the most important parts of the immigration law - proof of your ability to support yourself. (Trust me, I've had to deal with immigration for the past 10 years of my life) This tells me that (and I'm being just honest here, no offense) neither of you seem ready to bear the responsibilities that come with such immense subject matter.
Now, just visiting Canada for traveling -- you should be able to do that if you're an American citizen. Getting approved for permanent residence in Canada (which, by the way, ever since they ridiculously tightened up the immigration law a few years back, is really difficult) itself is a long shot, especially given your situation.
Ask yourself this question - do you really know the pros and cons about living in Canada and the U.S.? I don't think you do. Cost of living, taxes are generally higher in Canada, and finding jobs is also generally more difficult (but there are better things like better health care availability for the poor, etc). What makes you think just moving to Canada with this guy will solve your problems?
You don't seem to have given this that much thought and your desperateness to get out of your current situation seems to have taken much a toll on you. What makes you think living with him will solve your problems? He seems rude and appears as he may have moved on from you. It's really not that difficult to act completely different online (there's a reason why so many of those online predators exist), and I doubt that you actually know this guy very well. Given that, I doubt that your moving in with him will actually in long term help you in any way or form.
Long distance relationships that last till the couple can be back together are rare, and it's really difficult to maintain one unless the two involved are really serious about each other. Speaking from first hand experience, I really don't think this is the case for you.
I seriously suggest that you take care of your more immediate problems first: depression, getting a job, etc. Forget all that immigration, marriage, relationship stuff for now. Living with someone who can't manage their depression, can't support themselves, etc is extremely difficult, and if you can't figure out how to handle those things now, it's only going to get harder for you and your future partner.
Marriage? Immigration? Neither are things one simply jokes about. They are all serious commitments that must be devoted the appropriate time to plan ahead, prepare for, etc. Both of you overlooked one of the most important parts of the immigration law - proof of your ability to support yourself. (Trust me, I've had to deal with immigration for the past 10 years of my life) This tells me that (and I'm being just honest here, no offense) neither of you seem ready to bear the responsibilities that come with such immense subject matter.
Now, just visiting Canada for traveling -- you should be able to do that if you're an American citizen. Getting approved for permanent residence in Canada (which, by the way, ever since they ridiculously tightened up the immigration law a few years back, is really difficult) itself is a long shot, especially given your situation.
Ask yourself this question - do you really know the pros and cons about living in Canada and the U.S.? I don't think you do. Cost of living, taxes are generally higher in Canada, and finding jobs is also generally more difficult (but there are better things like better health care availability for the poor, etc). What makes you think just moving to Canada with this guy will solve your problems?
You don't seem to have given this that much thought and your desperateness to get out of your current situation seems to have taken much a toll on you. What makes you think living with him will solve your problems? He seems rude and appears as he may have moved on from you. It's really not that difficult to act completely different online (there's a reason why so many of those online predators exist), and I doubt that you actually know this guy very well. Given that, I doubt that your moving in with him will actually in long term help you in any way or form.
Long distance relationships that last till the couple can be back together are rare, and it's really difficult to maintain one unless the two involved are really serious about each other. Speaking from first hand experience, I really don't think this is the case for you.
I seriously suggest that you take care of your more immediate problems first: depression, getting a job, etc. Forget all that immigration, marriage, relationship stuff for now. Living with someone who can't manage their depression, can't support themselves, etc is extremely difficult, and if you can't figure out how to handle those things now, it's only going to get harder for you and your future partner.
Thanks for the links, M4risa.
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We won't be applying for PR until we are married and have had some visits under our belts to support the marriage being legitimate (in addition to chat logs, call logs, photographs, gifts, etc.). By that point I should also have a job, if all goes well. Additionally, we are going with outland application so that if it gets rejected, we can appeal it.
Since the incident of being turned away at the border, we have researched a lot more, looked at immigration forums, etc. I think what we have is solid, but if you know something we don't, I would be grateful for your input.
I don't think it will solve all of my problems, but living in a place that isn't so rural and dead-end would definitely be a step up. I know which school I would like to attend, and it's cheaper than my options here. My fiance is going to be making enough money to support us both if we moved away from his family, so being a dead weight isn't as big of an issue while I try to find employment there.
We've spent time together in person, it isn't a purely online deal. I can hear how he speaks to his family, and I know how he acts around strangers and familiars. The month-long visit should give more insight if there is any to be had, as living with somebody obviously makes it easier to see what they're really like.
I am seeking medication for my depression, and possibly a mental health professional. I am working on getting a GED and a job. Those will come first regardless of whether or not we pursue the initial plan, on account of the time it will take.
Thank you for replying, it is something to think about.
Thanks for the links, M4risa.
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We won't be applying for PR until we are married and have had some visits under our belts to support the marriage being legitimate (in addition to chat logs, call logs, photographs, gifts, etc.). By that point I should also have a job, if all goes well. Additionally, we are going with outland application so that if it gets rejected, we can appeal it.
Since the incident of being turned away at the border, we have researched a lot more, looked at immigration forums, etc. I think what we have is solid, but if you know something we don't, I would be grateful for your input.
I don't think it will solve all of my problems, but living in a place that isn't so rural and dead-end would definitely be a step up. I know which school I would like to attend, and it's cheaper than my options here. My fiance is going to be making enough money to support us both if we moved away from his family, so being a dead weight isn't [i]as[/i] big of an issue while I try to find employment there.
We've spent time together in person, it isn't a purely online deal. I can hear how he speaks to his family, and I know how he acts around strangers and familiars. The month-long visit should give more insight if there is any to be had, as living with somebody obviously makes it easier to see what they're really like.
I am seeking medication for my depression, and possibly a mental health professional. I am working on getting a GED and a job. Those will come first regardless of whether or not we pursue the initial plan, on account of the time it will take.
Thank you for replying, it is something to think about.
You should have just lied when crossing the border and maybe all these shenanigans would have never happened.
You should have just lied when crossing the border and maybe all these shenanigans would have never happened.
I have a little bit of experience here. I've dated people with abusive backgrounds, I've dated people with depression/mental issues, and I've also suffered from depression myself.
Long-distance relationships are hard. They're all work and no gratification. Dating somebody with mental issues is difficult as well because you're constantly trying to have their back and lift them up and you don't often get to see results. People also become dependent on a distant other for support, and neglect forming close contacts with people locally - and thus have a poor support network.
Like Meb said, the best thing you can do is attempt to attain treatment. It's embarrassing, and expensive, but it can be done. If you have insurance it's not so bad. Sometimes just asking about your options is enough - some places aren't horribly nasty about payments, etc, if you insist you need help but don't have the money.
You could try to look at a student visa? Look into colleges and etc in Canada. It may also be expensive but it could get you situated long enough to cross over into foreign worker territory.
To be entirely honest, in your situation. The best thing you can do is look into attaining independence. Either A.) finding work of any type that will allow you to live away from your family or B.) finding schooling options that work that will get you away from your family - it's not hard to get into colleges especially if your family isn't rich - or if you're over 23 and living in the US if you're not especially wealthy. Doing any of this will get you in a situation where you can attain treatment for any issues you may be having. I can't say enough about living for your self especially if you come from a bad background. I dated a girl that had been in a horrible situation at home, but once she got to working and school, and didn't have to deal with her family, she was much happier - she still had problems, and that killed our relationship, but she is fine and in law school now - if anything she'll end up much better off than me!
I have a little bit of experience here. I've dated people with abusive backgrounds, I've dated people with depression/mental issues, and I've also suffered from depression myself.
Long-distance relationships are hard. They're all work and no gratification. Dating somebody with mental issues is difficult as well because you're constantly trying to have their back and lift them up and you don't often get to see results. People also become dependent on a distant other for support, and neglect forming close contacts with people locally - and thus have a poor support network.
Like Meb said, the best thing you can do is attempt to attain treatment. It's embarrassing, and expensive, but it can be done. If you have insurance it's not so bad. Sometimes just asking about your options is enough - some places aren't horribly nasty about payments, etc, if you insist you need help but don't have the money.
You could try to look at a student visa? Look into colleges and etc in Canada. It may also be expensive but it could get you situated long enough to cross over into foreign worker territory.
To be entirely honest, in your situation. The best thing you can do is look into attaining independence. Either A.) finding work of any type that will allow you to live away from your family or B.) finding schooling options that work that will get you away from your family - it's not hard to get into colleges especially if your family isn't rich - or if you're over 23 and living in the US if you're not especially wealthy. Doing any of this will get you in a situation where you can attain treatment for any issues you may be having. I can't say enough about living for your self especially if you come from a bad background. I dated a girl that had been in a horrible situation at home, but once she got to working and school, and didn't have to deal with her family, she was much happier - she still had problems, and that killed our relationship, but she is fine and in law school now - if anything she'll end up much better off than me!
1. Instant Messaging can turn almost anything into an argument, you can't read tone. And in a way you were both wrong. He's right that you should be able to learn how to google shit on the internet, but he's wrong for the way he went about it. Guys are bad for this, and it's a common trait you'll find in a lot of men. We're insensitive because we're less sensitive. He should be more wary that because you have trouble learning that it's a touchy subject for you. He'll learn when he matures.
2. You are WAY too young to get married, and by the looks of those logs, so is he. But if you have to get married then there is 1 key to staying married. And that's you both have to want to make it work. You'll be able to have arguments and debates without it tearing apart the relationship as long as you both know you still want to be together after the spat. You both need to communicate that you want to make it work for the long haul, and if he doesn't you need to know NOW.
1. Instant Messaging can turn almost anything into an argument, you can't read tone. And in a way you were both wrong. He's right that you should be able to learn how to google shit on the internet, but he's wrong for the way he went about it. Guys are bad for this, and it's a common trait you'll find in a lot of men. We're insensitive because we're less sensitive. He should be more wary that because you have trouble learning that it's a touchy subject for you. He'll learn when he matures.
2. You are WAY too young to get married, and by the looks of those logs, so is he. But if you have to get married then there is 1 key to staying married. And that's you both have to want to make it work. You'll be able to have arguments and debates without it tearing apart the relationship as long as you both know you still want to be together after the spat. You both need to communicate that you want to make it work for the long haul, and if he doesn't you need to know NOW.
kuza1. Instant Messaging can turn almost anything into an argument, you can't read tone. And in a way you were both wrong. He's right that you should be able to learn how to google shit on the internet, but he's wrong for the way he went about it. Guys are bad for this, and it's a common trait you'll find in a lot of men. We're insensitive because we're less sensitive. He should be more wary that because you have trouble learning that it's a touchy subject for you. He'll learn when he matures.
2. You are WAY too young to get married, and by the looks of those logs, so is he. But if you have to get married then there is 1 key to staying married. And that's you both have to want to make it work. You'll be able to have arguments and debates without it tearing apart the relationship as long as you both know you still want to be together after the spat. You both need to communicate that you want to make it work for the long haul, and if he doesn't you need to know NOW.
it's like kuza says, men just want to fix it, and he doesn't understand your issues because he hasn't been through them, he just knows what worked for him :\ in other words he is putting the table together without the directions xD just be patient with him when he is trying to "teach" you how to figure things out, it sounds like he is very smart individual.
[quote=kuza]1. Instant Messaging can turn almost anything into an argument, you can't read tone. And in a way you were both wrong. He's right that you should be able to learn how to google shit on the internet, but he's wrong for the way he went about it. Guys are bad for this, and it's a common trait you'll find in a lot of men. We're insensitive because we're less sensitive. He should be more wary that because you have trouble learning that it's a touchy subject for you. He'll learn when he matures.
2. You are WAY too young to get married, and by the looks of those logs, so is he. But if you have to get married then there is 1 key to staying married. And that's you both have to want to make it work. You'll be able to have arguments and debates without it tearing apart the relationship as long as you both know you still want to be together after the spat. You both need to communicate that you want to make it work for the long haul, and if he doesn't you need to know NOW.[/quote]
it's like kuza says, men just want to fix it, and he doesn't understand your issues because he hasn't been through them, he just knows what worked for him :\ in other words he is putting the table together without the directions xD just be patient with him when he is trying to "teach" you how to figure things out, it sounds like he is very smart individual.
not to be an asshole but it's probably because you're a brony
not to be an asshole but it's probably because you're a brony
Don't look to him as an escape or the answer to your problems at home. You said you only knew him for 8 months, and you're ready to move in and get married? Don't waste 2 years waiting for him, you are young and SO many things can change in 2 years. Take this from another girl :)
Don't look to him as an escape or the answer to your problems at home. You said you only knew him for 8 months, and you're ready to move in and get married? Don't waste 2 years waiting for him, you are young and SO many things can change in 2 years. Take this from another girl :)
Well, I had known him for a little longer than eight months, but we started dating in December, and it was in August that we planned on me moving.
The marriage was initially a proposal of convenience for getting me in, as we were friends at the time.
It isn't really wasting two years because of waiting for my permanent residence to be with him--rather, it isn't that he is stealing my time that way, but I would have liked to start life in Canada sooner of course.
The waste is that where I live now is pretty dead-end, few job opportunities and people usually hire their family members. And going to school would mean a lot of debt that I can't afford to take on. So, if I can't get a job, then I am forced to sit around doing almost nothing.
Thanks for your reply.
Well, I had known him for a little longer than eight months, but we started dating in December, and it was in August that we planned on me moving.
The marriage was initially a proposal of convenience for getting me in, as we were friends at the time.
It isn't really wasting two years because of waiting for my permanent residence to be with him--rather, it isn't that he is stealing my time that way, but I would have liked to start life in Canada sooner of course.
The waste is that where I live now is pretty dead-end, few job opportunities and people usually hire their family members. And going to school would mean a lot of debt that I can't afford to take on. So, if I can't get a job, then I am forced to sit around doing almost nothing.
Thanks for your reply.
The whole point of college is to get a job that pays well. Taking on debt for college is based on the idea that you'll be able to get a good enough job when you get out to be able to pay the debt back.
The whole point of college is to get a job that pays well. Taking on debt for college is based on the idea that you'll be able to get a good enough job when you get out to be able to pay the debt back.
School debt is good debt, low interest and low payments and you'll be able to afford it with a good job. It also doesn't hurt your credit like consumer debt does.
I know it sounds like there are a ton of jobs up here in Canada but it's no joke living here. You also need an education for any of the good jobs. It's seriously cold in the winter, like bad enough that I'd like to move down south.
School debt is good debt, low interest and low payments and you'll be able to afford it with a good job. It also doesn't hurt your credit like consumer debt does.
I know it sounds like there are a ton of jobs up here in Canada but it's no joke living here. You also need an education for any of the good jobs. It's seriously cold in the winter, like bad enough that I'd like to move down south.
Reading that log made me cringe. Your boyfriend made a valid point but presented it like a dick and your responses were pessimistic "I can't do it and I'll never be able to do it" responses. There's no way to reassure or help people with that mindset. I thought this conversation looked familiar and realized I had a log saved of talking to someone who wanted help on TF2. It's eerie how similar the conversations are but with a different topic.
http://pastebin.com/BpFjd0Lv
Reading that log made me cringe. Your boyfriend made a valid point but presented it like a dick and your responses were pessimistic "I can't do it and I'll never be able to do it" responses. There's no way to reassure or help people with that mindset. I thought this conversation looked familiar and realized I had a log saved of talking to someone who wanted help on TF2. It's eerie how similar the conversations are but with a different topic.
http://pastebin.com/BpFjd0Lv
I couldnt even get through that chat log... good god. You not only want to wait for this person for 2 years.... but you want to marry them? Come on now. If you two are like this to each other on the internet... youre going to be in for a fucking shocker when you actually live together. 2 people who are dating shouldn't talk to each other like they hate one another... just from that (and your comments about the relationship) I would say you are getting slapped in the face left and right with signs to go your separate ways. There is absolutely no reason to be in a relationship with animosity like that... and you guys are barely even a 'relationship' at this point. Sorry if that sounded mean... but lets get real here. Why be with someone who insults you... why be with someone who's attitude brings you down... you suffer from depression and feel lost in this situation - that fuckin sucks, but you are only going to make it worse by continuing with this guy. My view as a complete outsider to your lives is nothing but grim - not saying he is a bad guy or anything... i dont know him. But you two together is unhealthy.
If you don't agree I understand... so I will go onto my next point. Long distance relationships are hard as shit. And expensive as shit. I met my boyfriend in TF2 and for almost a year we lived 6 hours apart - which I know is not far compared to a lot of people... but flying/driving to see each other is extremely expensive. Especially while youre in that lovey dovey phase - shit we went through a period where we literally had to see each other every weekend. Missing a weekend was like torture. Somehow we made it work though and now we live together and have a beautiful dog and cat. Theres no ring on my finger yet either... and that is okay with me.
Which brings me to my final point. Holy hell marriage at 18... I remember my parents telling me all the time that even though you feel like an adult at 18, in 10 years you will be a completely different person emotionally. DONT. GET. MARRIED. I am 26 now and I look back at myself when I was 18... I was about as grown up as an 18 year old could be - and I actually almost got married at 18. Like you the marriage had more business purpose than love though (he was in the navy and i needed a place to live). I am so glad I didnt do that. I don't want to say you're stupid... but at 18 you're stupid. And life is still easy. Enjoy it for the love of god.
Also... get a job. Even if it's at McDonalds. There is nothing shameful about working in fast food as long as you have a paycheck coming in.
I couldnt even get through that chat log... good god. You not only want to wait for this person for 2 years.... but you want to marry them? Come on now. If you two are like this to each other on the internet... youre going to be in for a fucking shocker when you actually live together. 2 people who are dating shouldn't talk to each other like they hate one another... just from that (and your comments about the relationship) I would say you are getting slapped in the face left and right with signs to go your separate ways. There is absolutely no reason to be in a relationship with animosity like that... and you guys are barely even a 'relationship' at this point. Sorry if that sounded mean... but lets get real here. Why be with someone who insults you... why be with someone who's attitude brings you down... you suffer from depression and feel lost in this situation - that fuckin sucks, but you are only going to make it worse by continuing with this guy. My view as a complete outsider to your lives is nothing but grim - not saying he is a bad guy or anything... i dont know him. But you two together is unhealthy.
If you don't agree I understand... so I will go onto my next point. Long distance relationships are hard as shit. And expensive as shit. I met my boyfriend in TF2 and for almost a year we lived 6 hours apart - which I know is not far compared to a lot of people... but flying/driving to see each other is extremely expensive. Especially while youre in that lovey dovey phase - shit we went through a period where we literally had to see each other every weekend. Missing a weekend was like torture. Somehow we made it work though and now we live together and have a beautiful dog and cat. Theres no ring on my finger yet either... and that is okay with me.
Which brings me to my final point. Holy hell marriage at 18... I remember my parents telling me all the time that even though you feel like an adult at 18, in 10 years you will be a completely different person emotionally. DONT. GET. MARRIED. I am 26 now and I look back at myself when I was 18... I was about as grown up as an 18 year old could be - and I actually almost got married at 18. Like you the marriage had more business purpose than love though (he was in the navy and i needed a place to live). I am so glad I didnt do that. I don't want to say you're stupid... but at 18 you're stupid. And life is still easy. Enjoy it for the love of god.
Also... get a job. Even if it's at McDonalds. There is nothing shameful about working in fast food as long as you have a paycheck coming in.
klanana dropping serious knowledge itt
klanana dropping serious knowledge itt
well it's basically "don't be retarded and get married at 18 because gl raising that kid as a single mother for the rest or your life while working at mdconalds"
well it's basically "don't be retarded and get married at 18 because gl raising that kid as a single mother for the rest or your life while working at mdconalds"