seriously, fuck depression.
Thankfully I haven't had it, but I am directly affected by those who are and I think this is a great initative.

Any step towards battling mental health problems is a good one imho

I'm glad that there's been movement to change the perception of depression, and mental health issues in general, as medical issues and real problems as opposed to viewing them as personal weakness or failing. I personally think people have been noticing, and the attitude towards it has been shifting in a positive way.

I've dealt with depression and bipolar disorder my whole life. Srsly, fuck that suff.

I've been struggling with depression for the past 8 or so months, and was diagnosed with it this past July. I have struggled with suicidal thoughts the past couple of weeks and it's a really awful thing to go through, and unless you've personally been through it, it's sorta hard to understand how it feels. If you're good at expressing yourself you'll have a easier time trying to explain to people how it feels, but even then it's still really hard.

I'll try to explain it like this I guess

1. Imagine that you are in the middle of nowhere, and randomly catch on fire.

(The pain caused by the fire represents depression)
Catching on fire is probably one of the most painful feelings ever, and we've all burned our hands on random shit on the stove, but a lot of people have never actually been caught on fire.
The point I'm making here is that we've all felt sad or pain in our lives before, but a lot of people (or at least thats how it feels) have never experienced the pain to that degree.

2. Imagine there is a wall that will instantly kill you if you touch it, and behind that wall a little ways away, there is a swimming pool, and the swimming pool is not visible because of your pain and also because the wall blocks your view.

(The wall represents suicide and the swimming pool represents happiness/ getting better/ no longer having depression and things like that)

This is where the "explaining" part happens and I have no idea if this makes sense or not but I'll try

Now if you looked at this situation, you would probably say "the more logical choice is to go for the swimming pool because it ends the pain, but it also keeps you alive at the same time, sure it might take a little longer for the relief to come but it's definitely the better option"

The problem with that is, when you're actually going through that much pain, you're not able to think logically. And the only thing your brain is telling you is that you are in a lot of pain, and you want out, NOW. It doesn't matter at that point which option is better, the fastest one is the one you want. And touching that wall of death or whatever is the faster way.

Another thing is, because of the amount of pain you are in, sometimes it feels like swimming pools (AKA happiness) might not even exist. And even if that swimming pool does exist, how do you know it's actually a swimming pool? What if it's just some small bucket that won't help you? Why put yourself through more pain to possibly find a supposed "better" solution than to take the solution that is faster and guaranteed to end your pain?

This is just the way that I've thought of it, and I have no idea if this makes any sense at all but if it does I hope it at least gave some insight onto how it feels.

Stay strong gamers :-)

The only way I can describe it is like a light switch inside your mind. When its on everything is great and you see the good in everything. But when its off you feel like the loneliest person in the world even if you are surrounded by others nothing can stop the pain. Thoughts race around your head and you can't enjoy things normally. You lie awake at night and just worry about arbitrary things. It comes and goes but each time its harder to bounce back from the last bout.

i think the worst moment in my life was when my mom asked if i was gonna kill myself, because i realized how much it hurt her when i lose control of my emotions

I've wanted to try and write something about depression for a while now, having recently been affected by it myself and before that having had it affect people very close to me. I can normally find a way to write about almost anything, but it stumps me every time. No description I've ever come up with quite captures it fully. However, I will try. This may be a bit of a wall of text depending how "into" this I get, sorry in advance if it is.

The light switch analogy that qarky raised is a very good one, particularly because the turning point really can be as instant as the flick of a switch sometimes. Happiness to sadness, self-loathing, anger or, worse still I think, just... nothing, total apathy, in almost literally the blink of an eye. At first it really can come when you least expect it, though I say "at first" because from my experience there comes a point where you're just always expecting it, you know it's gonna happen eventually.

It's got a particular little nasty twist to it for me being diagnosed Aspergers - social situations are difficult enough at times as it is without that switch flicking off and making things harder. Hell, sometimes the difficulty of social situations is what flicks the switch, it definitely has happened, so there's a vicious little cycle there, even.

With all of that said, my personal experience of it has thankfully been seeing the signs of it in myself relatively early (with a little help from my friends, of course, I think it's rare that anyone sees it in themselves without any help at all) and seeking psychiatric help quickly - I'd seen one of my closest friends, a girl who really is like a sister to me, spiral down the slope of not getting the treatment she needed and she eventually ended up in a live-in psychiatric clinic for over a month with severe depression and anorexia nervosa. Having dealt with that and seen how much it destroyed both her and the people who cared about her, myself included, it wasn't a risk I was gonna take. She's doing incredibly well for herself nowadays, incidentally - lately the shoe's been on the other foot and it's been her supporting me through things, something which I can't really express how thankful I am for.

There's a very good short story (which also has a reading on YouTube) that my current psych showed me called I Had a Black Dog, written by a sufferer of depression and based on a quote from Winston Churchill in which he called his depression his "black dog". It's well-worth looking at, it gives an interesting perspective and some very accurate insight through the analogy.

So, to any other sufferers out there of not just depression but any mental illness, particularly those that have it much worse than I do as mine is thankfully not too severe, I've never had it go as far as serious suicidal thoughts - you're never alone. Keep the people who care about you close, don't give up or let your guard down and you can get through anything - it may feel like running against a brick wall at points, but stay strong and the wall will break before you do.

To close my thoughts out and absolutely at the risk of being a massive hipster by quoting song lyrics, Watch Me Rise by Have Heart, one of my favourite songs by one of my favourite bands, puts it quite nicely I think:

So I say to the slaves of depression
CARRY ON
And sing the sweet redeeming song
About living this life free and long

Just last week my mom begged me never to do it and said she'd end up offing herself too if I did. Really breaks your heart to hear/see them worry like that.

What's been hard for me has always been the unpredictability of it all. I'm very up and down, and when it goes down I never see it coming. I just feel shit for a while and then i realise it's bad again. The unpredictabilty, and likely the apathy that goes with depression, makes it all feel very hopeless. I can't seem to figure out why I'm feeling bad, which in turn makes me feel even worse. It's a bitch

depression sucks a lot
been depressed since junior year of high school and got diagnosed with it last year
it's really hard to explain and really hard to understand if you don't have it
but yeah, i'm glad mental illnesses in general are getting looked at differently now

it's crazy how many times a lot of my relatives would just tell me "some kid in africa has it worse than you" and to "think more positive"

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ltun92DfnPY

feels weird to come and talk about something as small as anxiety compared to depression, but i feel like it's something that should be on this thread. i was diagnosed with anxiety a few years ago (im 16, as of now), and it's making it hard for the everyday life.

being shy and having difficulties speaking to groups of people only scratches the surface of what anxiety is. constant doubt about everything, the horrible feeling that no matter what you do, you always think people will judge you, even about the smallest things.

it gets annoying when you're unable to express anything, litterally. i cant make excuses, and its been 12 years since i said "i love you" to a member of my family. i cant create new relationships with people, and its hard to maintain those i already have. you're told that you're just antisocial, that you should get out of your comfort zone, etc. i dont know how i did it, considering my situation, but i have a girlfriend of 3 years who supports me through it and is always willing to talk, or sometimes, when its better, to say nothing. i feel very lucky to have her, because a lot of couples crash because of mental illnesses.

although, i am thankful i never had panic attacks, i know how devastating they can be. other things can be the lack of self esteem, i always blame myself and compare to the others, only to come to the conclusion that im worthless. i have suicidal thoughts regularly, and its when i stared at a razor blade for 10 minutes with my sleeves up that i realised something was wrong.

i made a lot of efforts to get out of this situation. doing various activities/sports to change my mind helped a lot. i started playing the bass, taking acting lessons, and i try to make jokes and make people laugh, because that's the only way i have to know that people dont judge me badly. i still cant go to parties, or anything with large groups of people. i just stress the shit out of myself and get nausea, usually. add weekly migraine attacks and a lack of sleep to the whole thing.

writing down what i feel everyday is complicated and this post probably looks like a mess but eh, i tried

been depressed for the past 10 years. gave up a while ago on trying to control it, so ive taught myself to cope with it. now i live my life for the people i care about as well as gaining wisdom so i can share it with others who need it.

If you've never tried therapy because you thought it wouldn't work, try it anyway, you might be surprised! especially with depression.

My brother went through a very hard time during his Senior year in high school last year, we didn't think he was going to pass high school. He was very very smart, use to be an A/B student, had a lot going for him, made a 28 on ACT on second try. He could have done so much better but he just lost all of his drive. He is honestly one of the most intelligent people that I know, but as a young child he was diagnosed with aspergers, a form of autism. Over the summer between his 11th and 12th grade year, he was having panic attacks everyday, he couldn't sleep for days straight, he was having hallucinations (auditory and visual), and he could not function in society. It really hurt my family. It was really painful to see such a bright kid with a good future ahead of him to lose it all because of bipolar disorder. He is doing a lot better now though, he got some of his basics out of the way at a local community college and now has a job.
I personally struggle with a bit of depression, not near as bad as my brothers, but sometimes I get really down, and sometimes for no reason at all. Sometimes I feel I can be a bit bipolar, but I can't just diagnose myself on it. This is a great cause that they are going toward because so many people have mental illnesses that you might not even know about.

I've been struggling with it for a while now. It's exhausting having brief illusions of what it's like to be happy or "normal" before it slowly creeps over you time after time and takes control of your life. I hope everyone manages to find the peace they deserve.

Depression. Been there. It sucks. Don't be afraid to cry it out sometimes. And don't hide behind lies because you don't want to find out the truth. That only leads to uncertainty and paranoia, the foundation for depression. You know when you're doing it, keep it up for too long and you can't sustain yourself.

I had a lot of problems trying to tell my parents about depression for this reason... The look on their faces when I could see how much they worry about me, I didn't want people to worry because I wanted to leave quietly, kind of makes me glad that I told them.

Dealing with anxiety and depression at the same time is kind of a weird balance, the anxiety makes me fearful and turns up my awareness of people around me to 11 while the depression slowly shuts me away from anyone else and makes me not want to bother anyone with my existence. I take some medication now to keep the anxiety attacks at bay, but the initial numbing effects and insomnia weren't fun. I get irritated by stress a lot and minor things can set me off into another spiral but I'm doing my best to hold on.

I've tried to KMS a couple times, gave up. Still depressed but now I have a reason to live.

I have been depressed since sophomore year of high school - which got worse in senior year, and has been the same since then (am now in college, 3rd year).

My university offers free counseling which has helped me a lot, even if the feelings come and go in various time lengths.

Consider seeing a counselor if you haven't already - there is no shame to it, and you can always say no (stop going to meetings, change medications, etc).

Find your way to fight it, and stick with it.

I've really wanted to write about this for awhile, actually.

When I was in my 6th grade year in middleschool I stopped taking ADHD medication because I didn't need to take it anymore because I think my ADHD was gone. In turn it slowed down my metabolism, made me feel really sleepy so I slept through tons of classes and caused me to be way overweight than normal due to my metabolism slowing down. I didn't have any friends because I was a shy kid. My brother constantly beat the shit out of me, for reasons I just didn't understand and on top of that made fun of me for my weight so I became insecure. Being fat and shy and having a brother that was much taller and older than me, there wasn't much I could do in response to him. My mother was constantly working because my father and my mom are divorced and she needs to take care of me and my brother so she couldn't stop my brothers acts. Also, even more recently my aunt bullied me constantly. So growing up I kind of became fucked in the head. I developed severe social anxiety, I was suicidal and extremely depressed.

Unfortunately, as a result I became so isolated and decided to shut myself out and play video games. Any game that appealed to me, it didn't matter I just needed a distraction. So when I decided to quit runescape when I was thirteen, I got sucked into TF2 when I was fourteen. However, In my opinion though getting sucked in wasn't worth it. honestly if I could turn back I'd get help, not get sucked into video games and do something way more fulfilling with my time.

Please, like pellovely said. If anyone is going through similar stuff, you do not need to waste your fucking life playing video games unless it is your passion and you have some potential to be best player ever, or maybe its your hobby, who knows. But if you can help it, just don't get addicted. It's never worth it.

When I was younger, I didn't have anyone to tell me to get help, I didn't know how to get help and most importantly I was too afraid to speak up to anyone. Don't do that though, I'm telling you now if anyone is going through something similar, muster up the courage and tell someone. Talk to someone like a parent. Or any adult at your school anyone who can get you help. Be optimistic have a drive that you can get through it while talking someone who can get you help and you will get through it, I promise you.

As of writing this I've been feeling a lot better about my life since I've talked to my mom about it and I'm getting some help soon. My brother has since moved away and I'll be going to college soon as I've turned eighteen a few days ago.
With that, I'm probably going to spend less time playing TF2. I don't need to be invested in it anymore because I feel better. I don't want to spend every waking moment playing TF2 and have 120 hours in the past 2 weeks. If the circumstances call for it, I might just drop the game all together.

So, sorry to anyone that I've made feel like shit because I just don't know how to handle my emotions. All of you guys on this fourm are honestly are all so fucking cool and It sucks that I've lashed out to so many people, even if you didn't take it personally, I'm still sorry and I wish I could do something to make up for how I've acted.

I just hope everyone has a great season and fun season in esea or whatever tournament you're in, I hope we all have a healthy competition.

Edit: Made some revision's to my post.

Things like this bring us together as a community, but it is something we all have to accept. We all probably played our fair share of games because we were depressed. At least I have.

I've been diagnosed with anxiety around 4th grade and then it landed me into a private middle school where my depression started. I was a kid who had his mom come and eat lunch with me because it was a coping mechanism. But looking at it now, it all comes down to acceptance of your being fucked up and your ability to deal with everyday situations. I was doomed at birth, unfortunately, but it's not just a pill that will do 100% of the magic. I've also been diagnosed with ADHD recently and have been on and off meds. The fact that it's trial and error sucks, as well as the unpredictability of your brain changing over time. But you just gotta keep putting one foot in front of the other.

Talking has helped me get so much shit off my chest. This is a great initiative.

Best fucking attitude right there, bro.

As someone who has struggled recently, (and still is a little bit), it's this sort of mentality that keeps me going. The knowledge that things will get better, you just have to keep pushing to get to that place.

all too familiar of a topic to me. it's fucking awful because there's no definite solutions to mental illness and it's very difficult to see through when you're dealing with it.
i think i had a kind of epiphany where i fully realized what a shit path depression was taking me down. so nowadays i'm pretty okay for the most part, though i do feel even more self-absorbed and alienated. my advice would be to keep yourself busy, drop anything/anybody that you know is getting you down, and do your best to ride it out. medication can make things a lot easier, there's a lot of different types that work for different people.

fare well fam ❤️‍

i feel like shit right now but itll pass

Hey guys, one of my best lifelong friends was recently diagnosed with schizophrenia. I've known this guy since he was 3 so he is someone very close to me, even if we haven't talked much lately. I don't know the whole story but ever since he decided to take a gap year between HS/college which was about 2 years ago he has done basically nothing with his life besides smoke weed and do a fuckton of psychedelics. I think he really fucked up his brain. He's on medication now which is working but from what I've heard it makes him happy in a really "creepy" way. Im just wondering what other peoples experiences with schizophrenia are becuase im afraid I'll lose a friend :/

i've lived with depression since 6th grade, i got diagnosed by a doctor in 7th grade and since ive been drowned in pills,
recently a year ago i decided that i didn't like that my life depended on tiny little capsules so i slowly quit them.
coming from a hispanic family, they don't really understand depression, they just think its an excuse for me to be lazy, or not go to school, i've tried explaining depression to my mother, who i love very much by saying, imagine wearing a huge heavy iron medieval armor, feeling the weight all over your body crushing you, and try to do normal, everyday things, sure theres people that fake depression online and seek attention but most people that actually have medical diagnosed depression don't even talk about it, i remember last summer my depression got worse due to me wanting to stop pills so i would put like 110-120 hours in tf2 every 2 weeks trying to get my mind off it, but that wasn't very healthy so i started exercising and i got better (seriously exercising really helps with depression) also a balanced diet is good too.
now i put like 40-50 hours every 2 weeks in videogames, and i feel hella better. sorry for anybody going through depression and if you need help or feel like youre gonna do something you shouldnt heres the national suicide hotline:
1 (800) 273-8255, honestly it won't just get better all of the sudden, you need to do something about it.
good luck my dudes and dudettes and i hope you feel better soon.

sorry for bumping but i wanted to share this

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q-nUigOMRwc

Not shitposting here. This guy and people like him are the reason depressed people suffer so much. People don't take it seriously as a mental illness and think it's as easy as "cheering up". I really cannot stand people like this, he calls other people out on being ignorant when he has no grasp of how much damage depression does to individuals and society. I work with drug addicts for a living and I can tell you that depression is a huge factor in so many cases, if you can get out of the depression then you can live happily without depending on drugs. He also thinks you can just shake off crippling anxiety and get over it, if you have anxiety issues it can hurt you for your whole life and it very closely linked with depression. Would also like to say to the people here suffering that you aren't weak and you have a real illness that makes your life so much more difficult compared to people like him.