when I was like 7, I was in a barnes and noble, and was messing with the handrail part of the escalator at the bottom. my finger got caught in it for a sec, I felt a small electric shock, and then the escalator shut off, as did the lights above it

I ran the fuck away

peeked at my cell phone while driving on the highway then crashing

Laughing at a pair of underwear in the middle of the parking lot during a fired drill when the teacher specifically told us not to talk. I was in the first grade so a pair of undies is pretty funny to me. My teacher thought it was worthy enough of a card change to purple and I had a blast explaining it my mom.

ik "adderall not ritalin" pure

you know that thing dangling in the garage..?

http://i.imgur.com/pDbfB.jpg

well my friend told me to pull it and i did so my garage door came slamming down and the remote to open the garage door wouldn't work so i was stuck there for quite a while with my friend.

I got blackout drunk and pissed in a hallway.

Still haven't lived that down.

buying alcohol strictly because its on sale

she didnt even speak english

jet fuel :<

You know how some hotels give you stuff wrapped in plastic bags?

I took one of those bags, filled it with water and threw it out the window, giggling with my brother as we watched it sail out towards the street. It landed right next to someone while he was handing out flyers.

Did I mention this was from the 16th floor?

procrastinate. all. the. time. it's cost me so much, but i can't seem to stop. also, playing tf2 the night before a hard test instead of studying. its ok though, i got an a and my parents didn't beat me to death.

my friends and i went on a ghost hunt in some restricted hiking area and after we got out, i saw some people and thought it was some of my friends, so i kept shining my flashlight in their faces

when we got closer i realized it was cops who lived in that residential area (so they were in their undershirts) lol

apparently when we snuck into the hiking area we tripped an alarm so he was waiting for us on the way out

he was threatening us with trespassing charges, but ended up not doing anything

that hike was pretty fun too, we all got lost and someone almost fell off a cliff

same thing happened when my friends and i snuck into some dudes backyard to get to this amazing stargazing spot on some rocks, where you can't hear the city and can only hear crashing waves

cops were waiting for us on the way out :(

when i was 4, i stuck a key into an electrical outlet.

explains so much

When I was about 10 me and my brother were home alone and decided to make some hot chocolate. We thought it would be cool to put it in a metal cup then put it in the microwave. Turned the microwave on, went back to my room to continue playing need for speed on gamecube. Suddenly hear my brother scream fire then we proceed to fill up cups of water and literally toss them across the kitchen in attempt to put it out. The fire never left the inside of the microwave luckily, but the black plastic from the cup melted from the fire so like half of the kitchen was covered in water with black blotches around them. Us being kids we attempted to wipe up the water with napkins and open the windows to air our to make it seem like nothing happened.

a few choice moments from the life of ukm

when i was 4 i jammed my thumb into a vacuum cleaner to see what would happen, got stuck, yelled for mom, mom told me not to move while she went to get a screwdriver to take it apart, i panicked and ripped my thumb out tearing a giant flap of skin back which cause a big scar on my thumb i still have today

when i was ~10 some girl in class was pissing me off repeatedly on purpose so i stabbed her in the leg with a pencil.. not hard enough to draw blood but pretty dang hard.. somehow avoided getting in trouble for that one

when i was ~14 smoked weed with a few people in broad daylight on school property in the parking lot, some family friend apparently saw it and told my mom, had an awkward convo where she told me i'm old enough to make my own decisions but if it wasn't a cigarette and i get in trouble with the cops she's not bailing me out and i have to deal with it on my own

freshman year uni while walking to a bar in hull i was walking backwards in front of a group of ppl from my floor talking to them. we'd been pregaming pretty hard so my spatial awareness was not in top form and i walked backward into the giant fountain that i didnt realize was directly in front of the bar we were going to. went ass over tea kettle into it and got completely soaked about 10 feet directly in front of the bouncers - got up shook it off a bit and pretended like nothing happened, they let me in

few years back i got a lapdance at the ripper's from a young somalian dancer - apparently she liked the way i touch boobies because she asked for my number. called me the next day and we went on a date to the fair with her younger (~6 year old) brother. while we were there she apparently recognized one of the carnies, knew him by name, tried to get the carnie to babysit her younger brother while we went on some 2-person ride together (he refused). then back to her place where i fucked her rawdog.. honestly probably the dumbest one but got away with it scott-free thank the lord

and since then i havent done shit because i turned into an asocial nerd who plays tf2 constantly

About 10 months back I was home alone and decided I wanted some dinner, and didn't like the food my mom had made before she left, so I went to make some mac and cheese. I put the water in the pot, and turned on the burner, and went upstairs to browse the web while the water boiled. A few minutes later I smelt something burning and went downstairs to find my entire kitchen engulfed in smoke. Apparently I had turned the wrong burner on, and the burner cover was completely disintegrated along with the tupperware with leftovers on top of it. I dumped the pot of water on top of the smoldering plastic to put it out, but needless to say the food that was there was tainted due to burnt plastic smoke and dinner for the rest of the family was ruined. It took about 4 hours with all of the windows open and fans on for the house to not smell like burned plastic. Now I always check really carefully when I turn the stove on.

I whipped a kid with a belt in 5th Grade.

Someone just IP ban this dude, if you don't then you'll regret that.

when i was like 5 i'd stick my tongue on both prongs of a 9v battery and then wonder what the flash of light and pain was
shit tasted good though

Grade 7, playing football on an icy field because glorious Canadian spring. Tried to slide between my friend's legs, ended up forehead slamming him in the balls at full running speed.

Unrelated to me, but happened a few seconds after while we were both groaning in pain, the football which had been lost in this fiasco rocketed down from the heavens and hit him in the balls again.

Don't people do this intentionally to test if it still has a charge?

A punched a kid as hard as I could in kindergarten.

I got my card changed to yellow D:

Pulled a teachers hair once in highschool cus i thought she was wearing a wig... boy was i wrong

Broke in some new apartments with a friend only to find a security guy waiting for us on the way out (we just ran away)

1 night out, got pissdrunk & high as a kite, got lapdance from random girl, vandalized some stuff, almost got arrested for lighting up fireworks next to police, took a random (locked) bike and placed it in my friends backyard, which he sold to his uncle 1 week later for a crate of beer (not sure if translated corrected but this is what i mean http://goo.gl/h34Ek )

Case of beer is what you mean.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2NzUm7UEEIY#t=1m58s

When I was in like 6th grade I sold pink colored aspirin in a bag, and sold them to these kids who acted like hardasses all the time. We ended up getting called to the office and the school police officer hand cuffed everyone but me because I'm not a fucking idiot and didn't show off pills to friends under a camera. They never really got arrested or anything they got suspended for like a week and I made a quick 50 dollars. I proceeded to drop the money on video games. All in all it was really dumb though, but those kids deserved it, they were fucking assholes.

I played soccer in high school and everyone dreaded the day we had to drive all the way to Jamestown (1 hour drive) to play our game, then proceed to drive all the way back. On a school night. The only good part about it though is that we got free Burger King on our way home. So pretty much everyone including myself got a huge ass meal, and because it was Burger King you got free refills of your drink while you were eating there. So I drank and ate a lot. Burger King is also the last place to piss and shit before we drove the rest of the way home and for some reason I didn't utilize the opportunity my sophomore year.

So needless to say I really had to piss after about 5 minutes back on the bus. After holding it in for about 10 minutes it became unbearable and I whipped out my Gatorade bottle (and my wee wee), and pissed in it. It felt great. However my friend jokingly said something along the lines of "dude you should throw it out the window". For some reason I thought it was hilarious and proceeded to cap the bottle. As I was doing this my friend opened the window and pretty much the entire back half of the bus knew what was up. Thankfully my coach sat in the front so at the time I thought I was good to go.

So basically I'm sitting there with a Gatorade bottle about half full of piss, and a bunch of giggling teenagers egging me on to try and hit the bus behind us (the varsity team). After a brief moment of trying to relax and throw it as swiftly as possible I chucked it out the window without looking back, and all we could hear was a thump of it hitting the bus behind us. Everyone was laughing hysterically to the point where my friend sitting next to me threw up all over himself. I swear to god I almost shit my pants I was laughing so hard.

The bus pulled over in front of the varsity bus that now was lightly salted with my piss. Our busdriver made my friend clean up his puke and throw it in the woods while the varsity coach (who was fucking irate) was on our bus talking to our junior varsity coach about what just happened. We were basically told to shut the fuck up and just wait until we got back to our school, "one of you idiots is going to be in massive trouble". I was scared shitless, but still giggling a little.

When we got back to the school we all were called into the locker room and we were basically interrogated by both coaches. Literally no one said a word. We had to run Indian runs* every practice day for the rest of the season (ranging from 1-5 miles) because of it. People were pissed about it but everyone now has that memory of when Kurt threw a bottle of piss out of the fucking bus. That was by far the dumbest thing I've ever done.

* http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=indian%20run

I went through customs with a marijuana leaf sewed onto my ball cap with a carry-on bag containing at least 5 lighters and two large, soft, semi-rectangular paper packages. The day didn't end well.

i got ridiculously drunk when doing a tf2 stream, according to the people who watched the 8 hour plus stream i was shirtless for at least 3 hours of it, asked some random chick i met on steam a week before to marry me and bare my children, fell out of my chair multiple times and alot of other stupid things. the stream never ended because i was so drunk i couldn't even see my computer screen from 1 inch away and i ended up turning it off when i woke up the next day with half my bed covered in puke. needless to say i don't plan on ever doing a drunken tf2 stream again , or for that matter drinking that much again.

if anyone's curious i deleted the stream outta shame sorry,

I was making steamed potstickers, and when they were ready to steam, I stupidly dumped water on boiling oil... hehe
there were big flames, burnt potstickers, and the shit scared out of lil' bubba

i've pissed off the side of a boat a couple times

also microwaved ramen noodles with no water and ended up smoking the place up