https://i.imgur.com/gfqSqRB.jpg

:/

please delete this, it's too real

shoutout to every1 else sitting in their bedrooms on new years

3 days ago
"Hi dad. Haven't seen you in a couple months. Plans for NYE already? If not, how about we go watch the fireworks again like we've been doing the past 3 years?"
"I don't know yet, son. Might have work, I can't really tell yet."
"No problem, I'll send you a text on NYE once I get out of work"
"Sure thing!"

Today, 4 hours after sending text. no reply. almost 9pm

ive just been feeling so sad lately

Hey everyone. I'm sure many of you know me by name for my actions and words than my merit, but since there's likely people who have joined this community since I took a hiatus from our game I'd like to give a quick synopsis of myself to those people who may not know me or know my reputation in the community.

Being as blunt and honest as possible, I was an individual who struggled with toxicity and an overinflated ego. I considered myself to be a player way beyond my caliber, I was incredibly rude and toxic to many people, both strangers and people I considered dear friends. I made jokes and comments that often included sexist/racist remarks, I tore down people for my own amusement, I verbally abused people simply to get out my own anger of not being where I should've been mechanically considering my time invested in the game.

After roughly three to four years playing competitive TF2 (Season 18 - Season 27), I told many that I was quitting TF2 for Quake Champions out of boredom and lack of interest with TF2, but that wasn't the whole story. There's a lot of things I haven't shared with people concerning my mental health and well-being. Not many people know I lost my mother to cancer in 2010, long before I found my way here. Not many people know that I've dealt with bouts of severe depression and suicidal tendencies stemming from that event. Not many people know about my subsequent dropping out of college following her death. Not many people know that I tried to take my own life once during the course of my time playing ESEA TF2. I haven't ever told anyone about my bouts with alcoholism and how debilitating it became.

I left the community because partly because of the reputation I put together for myself and how irreparable I deemed it, but I also left because I was in a very dark place and needed to get myself away from the obligations of ESEA TF2 and put myself into a group of people who I wasn't very familiar with, making it easier to hide my pain and my issues from them like I have from people here. I haven't ever really talked to anyone about these issues out of fear of being seen as weak or mentally unstable and subsequently being judged harshly.

I've since gotten a lot of mental help from friends and family and seen a therapist for my issues with depression. I still regrettably drink but not to any extent I did before. I started playing TF2 again recently due to a lapse in events and organized play in Quake Champions and felt that if I truly do want to be a part of this community again that I would have to face my fears and exercise my demons. I know I was a terrible person in the past who has done and said things that likely can't ever be forgiven, but all I'm asking for from you all is a second chance to show people that I've reformed myself and I'm committed to being a better person than I ever was.

Sincerely, James "viper" Montgomery

ill say it here, you were very toxic towards me calling me a rapist/retard/etc. and whatnot and said things that were completely untrue even if they were jokes it kind of made me mad/and sad. And it really hurt my feelings because other people (your friends/people around you would pick up on it and tease me about meeting and hanging out with certain people at rewind 1). Honestly im adult so i handled the situation, by just not talking to you ever again. But its like it seems like a waste of a potential friendship or something, by immediately just blocking/muting someone,but i had to do it. Sorry about that. I wanted to let you know that i still don't hate you for it. Because i am very blunt and honest as well you have to do something really bad for me to hate you.I wanted to write this because i wanted to make you aware , because every time i see you in game or mumble i never want to talk to you, because of how you treated me.

You seemed honest in your post, and i hope things are going well for you now. If you ever want to talk hmu.

Feels like my rsi is getting worse and it's kinda scary to think that I'm compromising my health for this game, I still don't want to take a break just yet, I enjoy scrims, officials, dm and pubs and I want to improve so when I quit I can quit for good without feeling like I didn't reach my goal. I'm feeling time pressured since I want to improve enough to get on a good team for LAN and really prove people wrong in case it's my last LAN. My team doesn't scrim 5 days a week and I know I can't force others to commit to such a thing so I try to fill the void with pugs and mixes where I don't enjoy it 90% of the time. I think the slight pain of my rsi makes me want to rush my improvement even further so I don't end up being unable to reach my goal because I wasted time in other games or by not practicing in order to get better.
I feel like I've also become more cynical and bitter towards things whereas before I would just try to remain positive no matter what, I wouldn't say I'm the worst offender of being toxic but I feel like I've become incredibly toxic relative to what I was a few years ago. I contradict myself a bit since even though I feel a bit bad about how I react to some situations nowadays I still feel that I should be allowed to react in such manners.

Do you do regular stretches and shit for your hand/wrist? Also have you considered trying out a different mouse from whatever you use now?

I used to use the original FK and it fucking killed my wrist to the point that I stopped playing for a while, went to a much bigger mouse (g400s) and was perfectly fine playing with 0 pain again.

Yes, I also recently switched from a g400s to a Mionix Naos as my hands are a bit big (or at the very least, my fingers are long) and since I palm grip a lot it's been nice to rest my hand and fingers without scratching my mousepad.
I started noticing in my right arm when i played with 60cm/360 and have since switched to 21cm/360

just checked/recieved my college admissions letters and i've been rejected from every single uni that I genuinely wanted to get into except for one, and that other one has me waitlisted, which from what i am able to tell from the statistics of people on the waitlist that get accepted is practically the same as being rejected. after spending so much time and energy doing the best i can in school and putting a fuckton of effort and time on my applications to the point of having a mental breakdown and now being told that it was all for nothing fucking hurts.

My psychiatrist suspects that I'm on the spectrum and thusly struggle with finding and maintaining relationships, among many other things.

At the same, I struggle with autophobia and my thoughts quickly spiral into near insanity when I'm left alone. This is very frustrating.

Regardless, finally being diagnosed and receiving the mental care that I need is a relieving thought. Many years of my life have been lost because of my confusion.

Does anyone else have these constant cringing flashbacks to everything you are not proud of, regret or moments that embarrassed you? Every fucking day when I'm alone I'm just mentally repeating everything wrong with my life and everything that's pathetic about my existence.

I would't say mine are constant, but when my mind isn't doing anything I'll sometimes remember cringe shit i did. Whether it's years ago or recently doesn't really matter. And if i dont stop myself my mind will start going from one moment to the next making a big ol list.

I think it's healthy tbh. And focussing on something else stops it quickly.

isn’t this normal lol chill
regardless, a nice way to look at it is that by cringing about it, it shows that you’ve grown as a person

i dont know if it shows that tbh, because im still socially retarded and would make the same mistakes in conversations or other situations as i did. its led to a point where i literally never initiate talking with people at all and im just sitting alone in silence constantly. all i can think of while i do it is how pathetic i am for not talking to people, how pathetic i am for choosing to go home and cry in my bed over socializing with people i dont know. and every second that passes where i dont talk to people i feel more and more ashamed over myself, the anxiety gets worse, and it gets even harder to talk. the semester has started and during the 4 first week i havent even eaten lunch with anyone yet, because im too ashamed and anxious to join someone. yes im trying to get help but my first meeting is in 11 days and i just needed to vent some.

your cringiness in conversations sticks in your head a lot more than it does in the other person's. i highly doubt anyone even remembers any of those mistakes you made talking to them so theres no need to stress yourself about them

my name jeff

It gets easier collaide. When I was younger I'd *constantly* second guess myself and agonize over my actions. Part of that process is figuring out who you actually are and what you believe - and knowing what you want out of a given situation. That comes with time. Part of the reason we fixate on that stuff when you're younger is because you're trying to figure those sorts of things out. I won't say I don't still screw up or say the wrong things, but I get over it a lot faster.

If you really do fuck up and offend somebody, then take ownership of it and apologize if you don't want to end that particular relationship. I have run into cohorts who are socially awkward and *also* irresponsible so they tend to find themselves isolated because they not only offend people, accidentally, but then they don't seem to process why or even that the other party has a right to be offended.

The real downside to being old is encountering the perpetually grumpy folks that inhabit so many adult spaces lol.

thanks marxist

anyone ever done the "let's isolate myself from society even if I don't want to" thing for a month only to feel bad when you come back to reality

Yeah I usually do that every year from Halloween to Christmas because I don't have any friends in real life and it's really hard to think of shit that will force me to go outside and be around people when it's freezing and there's a foot of snow on the ground. Then combine that with seeing everyone else around me be so happy and excited for the holidays, and it just makes me want to crawl into a hole in the ground and disappear forever. The only advice I can give is to not beat yourself up about it, because while it might seem obvious to you now that you aren't doing yourself any good by shutting everyone else out, it's important to remember that when you're in that frame of mind, how incredibly difficult it is to even just imagine a way, or a reason, to come back. Being depressed is one thing, but making it worse by blaming yourself for being depressed is a bad way to go.

This year I decided to try read more than I had been, and I think I read some stuff that helped me get over myself a little bit. Among a lot of other stuff, I started getting really into David Foster Wallace. I'd been kind of peripherally aware of DFW and what he was all about from osmosis and slick YouTube™ Video Essays™, but when I sat down to actually read him it kind of blew my mind because it was like reading the contents of my own brain. I think the best introduction is probably This Is Water:

Essentially, he's about stripping away the layers and layers of irony and bullshit and all the other junk that we put between our "real" selves and rest of the world and all the people in it, and really trying to just be authentic with people. And realizing that even if you fail, you didn't fail because you're a bad person, but because communicating with people in a real, authentic, genuine, non-bullshit way is really, tremendously, mind-bogglingly hard, because it turns out that we just aren't built for that kind of sitting down and talking to someone. We need the layers of bullshit. They're as much a part of us as the "real" part that we're protecting with them. And once you know that they're there, and that everyone else has got just as many layers to protect themselves, you can really start to get to the heart of whatever other problems you have with people.

sorry if this was kinda rambly and masturbatory. Just know that you ain't alone out there, and you can get over whatever hole you may or may not find yourself in right now.

anybody else have difficulty making friends due to a crippling fear of being annoying every time you try to talk to somebody? i can message someone nonstop for a couple weeks and then stop suddenly because i think im probably annoying them and that they never wanted to talk to me to begin with

I have literally the exact same problem and I have no clue how to fix it.

pootis gangnam style

So couple quick things about making friends:
1st. Most people don't like messaging first. Getting over THAT is the biggest hurdle most people face. Messaging people first shows that you're interested in talking to them. Do they engage with the convo most of the time? Does it feel like they enjoy talking to you? Then they probably do. Don't assume they don't want to talk to you unless they say it or don't respond for over 4 weeks. Also it's fine to just send a "Hey, how's it going? Hope you're doing well" People like to think others are thinking of them. It doesn't need to spark into a longer convo.
2nd. Best way to make friends with people is to be friendly. What does that mean? Act like you've been friends for a while already. Don't like hit them with your deepest interests, but act like you've been friends for 4 months already. Say Hey to them when you see them. Message first and just message to see how they are.
Hopefully this helps. And if you're biggest issue is wondering if they find you annoying, then you've already conquered the first big hurdle :)

I think the best way to approach this from your side is to make sure you send fewer, potentially longer messages rather than a bunch of small sentences, that makes me annoyed for sure with the notification sound blasting. Just be concise with your points and the rest kind of falls into place, from my own experience at least. Keep the mind set that some people on the other end don't know how to start conversations due to the same problem of thinking they are being annoying. As the post above states since you're conscious of your actions then you are already making head room. This is all easier said than done but you can do it for sure.
(Seems like we Canucks like to help each other)

I was supposed to be at LAN right now with my friends.
I was doing just fine the past couple weeks of quarantine but the past 2 hours have hit really hard.
Every day is the same. Realizing how different the next couple days were supposed to be. But now it's all just nothing.

My life for the past year and a half or so has vastly improved. I'd say my depression that I've had for the past 6 years has almost faded away. Stable job, little stress at work, combining work with classes that are going well, more social (and hopefully likeable) person.
But right now I feel it coming back. The days right now feel exactly the same as back then.

I miss my friends. And I don't know when I'll be able to see them again

edit: Talking to friends through discord the past couple days has made me recover some of my sanity. I'll be okay

I have no awareness when it comes to how others feel lol. I guess I have a lot of friends irl cause of my idgaf attitude but I’ve noticed a lot of these friendships aren’t that deep (apart from like 3 ppl) because I don’t really open up to them and they don’t open up to me because they think idc or something. Every girl I’ve ever been a thing with claims I don’t like them back or care bout em but my question is how tf am I supposed to know if you’re upset or how you’re feeling if you don’t tell me? I am a deep person and have a quite unique perspective of things imo but I tend to only see things from that perspective and immediately label someone as retarded or too emotional if they happen to have a slightly different view. Doesn’t help that my friends are kind of like cult fans and I mean this in the best way possible, basically ‘yes’ people so I don’t really have opposing challenging perspectives to broader my understanding of things and life in general. I also hate really emotional people like some of my niggas be trippin bout shit that don’t fucin matter or about a bitch that’s ran threw anyway. I also kind of do things that aren’t really socially acceptable(gives me a idgaf vibe to others) and I’m self aware enough to know that people like me a lot more than I like them and it kinda makes me feel bad/fake cuz ion feel like a real friend to them. I’m also lazy af when it comes to replying on messages or Snapchat so the boys think I’m ignoring them like bruh I don’t have to talk to ur goofy ahh everyday

TLDR
Not aware of how others feel, don’t really care to be aware, slightly affects my relationships but I’m content with myself for now to not really make an effort to change

So my dad just returned from the vet, with my cat inside of a cardboard box. She had been sick for like a week, but we couldn't imagine that it was so bad.

Now I'm just sitting here sobbing and writing this instead of working, but I cba to do anything else right now. My last memory of her is just her crying and pissing inside of the pet carrier. I'm so sorry that it ended this way Miky, you were the best cat someone could ever had, sweet and cuddly. Rest easy babe, you were the greatest of all warriors.

https://i.imgur.com/MUNSLXH.jpg