I've had a friend who was on the verge of suicide multiple times in the last 5 years. First of all to clarify for you in this case you have the right to decide if you live or die. No one will ever tell you that suicide is the answer. Loved ones will miss you, but don't feel pressured to stay in this world because of that. Decide to live in this world because death is scary, death is final, and you don't get to say oh yea I would rather live mid jump into traffic. Decide to live because living is literally everything, existing is everything and you don't want to be nothing right?

In terms of taking greater risks some people might say you are doing things that make you more alive then others. I'm not particularly one to agree, but I sit on my ass and play video games as a passion.

Friends that ditch you because you are suicidal are not really strong friends, It's really upsetting especially if most of your friends have ditched you because of that, but realize that you are most likely better off without them.

Ive battled OCD for the last 10 years of my life. The best thing you can do to fix that shit is to talk to someone who has the same ocd tendencies as you, and share experiences. That is the only thing that has even somewhat helped me function normally in 10 years of battling this stupid shit. Also realize that ocd tendencies often mean that you are more intelligent then most so you have something to be proud of in that regard.

Thoughts about murder can range from the every day "oh if I killed him how would it effect the world and my life" to "I want to kill people because it would make me feel better" They also range in seriousness. If you feel that you cant control yourself enough to not murder someone you need to inform the authorities and ask to be taken into custody. That's really serious shit, and you have no right to end someones life like that.

In terms of drug abuse you might look to medical marijuana as a solution to these things. I have heard it can help with ocd though I have yet to try it. Just be careful to not be admitted to the Psyche ward when talking to your doctor. Don't do hard drugs, Think you have no control now? You will have 0 when you are fucking cracked out.

If nothing I have said has helped so be it, but this is my two cents. I'm here for you might be bullshit from your so-called friends, but I can tell you that personally that's not true, and I'm sure many other members of this community actually are here to help. If you want someone to talk to about this, that has undergone the same feelings, I can put you in touch with my friend who had the suicidal thoughts.

Sincerely

Nicholas (Rastsy) C.

it gets better

what do you want to talk about

were all ears

What asshole was post #2?

2:15 AM - SogeKingPrime: http://teamfortress.tv/thread/16746/suicide
2:16 AM - SogeKingPrime: I want to say something but I'm a bit scared
2:16 AM - SogeKingPrime: of what I might say might impact him to take action or not
2:16 AM - SogeKingPrime: you always have good thinking and know what to say so pls help
2:18 AM - Renhet: I have dealt with/been dealing with depression. It's hard for someone outside that specific person's mind to say something that will really help that person. Depression also affects different people differently, so it's similarly hard to apply your own experiences to someone else's. In truth, I don't think there's a lot to say that he will find meaningful unless someone can have a heart-to-heart with him to get it all out and see his entire view, because as it is you can't offer anything more personal than what he is tired of hearing: "I'm here for you"
2:19 AM - SogeKingPrime: you should post that o;

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I don't think people being incapable of providing the help you need means they care less for you than you would like. I just think it's hard for people to respond properly to something they can't physically see or experience for themselves just the way you do. I have no insight into your personal life from your post really, but I would want to argue that people absolutely care about you and WANT to help, they're just as lost as you are. My dad still denies that depression even exists, but that isn't because he doesn't love me or doesn't want me to be happy, he just doesn't "get it."

I've thought about suicide before. I decided that it wouldn't solve anything. I wouldn't be happier than I was or am, just dead. And what does that do for anybody? There's too many things I want to do, and probably too many things that you want to do, to throw away the only chance you've got.

I'm not trying to give you the same patronizing shit, I'm not trying to say there's any excuse or easy road to getting better; there isn't. I think I'm just trying to say that, to a degree, I understand a bit of what you may be feeling. Working through or around depression is tough, but it is absolutely worth it.

If drugs are not working for you, have you tried any (perhaps major) changes in lifestyle?

i said "2 am wasnt a great time to talk about this and that he should probably just go to bed" but i decided the post would be better off nuked just because if boogie really wanted somebody to listen and if he was really feeling upset its not my call and we should try to hear him out or pay attention to what hes saying because its probably really god damn important

like i said, you got a pretty caring community here whos open to discussion, so what do you want to chat about

my life has been very secret to the community as of late. i was gone from below avg last season because i got arrested at the golden gate bridge and was at a psych ward for 2 weeks. Then I tried ODing on 100 25mg pills of benadryl a month later. I didnt die, but i came very close to it and spent another while at the psych ward. then I tried to OD again on ativan and spent a weekend at the psych ward. I am serious with what i posted. There is one reason im still alive and its my puppy. if i didnt have a dog, i wouldnt have hesitated at the bridge or i would have taken 3x more pills than I did. A part of me wanted to live I guess, but its a cycle. I get better just so I can feel worse later on. No matter what I do, Im still alone. I still have shit for friends. and i still keep thinking of bad things.

Ah, my bad, thought someone said something much worse and got upset.

i feel like you need another outlet for your frustrations

i personally have felt extremely suicidal in the past to the point where i had to stay in a mental hospital overnight for a very serious case of depression, but i am glad i did not do anything stupid because otherwise i wouldn't be enjoying myself today. everyone who is dealing with shit has their own story to tell, so what i did and what others did to overcome their depressive thoughts probably won't work the exact same way for you, but finding something positive to focus all the negative energy into really helped me. my outlet was school lol

there are a lot of people out there who do risky things for enjoyment, but usually they are chasing an adrenaline high over doing things for no purpose. i think you just need to try as many new things as you possibly can until you find something you really like to do, and focus everything on it

i would highly recommend you really rethink about your thoughts on murder, because taking a life is a very serious choice and probably one of the most wrong things you could possibly do while feeling like shit. it would seriously be a full on spiral towards oblivion if you go down that path, and if you really think about any past mistakes you did, were the mistakes and regrets ever really worth any of that

murder is a mistake that will follow you for the rest of your life and will haunt every path you take forever

also another big thing you could do is just try to move out of where you're living and try to have a change of perspective

if all the people around you are shitty, you could always try another part of the world to live in

i'm sure there are some people in the world that are worth living for, it's just that you haven't met them yet

boogie

what do you like?

what do you love?

what makes you tick?

you mention that you didnt kill yourself over the fact that you have a puppy, but is there anything else you consider to be a big passion/part of your life that you enjoy putting time into?

It may or may not be for you, but I've always found nature is enormously calming for me, and really helps me feel better, no matter what the issue is. Yosemite is not far from San Fransisco, and it is absolutely gorgeous there. I would suggest getting out for an afternoon of sunshine, fresh air, and just get away from people for a little while.

It's amazing what a little self reflection can do for you while you're soaking up some rays and enjoying the sight of some magnificent mountains or waterfalls.

I hope you figure things out though, I wish I could help more.

hey chaaz, that is upsetting news, I'm sorry things have been that way for you. I remember you were always good with music. Really good actually. I remember a vid from LAN with you on guitar that opened my eyes and inspired me to revisit guitar playing (something I hadn't done in a long while because of certain associations I had with it) I still play to this day, so I sort of owe you for that.

I find sub-creating—working the creative juices and putting them into projects—to be one of the most wonderful things in this life. Probably not what you are looking to hear. But I would be interested to see you compose some tunes, and work that passion into a tangible thing you know you made. To be a maker in that sense is something not everyone has a talent to do, long for it they may. It's somewhat of a special thing I would be interested in seeing you dive into some more.

I know you already have, but that is just my take on it. I would say suicide is not the answer. I had a relationship with a girl who went through something similar with what you are dealing with. Not as extreme, but she was suicidal and tried numerous times to poison herself. It was a very scary time. She is married now, has a child, and is living an awesome life. I bring this up because of your comment about your puppy. Dogs are great, but there is more to life in that way. You could be a father some day, and that could change your entire world. That might be a bad answer. It might be the best answer. But it's true.

Anyone can pull through it. You can pull through it. The poor English major in me wants to recommend you pick up reading for fun. Reading can do wonders for certain anxieties and compulsive thoughts.

I always liked you, and like I said, admired your talents. I don't want to see you down in this way. I hope you find a good point of focus. Feel better.

it will get better, i guarantee you that! you should be proud of yourself to put this all out there on a forum of any type!

i 100% hope you get through this, and I'm sure the rest of us hope the same!

plobs

The antipsychotics could be causing or worsening suicidal or violent thoughts. It happened to me. Are you on abilify?

Look for something in you that makes you love life. There really has to be something that kept you going all this while. Take inspiration in it, because suicide is never an answer, its just destroying yourself and whatever you have put so much effort into :)

You only get to live once, so no matter how bad it gets nothing is worth leaving. I don't believe in an afterlife so no matter what crappy card you were dealt with, I say run with it. Enjoy the crap out of life. Party it up when you can, experience everything and take the good with the bad because you will get both just like the rest of us. And as others have said, it does get better.

Everyone does some sort of drug, be it smoking, drinking, coffee or herbs. I personally don't think there's anything wrong with having a vice you enjoy to help pass time.

I spoke to around 20 people last year who attempted suicide for an article, and they all agreed that after they recovered from depression, they felt like they had been seeing things in tunnel vision the whole time. They felt they had no friends or anyone who genuinely cared. I think you should try speaking to some people who beat depression. If a group isn't your thing then you can always just ask to hang out with someone from a group. People who have been through it are always the most helpful. Also well done for having the guts to put this up here and not trying to hide it and pretend you don't have a problem.

If your dog is keeping you positive it might be wise to look into how you can turn that into a more major part of your lifestyle. Taking up care of animals and being a responsible breeder is pretty admirable.

Drugs do not fix the underlying cause, they merely mask it. Like Renhet/Fox said which was the best advice I felt.. MAJOR lifestyle changes. What do you currently have going on in your life that makes you feel good? And on the flip side, what has happened in your life that makes you feel bad?

Think of getting a rash on your arm. You go to the doctor to get a cream to get rid of it. It comes back. You go back to the doctor and get another cream to get rid of it. It comes back again. How many times will he just prescribe you the cream instead of taking the time to find out what's causing the rash in the first place? Unfortunately this is where doctors don't do their entire jobs properly in some cases. Medication isn't always the answer.

It seems that a lot of people down on themselves spend a lot of time on the computer. A computer is an easy answer because it's a "safe" escape. It's very difficult to keep real life friends when you're always on the computer. This goes back to lifestyle changes. Make new hobbies, new friends, find a new outlet to escape into that's more sociable. Meet women. If this doesn't seem possible to you then you should spend your time on how to make it possible. Suicide is never the answer. I had a really messed up childhood and dealt with a lot of stuff myself especially in my younger years which still haunt me to this day. I've learned to deal with them over time though. If you want to add me on steam go for it. I think I may be able to help. The absolute worst thing you could do is keep it all stuffed inside of you waiting for it to boil over the top. It was a great idea to at least come out on the forums. Psychiatrists won't help unless you really #1 open up, #2 really want to get better, and #3 follow their advice to a tee.

The saddest part about people who take their own lives, is not realizing how many people show up to the wake to show that people did care about you. It doesn't need to go that far to realize it. Just a simple change in perspective and behaviours.

If you haven't already told the people that prescribed the medications to you, that you are continuing to have violent/suicidal thoughts you need to tell them asap. I don't know how old you are but that "side-effect" is extremely common with anti-depressants in teens and early 20's types(ironically). I had a cousin who had anxiety problems and the anti-anxiety meds caused her to spiral into a deep depression which ultimately ended in suicide where no depression was present prior - it came on so fast nobody could really do anything about it.

If you find that your therapist isn't helping - if you're using insurance, you need to talk about possibly changing doctors/therapists - you'll find that some people are just better than others (as in all things) and maybe that'd help too.

you're one of the nicest guys that has ever rang for my team

Different psychiatrists can really be a huge difference. Sometimes talking to the same person can put you in a rut, and different opinions might just hit that spot. Please know that somewhere, someone would be devastated.

boogie, my former hostile faction teammate, it aint worth it. Posting here might give you some much needed feedback and attention, but you really need professional help. If your therapist isn't helping find a new one.

Well I think at the very least it shows that you've got 20+ people willing to lend a compassionate ear even at 5 a.m. eastern time. It can be nice to know you've always got people here for you.

If your dog is the primary source of happiness for you, then why don't you try to expose yourself to that positive stimulus under different conditions?

Volunteer work or even employment at a facility that deals with puppies/dogs every day might give you something new to wake up to in the morning. I think that working at a kennel could be a therapeutic job for you.

Adding further purpose to living might be a good idea if you're looking for a starting point. It seems like you are having issues engaging with your environment at even the most basic levels, and that "disconnect" could be causing emotional problems. The fact that your friends haven't always been there are making it worse for you.

Hang in there. Life surprises you. No matter how hopeless things may seem, they simply cannot stay the same forever. Fight for yourself, touch the world.

I wish I could go into my own experience with depression, but suffice to say, I know what you're going through, and I promise, it will be ok and you will be a stronger, better person for this hardship. Someday you may value these times for where they take you.

Hey chaaz,

I can't claim to have any personal experiences nearly as bad as yours, and every instance of depression and how it can be handled varies from person to person, but I have noticed a common denominator in friends and acquaintances who have gotten past depression. Every friend I've had who was depressed and dug them selves out started doing something they loved. Some started lifting, some started building engines and restoring cars, others tried to get really good at vidja games or programming, all of them eventually stopped feeling suicidal because their life had purpose.

This is extremely hard to see when you are suicidal. if the world has no meaning to you finding meaning is understandably impossible. That said, I emplore you to try to find a passion, something that, as Mason put it, "makes you tick". Find something that forces you to think about it and get your mind off your problems.

I wish you the best dude, as idiotic as the community can be sometimes I think Mason's show of maturity in this thread shows the way most of us feel when it comes to this topic.

P.S.: there's also the 4chan "the world is your oyster" pasta if you want another way of looking at things.

main thing i remember from you is your covers on youtube. they were really good and I actually was trying to find them just now

you're a cool/talented dude. ill be letting method know about all this since i know you havent bene in contact with him in a long time

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OA_9N9C3fYA

hehe !