Chaaz, as a nurse, if your therapist and psychiatrist are not actually helping you, please look for different doctors. You're incredibly brave for going to doctors, taking medication, and reaching out to people. It's very frustrating when you're doing everything you can and trying so hard to feel better, without getting any relief.

I can't/won't give medical advice over the internet, but there are so many things that leaped out at me from your post. First of all, you're a person with hopes, interests, and struggles, like anyone else. You are not your illnesses. You deserve to be as happy and healthy as possible.

If your therapist isn't helping you for whatever reason—you don't trust them enough to open up, you don't feel heard, the things they say aren't helpful to you—find one who will. There are many different types of therapists and therapies, and finding what works for you can be the difference between night and day. Cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT), which is basically identifying thoughts that lead to unhealthy behaviors and developing coping methods to overcome them, helps a lot of people with anxiety and mood disorders, but it doesn't help everyone because people are unique and have different needs. Ultimately, the point of therapy is to help YOU; if it isn't, keep looking, because you deserve to get the support you need.

I don't know the exact medications you're on, but if your suicidal thoughts and depression have increased over the last few months, something is wrong and should be addressed immediately. You mentioned being on different meds—antipsychotics can increase suicidal thoughts. Please tell your psychiatrist if your current medication has made you feel worse. It should NOT do that. It must be so frustrating to try different medications, experience side effects that can be unpleasant, and not feel helped by any of them. Major depression and OCD are illnesses, and there IS a treatment that can help you, but finding the right medication and dosage may take time. Your health is worth the time and effort.

I'm not just pushing more doctors and meds; I'm encouraging you to use every resource at your disposal. Health is holistic: it's your mind and body, your emotional and physical well-being. Do the things that make you feel happy and more stable, from running to playing TF2 with friends to playing the guitar to taking your puppy for walks every day. No single thing constitutes your illness and no single thing will lead to your wellness, but pursuing your passions, keeping your body active, and spending time with the people and things you love will greatly help.

One of the most difficult aspects of illness is how isolated it can make you feel. When people say things like, "I'm here," what they're really saying is, "I care." That doesn't mean they know how to help you, and not knowing how to help you doesn't mean they don't care. It means that if they haven't gone through what you're going through, it can be very difficult for them to relate. Some of them may be scared, and disappear. Some of them might want to be there for you, but not know how. You mentioned your mom and sister. They, and more people than you realize, including complete strangers, care immensely about what you're going through. It might be helpful to try group therapy or meetings, where you can listen and talk to other people who can relate to your struggles.

I can't say strongly enough that suicide, drug abuse, and murder is not the right answer. Please do not harm yourself or others. If you feel like you are imminently going to, STOP and call for help first. 1-800-273-8255 is the national suicide prevention line. Suicide and murder won't make anything better for you; they'll make things infinitely worse. Please don't let it get to that point: get the help and treatment that you need and aren't getting, ASAP. Call your psychiatrist today. Look for a group meeting today. Go to the park with your puppy and call your mom and tell her that you're struggling a lot, today. Mental health is a scale. There is no tipping point that denotes "sane" or "crazy". This may be a time when you feel worse. You CAN feel better again.

You posted here because some part of you does care. Reaching out is incredibly difficult. You called it a battle, and it is. It must be exhausting at times, but the mere fact that you're here right now is a victory. You're fighting for your life, your health, and your happiness, and ultimately, there is nothing more important than that. Please get the support you need to help you with your battle.

Sorry that this is so long, but you sound like you're really hurting Chaaz, and you should know that you're not in it alone.

One of my favorite quotes from Sagan: “Every one of us is, in the cosmic perspective, precious. If a human disagrees with you, let him live. In a hundred billion galaxies, you will not find another.” In a hundred billion galaxies, there won't be another you. Please don't give up, or harm yourself or others.

Hey Chaaz.

I know we've talked about this abstractly before. I hope I gave you a little more to go on than "I'm here for you" but it's hard when we're just e-friends.

But I want to emphasize a few things: In this thread it's been brought up that depression is a different beast for everyone. It's hard for people (especially people who aren't extremely close to you) to know what you need. We need YOU to tell us what you need. People are here to help, and assuming that everyone would/does just bail on you isn't true. I know I've thought a lot about our conversation.

Outside of the things we've talked about privately (which I really hope that you still think about), I want you to remember that there's no way you can understand the gravity of the choice that you're contemplating if you're in a rough state of mind. Thing of all the shitty decisions people make in their lives just because they're boozed up, etc, and in a bad situation. They aren't capable of pulling themselves out of those situations alone. It's not in human nature, Chaaz.

Lastly, I want you to remember that one thing I never want to do is go on facebook and see this bad news about you. I don't want to have to inform a community that you once really loved and that I know still greatly respects you that you won't be coming back. That's just us. That's what WE know of you. We don't even know you in real life, and we can empathize this much. As nice as you've always been to me, ALWAYS, I know that things are better than you make them. You're just having a hard time seeing them.

Love you man. I'm thinking about you.

I think everything here is on the right track.

The biggest thing is that nobody is going to convince you suicide is/isn't the answer; you're going to have to figure that part out on your own. Sucky, 100%, but I really think you're the only one who can really decide. We all are just trying to help you reach that answer.

That being said, I don't think suicide is the right move for you; not because I think it's wrong or anything, but because it doesn't seem like you really want to die. It seems more like you want something different/better out of life. Just as other people brought up, you seem to have reasoning for why you shouldn't leave your life behind.

I learned in school that, when suicidal people went to see him, psychiatrist Viktor Frankl would ask "Why don't you kill yourself?" It was a genuine question, and one you seem to have answers for: you're afraid of death, you have a rad puppy, and you still have people you care about/that care about you. Not to mention this community: unless I'm grossly mistaken, I think you're a very respected and talented player just among us, and it would be an awful loss if you left our small competitive community.

All that being said, I started reading a book linking scientific studies to being happier in general, and although I'm not too far in, it's already been fairly insightful. I know your OCD and everything must be absolutely terrible to deal with, but the best way to feel better about life is to focus on the positives. Other people have mentioned that talking your issues out with other people can help, and it can a little bit, but there's something that seems to have been proven more powerful: writing things down.

If you're looking for something to actually try, there's a one-week journal type thing they recommend where you write about some positive things every day for 5 days, and I found it actually was pretty useful for me. Monday: 3 things you're grateful for; Tuesday: describe one of the best times of your life in detail; Wednesday: imagine who you want to be in the future, what goals you want to achieve, and write about who you are after achieving everything; Thursday: think about someone really important to you, that you truly care for, and write as if you were telling them how important they are to you; Friday: finally, think about the previous week and write about 3 things that went well for you (these can be as simple as having a good night of TF2 or as meaningful as actually feeling better about your life).

That probably sounds kind of stupid/weird/whatever, but it really does help and you only need to do it for one week to actually feel better. If it does work and you feel better, and a few days or even weeks from now you start feeling down again, try it again for a week to boost yourself back up. It doesn't take a lot of time and could help you a lot in the long run.

[Anyway, I think it's really cool that you came to all of us for support, and that everyone here has been really helpful, because it shows just how great this community is. For all the shit talking and minus fragging and bandwagonning we do around it, it's awesome to see that at the end of the day we can drop it all when things get serious. I really hope things get better for you chaaz.

chaaz, you've had more of a positive impact in the world than you can comprehend.

you have a lot of people who know and love you who would miss you. life is suffering, but we make it a little easier by being there for each other.

i dont think anyone will ever say suicide is justified. i lost all of my friends for basically the same reason you did. the friends you're calling "useless" probably just don't know how to help you, its very hard to help someone who constantly thinks about killing themselves. find professionals who arnt complete shit at their job because those type of thoughts aren't just a threat to yourself. as far as suicide being justified goes, my opinion has always been if you don't see an actual possibility of not being miserable one day then it might be a good decision, but if you see a small chance for it then work towards it.

I went through a horrible bout of depression in my early 20's. Talking really does help (as cliche as it sounds), and even if you don't go to a therapist, just talking through it even with strangers or on a forum can help tremendously. I actually confided in a few of my really close teammates from TFC when i was struggling with mine. Just being able to vent took a huge weight off my shoulders. This community has always been pretty tight, and we've rallied together for some really good causes. Everyone gets dealt a shit card at some point in life boogie. I used to think of it this way after i got through it - compare my lowest point in life to someone who didn't have a choice. For example a child born with an incurable disease. They don't know what it's like to even feel healthy. They know they are going to die, but they make the best of what they can while they have time. Don't sell yourself short in that sense, as you are young and have a ton of opportunity for what lies ahead.

Suicide is not the solution - you are robbing yourself of any chance to make things better. Also what's to say things won't get worse if you take your life? What if there is a hell, is that really where you would want to be? Do you know what's on the other side - no one truly does. You can go off of what any different set of religion says as far as an afterlife...but i don't know anyone that has came back to life and said "hey guys here's what it's like!". People can go on and on about theory's, but you DON'T know what will happen. Here's the thing, you're going to die someday anyways - so what's the point in rushing it? You have time in this life to make it better - whatever is making you feel this way, now is the time to rid it out of your life.

Dear Chaaz,

You need to remember that you're still in your early 20s and theres a lot of life left in you and experiences to have. It may feel like you're pressed up against a wall at your last point, but the truth is right now you're still rolling out to mid on a map you've never played and the score is 0-0. There's so much ahead of you and who knows what could happen and which way you'll go. Your medic may have not be giving you crit heals right now but that doesn't mean you shouldn't do something. Bomb the medic, take out the demo. Do something you can be proud of, but don't just do it because you think it will help your depression. Don't Go volunteer at the shelter with the mindset of helping your depression. Save puppies for the sake of saving puppies. Use your sadness to inspire you to do something, but don't make it the reason why you do it.

-Myles K

Coming from someone who has lost two people very close to me (mother and closest family friend): I think even having only one person you really care about is reason enough to keep on truckin'. You have at least two. I say "at least", because from my experience, people often care more about you than they let on.

I'm gonna be late for work if I type too much more, so maybe I'll edit this later. Regardless, others have made very good points.

..and on a side note (I think I might've told you this in a scrim once): I'll always remember you (and Davis?) doing impromptu shoutcasting in a DM server I was playing in when I was just starting out in comp. I was laughing too hard to play properly.

<3

I also suffer from depression and I know just how you feel chaaz. Thrasher and I have had long talks about my problems and its always nice to have people there and make you feel better like the people in this thread. You're an incredble tf2 player and also an incredible person. You just gotta remember things will get better. If you need someone to talk to im here for you man. You can also always talk to thrasher too. I hope things get better for you (and they will get better).

I've been literally in the same place as you right now boogie, and there's not a whole lot I can tell you that will help, but here's the spare suggestions I can think of:

1. Go over everything you do in your life, limit your exposure to everything negative or depressing in life and then force yourself(any way possible) to get out and relish the things you love and enjoy doing. Even simple things like deleting depressing songs from your mp3 player or watching a comedy movie instead of a drama can make a gigantic difference.

2. Focus a lot of attention on getting better, even though the thought of your depression improving right now probably looks bleak to you. Trust me, it will eventually get close to back to normal, and once you put in work to try to figure out how to get there, you'll definitely be glad you didn't make a rash decision to try to end your pain.

3. Keep finding people to talk to about it, or try to help you with it. Even though isolating yourself right now might seem tempting, being around people and even just small talk with a friend or even a random stranger can do so much to improve your mood. It's also definitely easier to manage depression when you have faithful friends who call you up and insist you go out and do something fun with them.

4. Above all, just hang in there. Don't treat this period of time as permanent, if you can be brave and bare the depression and all of it's effects, eventually you'll be able to get to a point to where you'll be able to look back at the period of time in your life and be glad you were able to champion through it.

That's all I can think of at the moment, sorry I can't be of more help

Boogie

I have played with, and against, you a lot and you were always a stand up guy. If your friends are not there to talk to you, then they are not your friends. I am not sure if I still have you on my FL since mobile steam is difficult to see alias, but please, if you receive this add me as friends so I can give you my phone number. You can literally call me at any time and I encourage you to call me whenever you want. Even if you think the reason is "silly", call anyways.

Edit: nvm

Chaaz,

Even if you may not know me, I think I can speak for myself and possibly some others -- I just want you to be happy. You deserve it.

Even if I don't know your story completely, or your perspective - I just want it all to work out for you. I want you to be happy.

I know that may not be what you want to hear - but you already have lots of personal stories in this thread -- even though I may not have many stories of my own, I just want to try and help in the best way I can.

If simply knowing that there are many others in this community that want to help (but can't find their way to do so) makes you feel any better, I hope I've helped.

on the topic of suicide: it's hard for people to imagine what goes through someone's mind when they have nothing left. when the barrier between life and death crumbles around you, there is a pain so intense you can't think. your body fights you. i've been on the verge of killing myself before. it feels as though your body is fighting you, like every cell is screaming out against you. your entire being is trying to hold you back. i guess it's the natural instinct to survive. i've seen it happen. i've been so close to killing myself that, while kneeling on the bathroom floor, knife to my throat, i started going into convulsions, and ended up throwing up until my stomach was completely empty. i may not have any hope for myself or advice to give to you, but people should know that suicide isn't easy. it's a battle between your mind and body. people who survive suicide attempts are not weak, they aren't failures, but simply lost a fight in the war against themselves.

You can have my seat at norcal LANfest if you want. I can give you a ride there and back, and you can crash with me and Sakura. I'm sure if you went you'd see a lot of people who appreciate you and could really enjoy the weekend.

humans are insignificant relative to the entire universe. nothing we do really matters. all these expectations we are supposed to meet do not mean shit. i don't have to impress anyone. but it's cool that i am just a composition of certain elements that have the ability to think and feel. i can have fun and feed my curiosity. life is cool. this is what i like to think about when something goes wrong in life.

holy shit I'm adding both of these to my playlist
https://soundcloud.com/chazanthonydelacruz/sets/medleys

Finding new therapists can be so fucking tiresome because you have no idea if they can help you and you have to tell your story all over again.

Feeling like actually getting through now tough, hopefully, after having wasted like four years distancing myself from the past (=being unproductive, distracting myself/drowning thoughts with computer games and other things that invoke 'better' feelings, failing college, etc).

I don´t know if this even is of some use to you and I´m feeling like this shit is coming back up when reflecting about it but here are two things you could give a try:

1) If you feel like you´re drifting off, make yourself aware in the moment. Take a cold shower, pinch fingernails into your hands or just try to feel if the muscles in your body from feet to neck are tensed or relaxed. Watch a bad screamer movie like Poltergeist or Insiduous. Maybe have a wank or eat some nice food.

2) Try to make yourself feel secure, think of a childhood memory that was amazing and put yourself into that moment again.

Good luck :/

Holy shit.

ya i just wanna say boogie its fucking obvious that youre a charismatic, like-able guy guy with a shit ton of talent outside of tf2

i mean ur fine at tf2 as well just saying if ur not getting the joy out of this game u used to im sure ur capable of blowing minds in some other field

this right here is one strong reason in itself to not commit suicide. you want to be alive. this might sound obvious, but i think the want to be alive is highly ignored because most people are all "pfft yeah duh" about it by instinct. which makes sense, but like i said, the fact that you want to be alive is reason enough to never kill yourself.

i am truly sorry that i have nothing right this moment to offer in terms of help, at least not as much as everyone has given already. i am grateful that you decided to come to us though. the one piece of advice i can give to you, however, is that you're still very young and considering how long you have to live, there's no reason to believe nothing will get better. i have not suffered from or been friends with someone who's been in this situation, so i apologize if that is useless advice.

get well soon, buddy. for yourself, your family/IRL friends and all of us.

You amaze me at times, tf2 community. Lots of lovely advice here. As someone having suicidal thoughts even right now, and been suffering of depression for years, this is all really amazing to read.

I remember seeing a video in which one of the few survivors of a Golden Gate Bridge suicide attempt was interviewed. He said that in the moment he realized that he could no longer turn back and grab on to something, it wasn't so much as a life-flashing-before-your-eyes moment as a simple realization: that it was all fixable.

Every single reason that pushed him and prodded him off that ledge was a simple problem, something that could be solved. In that realization there was only crushing sadness for the man who could finally see now that the only unfixable evil in his whole life was the stuttering and unsure half step he had just taken.

I can only imagine the terror, sorrow, and above all crushing sense of injustice he felt in the moment; I don't think words could even hope to describe it. What I do know is that no one ever really wants to be there. Some people convince themselves that it's worth it to take the step, but in the fall the only thing they are sure of is regret; regret not for their excruciating past but for the life that they had just chosen not to live.

I hope you find happiness in your life, wherever it may lie.

Sincerely, Jake "SneakyPolarBear" L

I don't know you personally but maybe I could share some of my own experiences and see if you relate to them. I'm 17 and I've attempted suicide 3 times, all in the Spring of last year. I get how shitty it feels that you would consider suicide as an option. From all the posts here I;m sure that you can see you are not nearly the only one struggling with thoughts like this. It was also incredibly brave of you to come here and ask for help. Trying to talk to people about this can be really scary because of the stigma associated with this, and you have made a huge step by deciding to reach out to people.

A lot of people here are saying to switch therapists, see a new psychiatrist, or whatever. And for a lot of people professional help from the right person IS the answer. For myself, I found it a lot more helpful to find a med provider, and beyond that I just talk on Self Harm forums and with my friends about what is going on, since I have a much better time opening up to my peers rather than professionals.

If you ever wanna chat feel free to message me here or add me on steam.

Hey chaaz, I thought about writing out a lot of stuff because I've been dealing with similar feelings recently, and have been dealing with other people who have attempted suicide in the past few months, but I didn't want to write too much about myself and my own experience, since everyone's experience is different.

I encourage you to message me here or on steam to talk at some point; I've found that when we're in these situations a lot of good can come from simply being able to express yourself to another person without judgment. I'm not a doctor so I can't/won't prescribe anything, but I'm glad to listen to you.

Hey Chazz,

it's hard for me to mention this publicly, but my brother had a lot of mental issues in his life, mostly to drug usage. Suicidal attempts, strong medications and antidepressant usage (made him into a zombie, couldn't believe my eyes) and other things you mentioned were part of his life for years. Bitterness, lack of motivation, lack of long term life plans, loneliness (all those friends left him when they heard what happened to him, good riddance assholes) brought him into drug abuse few more times.

He battled his own shitstorms, found a shrink that almost sent him to the grave. And I mean it Chazz, this dude was the worst shrink someone could possibly wish. In the last moment (in my opinion), we found another shrink, some random dude who actually respected my bro from day 1. My brother didn't trust me nor my parents, he didn't had any friends, but he found a partner to talk about anything in that shrink. If you don't feel the same with yours, try finding another one. I can't stress enough, how much that change helped my brother. Today he has a job, long term life plans, and most importantly - he laughs. You deserve the same opportunity.

Good luck, be persistent.

edit:

And to answer your final question - it's your life and it's your decision, although some might disagree. But if you decide to walk that road, understand perfectly all the consequences your sis and mom will need to live with. As I can relate from my own experience, your actions will mark them on a long term basis, maybe forever. Think.

i disagree

dont be a dick killing yourself makes other people sad

being unsatisfied and angry about your life is fine but dropping that shit on other people is harsh

You ever think, some people contemplate suicide over this forum and the trolling involved? Didn't spadez do that once or something similar?

Words of Day9 "Be a better gamer."

pretty sure spadez was just a huge faggot to everybody and when everybody told him to fuck off/started ignoring him (hint: this is how u deal with people u dont like on the internet, manlets) he just faked his own suicide for attention

i dont think u can even ponder calling these two situations similar but maybe ull surprise me who knows

hey chazz,

Im not an expert on all this but, try finding a new place to live. Change the place your in and maybe things will change. You may meet people that appreciate you. Also try joining clubs of sort. Live life and do you.

Good luck, stay strong man.